My Sweet Parker, Missing you Options

[parker]

My baby boy....I know I tell you this every night before I go to bed, but I MISS YOU so much!!! I cry constantly, will it never stop? It has been 3 months and I so hope you are looking down on me thinking I am ridiculous. I still have your bed tucked away in my closet, so I can lay on it and smell you.....I have your fur in my jewelry box and your pictures everywhere. But I just want you. You were not a dog, I know that....you were my family. I just refuse to accept that I will never see you or smell you or touch you again. I am so sorry about your last day, I thought I would be easing your pain, but your passing seemed even harder for you. I hope you forgive me, I have to believe I made the right choice for you. As your best friend, I would have wanted you to do the same for me. But I hate myself when I think, I could still have you here maybe. I know you weren't the same and you were in pain, but selfishly I just want some more time with you....like the rest of my life. I have not let myself think of this until now, but I remember your mouth getting cold as I was laying on it and your eyes wouldn't close, they were cold too....I touched them and kissed them. Your dear sweet paws lost their warmth and life and I just laid and laid and cried for you. I would even give anything for that day back, just to lay on you again. My god, I hope you know I would do anything to have you back here and to take back my decision. Even if it was the "right " thing to do, I don't care, I need you baby boy. I hope you know that "Norman" is not a replacement. He is an aversion, yes I love him, but he is my dog......you were and are my family. I just couldn't stand coming into my house with no sound. Our new baby is about to come into our lives in March and she will never know you, but I promise I will tell her all about her big brother. Her name will be Maili Parker......yes she is taking your name as her middle name. I hope she will have the same great qualities as you and that your spirit is in her somehow. I pray everyday for that. Please come to me in my dreams Parker, just let me know you're okay......please.

Mommy