Unbearably Sad, My Beautiful Stripey cat Options

[Fiona and Stripe...]

My beautiful girl died on tuesday 4th April after a 6 days hospital stay. I had her for 13 years since she was 8 weeks old. She was diagnosed diabetic in 2004 but had been doing really well with insulin. I noticed she had lost a bit of weight, but since she was a stone when diagnosed this had seemed a good thing. Two weeks ago (exactly) she wasn't bothered about breakfast, most unlike herself, and when i came in from work she was floppy and lethargic and felt cold. I wrapped her in a towel and hugged her till I got her to the vet. She had developed ketoacidosis. I got tremendous support from felinediabetes.com which I would totally recommend to anyone with a sugar cat. I phoned the vet twice a day and after a shaky start, she seemed to be rallying. I'd phoned last Monday and was told she was a bit 'flat'. I asked if I could visit as I missed her terribly and was told it would be OK, so I took an old pillow case and her twin sister to bed with me to get it smelling of home, so I could bring it in to her. The next morning, she died.

I collected her from the vet the following day (too upset to do it on the tuesday) and took her home. She looked really peaceful and content, with her paws crossed, lying on her side like she does. I spent some time alone with her, wailing and hugging her, then wrapped her in red velvet (I was bored with the sofa throw anyway, and she did like it), put her in a pretty box with her food dish, a sachet of food, catnip, a photo of me in case she got lonely and wondered where I was, a pink rose and a letter which a dear friend who adored her had written to her, We all stroked her face and paw and told her we loved her. And cried. A lot. My partner dug a lovely place for her under the tree and we laid her there which was just awful _ i wanted to keep her with me forever.

Its been a week now and its not getting any easier. I am not getting the comfort you'd expect from her twin Whitey and my other kitty, Lily as Stripey was more 'my' cat and very much a one-person kitty. I miss her lovely tabby face and her beautiful black eyelashes, the way she would roll on her back with a paw behind her head like a Hollywood starlet, how she would purr and pat my face gently when I stroked hers, how she liked to head butt people if she wanted attention. My partner has never had animals and though fond of the cats, is not entirely understanding. My work colleagues have been very kind. But I just feel that everything is such an effort. I am tired, listless, everyone around me and their problems seem trite and irrelevant. The oddest things can trigger me and I end up weeping. I feel guilty because I didnt visit her and feel that she probably thought I;d deserted her. I feel guilty for not noticing earlier. I am relieved that she was in no pain and that I didnt have to make the awful decision to have her pts, but it doesnt help. I'm not interested in anything and I dont know what to do. This has been worse than losing my grandparents was when I was in my teens. Last year, a very close friend died very suddenly and I was there when he was discovered in his flat. That was absolutely the worst thing I'd been through. Until now. I miss my beautiful girl so much and when I think about not seeing her again, I can't bear it, I really can't. I've had a quick read of some of the postings on here and will read more once I am home from work - it really does help to know that others feel the same way and that I am not, as I believe some people think, overreacting. I tell myself it will get easier but in a way I dont want it to because then I will feel guilty about not being upset all the time and that this will mean I love her less.

Help.

Fiona

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