Guilt - Pls Help, Death of my cat Options

[ruxpin]

Hi,
I have just found this site whilst searching the internet for some help / someone to talk to about the way I am feeling.
My cat died in April and I still cannot think of anything but her. The guilt is the worst thing of all. It follows me wherever I go, whatever I do. I feel she is watching down on me and hating me.
My cat was nearly 18 and I loved her so much. At Christmas 05 I noticed she was losing weight but eating a lot. This continued and we took her to the vet. The vet said it was because of her age and we should just keep an eye on her. She continued to lose weight and in March she started having difficultly breathing. She was given steroids and got a little better. Then worse again. More steroids. This time they didn't work. She spent two days in a pet hospital but was put to sleep late on the second day.
My overwhelming guilt which at times makes me feel suicidal, like I should suffer as much pain as she did, stems from a number of things:
I smoke a lot and now believe I killed her with my smoking. How can I ever forgive myself this? My vet said this was unlikely, but surely she was just being kind?
Secondly, I decided not to have her ashes returned and donate the cost to the hospital instead.
I feel I should have brought her back and now it's too late.
I did get to see her after she died and even then I was telling her again and again, sorry, sorry.
Everyday is the same, the guilt. I want her back to say I am sorry and tell her how much I loved her.
We still have her mum in the house and another cat and I feel guilty for loving them, making them happy, because I feel I should be giving that love only to her.
I feel I am going mad and I have no-one to confide my feelings in.
Lisa xx
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