New Human Baby, Not moving on Options

[parker]

Well, here I am the night before I go into the hospital to have a c-section for my second human child and I am up at 3:45am thinking about my boy Parker. I have had such a hard time today about him. He passed 6 months ago and I will never be okay again. This should be such a happy time, but I don't want to celebrate it without him. It is also hard for me to have such a huge event in my life that he is not present for.......I think it is a sign of moving on and I don't want to move on ever. This will be the first life event that he isn't here for.....I can't believe it. Also, I can't believe I am bringing someone into my life who has never and will never know Parker. I pray that his strength is with me tomorrow and I try and just think that his spirit and energy will be in this little girl and in me always.....but selfishly that is all crap, I just want him here physically!!! I want to be worrying about leaving him with a pet sitter and worrying about him mauling me when I walk back in the door after the surgery. I want to worry about how he will take another baby and coddling him so he knows he's always number one. But, I can't do any of that.....I just have to hope that what they say is true....that he is up there swimming and running and too busy to even think about us down here. My god I love him. I will never love another in the same way. I will never grieve another in the same way. My little human girl will be named after him, her name will be Maili Parker and I hope in some way that brings a little of his spirit and personality into her. Thanks all for listening and wish me luck and if anybody has an "in" up there.....let my boy know he is always my number one. I love you Parker.

Parker's Mom,
Kerry