Dealing With Feelings Of Guilt Options

[SummerHolly]

Yesterday I lost my nearly 8 yo dog Kobi. I rescued him as a pup from a terrible start in life and he came out of his shell and became the most sweet loving confident boy. He was a fit apparently healthy dog who worked sheep on my farm with me and my other dogs. About 5 days ago he was finding it hard to get up and was limping, he was also off his food. I gave him dog anti inflammatory medication and the next day he was up on his feet and eating well. Over the next few days I limited his exercise and then he was feeling much better and asked to come on our daily walks across the paddocks.

So in the day before he died, I had to go and do some sheep work and I left him behind in the house, but later that day he again came on a walk with me. He was very slow but I thought he was just recovering from his sore leg as he was favouring it slightly still. I had taken him off medication that morning.

That evening he was off his food again and I thought because his leg was painful. My plan was to take him to the vets to get x-rays done on his legs and hips to check for arthritis. Anyway I gave him another painkiller and he ate a bit of food. Some hours later late at night he threw up his food. I took his temperature and it was normal along with a cold wet nose. So I didn't worry too much

As the night progressed he started to try and drink a lot of water and was throwing up and salivating. I live a long way from vet help and thinking it was just a gastro problem I decided to wait until morning when the vet opened. There is an emergency vet about an hour away but she operates out of home and has young children and I didn't want to wake her up for what seemed like a case of gastro. The nearest proper emergency hospital is a 3 hour drive away.

I tried to make my dog as comfortable as possible, left the lights on and the back door open so he could get out and I spent a restless night listening to him drinking, throwing up and then lying in his bed. I went out to check on him sporadically and as morning came he seemed to be resting in is bed, I felt helpless as how to help him and was feeling exhausted myself. I phoned the vet as soon as they opened and said I was bringing him in. When I lifted him out of his bed I realised he was going into a coma and the thought crossed my mind that he was dying. I was the longest hour drive in the vet. By the time I got him there he was dead.

I was completely devastated. The vet thought that there had probably been some underlying issue that was surfacing and thought it possible that even if I had got the dog to the emergency vet in the early hours of the morning there would not have been much she could have done.

Apart from really missing this sweet boy I am now wracked with feelings of guilt that I didn't pick up some signs earlier because I was busy and also convinced it was just likely arthritis in his legs. A vet had checked him over a some time ago and said that there was minor pain in his legs probably from a bit of arthritis.

I also feel terrible having listened to him vomiting through the night thinking that it a trip to the vet first thing in the morning would be okay. I feel guilty that I might have let him down and that I didn't get to say a proper goodbye.

I know I gave him a great life with me but losing him young coupled with these feelings of guilt about perhaps not being there for him the night he got sick I find very difficult to get past.

[moon_beam]

i, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I know so very well how you're feeling in regard to "failing" your beloved Kobi. This is a feeling we all experience particularly during the deep grief and is so very, very hard to reconcile. The reality is - - our companions have a genetic trait from their wild cousins that makes them hide / disguise how they're feeling in regards to illness / injury until they can no longer do that. Sadly, we don't have X-ray eyes that can scan their bodies when we suspect that "something isn't quite right". So we can only do the best we can at any given moment of circumstances. I totally agree with your veterinary care provider that even if you had taken your beloved Kobi to the emergency room he would have been so stressed that would have added to inhibiting his chances of survival. The only way a definitive diagnosis can be made is to have an autopsy (necropsy) done - - but sometimes even this raises more questions than answers.

The good news is that our companions know we are mere mortals, and we can only do the best we can with our circumstances, finances, etc.. Your beloved Kobi knows that you always, always, always did the best for him that you knew how to do. He doesn't want you trapped in guilt that will only rob you of remembering the wonderful life you and your beloved Kobi shared together during his earthly journey. I know so very well it's easier said than done particularly during the deep grief, but I do hope in time you will be able to find a peace in your heart about your beloved Kobi's transition from this physical realm.

I hope today is treating you and your precious companions kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Kobi's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam