A Tear Filled Hard Day, Longing For Snookie Options

[Ann H]

Today has been such a hard day for me and I have been crying quite a bit. I went several places today where Snookie always went with me and I don't think I have ever felt so alone in all my life. I haven't tried to stop the tears I just let them flow. I wrote another poem for my little girl to let her know I am always thinking of her and how much her love meant to me. Today seems as hard as it did the first couple of weeks she died.

I have been blaming myself and wondering if the rice and noodles and other things I gave her to eat caused her diabetes and maybe it was really my fault that my precious baby died when her pancreas shut down. When I found out she had diabetes on top of cushings disease and cancer I cut way down on the foods high in sugar. I would never had done anything not anything that I thought would harm my Snookie Cookie but maybe in my ignorance maybe I caused the diabetes.

The vet did say cushings could cause them to be more susceptible to diabetes. I told the vet I had given her a lot of those foods because she loved them so much but he did not say it did or didn't cause her to have diabetes and I was to afraid to ask for fear it was I who caused my precious baby to die. The very thought is so hard for me to live with and right now I hate myself.

I just keep thinking worrying and wondering if maybe my Snookie would still be here if not for me. Perhaps what I thought was an act of love giving her these foods caused her to die. If so I am guilty of murder and my life is useless and nothing would matter in my life any longer.
Ann

A Different Life
My darling Snookie it broke my heart when you had to leave
Now I live a different life one while I long for you and grieve.
My tears blind my eyes because I did not want you to die
and my heart is in such pain from having to say good-bye.

I hold your loving memories so close within my broken heart
but some day My Love I will join you and never have to depart.
Snookie you wait for your mama to make Heaven her home
for on streets of purest gold together you and I will forever roam.

When I get to Heaven yours is the first face I want to see
for you are the most precious girl in this whole world to me.
I will see your face hear that bark I so dearly want to hear
and Snookie I will take you in my arms and hold you so near.
Written by Ann Howard January 31, 2005

Snookie Lynn Howard
2-04-94 - 12- 26- 04