The Debate, pts Options

[Saki & Freyj...]

So I say to myself "You should put Lec down before xmas instead of dragging her out to your folks house and stressing her out and etc. ..." Then I say "No, I can't do that. Even though I know she is dying, I should wait til Friday bc I won't be able to get thru xmas if I put her down before then..."

Then I think "Heck, I can't make an appt for friday. Nope. God(s) gave me a sign when it was time to put Frey down, and in their mercy took Saki from me and spared me that pain of putting her to sleep and until I get some sorta damned sign, I shouldn't even think about it..."

Then I look at Lec, cat milk (the only thing she'll consume now-- and very little of that) all over her face, too thin to get a damned needle in her for fluids and I think "YOU need to be merciful, you need to be strong... you are selfish..."

And this goes round and round and round and round in my head all day long.

I've had my talk with lec and told her she doesn't have to be strong and that she can go if she needs to. But I haven't had the balls to ask the gods if they will go ahead and take her. Last time, they answered that prayer, and while I really am quite grateful, at the same time, I guess I am scared that if I do that, they WILL take her...

[Kiwi&Sierra...]

Hi, I don't really know how this topic works. I was starting to read the posts from the beginning and I came across a poem....I think it was the 3rd reply or so on the first page....there was a part that said...

"Only stay wtih me tilll the end"
"And hold me firm and speak to me"
"Until my eyes no longer see"

This really rocked me....I feel enormous guilt right now...
I know that putting Kiwi to sleep was the 2nd hardest thing I've had to do, the first was making the decision to take my dad of life support...but I alway swore up and down that if I had to put my animals to sleep, I would hold them and stay with them until the end...I wanted them to be the last thing I saw and I wanted to be there until the end....WELL...that did not happen, I chickened out, when I saw the needle I stopped them and said I could not stay for this please get me when it's over....NOW I FEEL VERY GUILTY...I felt guilty anyways but this brought it back...I wonder if Kiwi is mad at me for not staying in the room, was he scared, does he feel betrayed....?

I originally went to school to be a Vet and when I saw all the horrible things happening I could not handle it...I put many animals to sleep so I thought I could handle being with my own cat but alas I could not...I feel like I let him down.

Help I feel so guilty....I'm going to try and put up a picture of him...I'm used to a mac and all I have is my PC right now...it seems like I forgot how to use it..the only pic I have of him that I can use on my PC is from my cell phone, nothing else is hooked up to my PC...I'll try to send a pic...he was so handsome