León And 'hensley The Cat' Options

[Diana]

Hi,

I am new here; and, unfortunately, my being here is not exactly a case of joy (wish it would be - but that's not the subject of this Forum anyway).
I am here because my tom cat León has done what 'Hensley the cat' did - ran off, and was found by me three days later by the roadside, having been hit by a car apparently.
It was a shock I haven't been able to overcome for two weeks now. It was so sudden and unexpected. He was one who enjoyed his freedom and liked to roam. He stayed out two days and nights in a row sometimes. But when three days had gone past I went in search for him - that was on Dec. 27th - and found him dead ....
He had been lying there for a day already, I was told by neighbours, so it must have happened on the night of Dec. 25./26. I reproach myself for not having reacted sooner .. but, used as I was by then to his outings I told myself not to overreact and wait (I am usually the kind that always fears the worst when my furkids don't stick to their 'times'). As it turned out I was right to worry.
León had come to me from a shelter in Spain, the only survivor of a litter of 4 - his siblings having been put down some time early last year due to an outbreak of FIV at the shelter. He was only one year old.
He's the second cat I loose at such a young age within the space of 2 years, and it is causing me considerable emotional problems. I have such trouble coping.
I stand in the garden every night now (where we buried him) and talk to a heap of earth; I think 'My God - he must be cold down there in this wet hole' and I want him back so desperately I try to bargain with whatever power is above.
I am not, I have to admit, a religious person - so I have no real faith to help me here. I struggle, I lash out at others, I cry. I have heard nothing but platitudes since that day - even the people closest to me seem reluctant to tackle the issue and people tell me 'it's two weeks now that you're grieving for an animal - it is about time you came off it'.
What can I do ?
I'm told I MUST let go; and yet it seems so wrong to commit him to memory and 'get on with it'. The thought of how I found him, a stiff and cold corpse with one eyeball out of its socket - I can't rid myself of it. It's imprinted on my mind and it overlays everything else. Every happy thought or emotion flees screaming before my bad conscience that tells me I am basically 'laughing at a funeral'.
Has anyone here got any advice for me ? I am at my wits', and my energy's end.

Thank you,
Diana

[Bob]

Diana,

I wanted to say something about your last image of Léon, because this is something that has also troubled me greatly. I lost a wonderful parrot last Friday, and I keep seeing the image of my having to force-feed Stanley Sue over the weeks of her illness, because she was too weak to eat enough food on her own. But I think that this image, and the sad image of Léon, will eventually be replaced by better memories.

During the summer, we lost a wonderful rabbit named Walter. He had cancer, and he was quite emaciated at the end of his life. I worried that I would always see Walter in my mind's eye as a sick bunny. But do you know what happened? Months later as I think of Walter, I think of him as a big, comical rabbit hopping into our living room to get into mischief. I do not remember him as sick with cancer. I did not make any effort to replace the thought of an ill Walter with a healthy Walter, it just came of itself with time.

I am taking my sorrow over my parrot Stanley Sue at its own pace, and I will grieve as long as I need to, and I hope you do the same with Léon. And I am certain that the time will come when you will think of him as wonderfully healthy and full of life when you remember him, and your final sad image of him will recede a little bit into the background.

Take care.

Bob