Feeling Lost Without My Boy Gunner, Loss of dog Options

[Gunners Mama]

I am new to this. I'm not even sure where to begin. I lost my special angel on Christmas night. We had a beautiful day with our family and then me, my husband and our 4 Boston Terrier went to our cabin in the woods. It had been a while since we had been there and we were so excited. We got there and exchanged presents. It was wonderful and we were so happy. We always got our dogs presents and this year it was some new balls. That's their favorite toy. I had picked them out a pack with a glow in the dark ball. I was inside cleaning up and I was saying a prayer to God thanking him for all of my blessings. My husband had taken the dogs outside to play with their new toy. They were having so much fun. He said he was going to bring our one dog inside so he wouldn't run into anything. He is almost blind but runs around like he can see perfectly. I can still hear him saying that to me. I wish that I would have told them to all come inside but I didn't. The next moment changed my life forever. He came running inside telling me that my dog Gunner had run into a tree chasing the ball. I ran outside and he was laying there. His eyes were open and his legs were stiff. My husband said not to move him just in case he was paralyzed. I looked at him and asked my husband if he was breathing. He did CPR on him but it didn't work. He was gone. How could he just be there playing and having fun and then be gone the next second. He was only 7 years old. I blame myself for buying that ball because he had run into a something one time chasing a ball when it was dark. If only I would have remembered that but I never thought that he would have run into anything again. I shouldn't have gotten them that glow in the dark ball. After it happened I went into shock. It was like an out of body experience. It was like I was there but I wasn't. Everything was in slow motion. I have never felt pain like this before. I don't even remember the whole month of January. I couldn't eat sleep or think clearly. I was just there staring into space begging God to let me go back and change it. I never thought that I could cry this many tears and have your heart literally feel like it's broken in a million pieces. I can see how someone could die of a broken heart. I feel so guilty. I have cried every single day since its happened and I'm crying while I'm writing this. I don't know if it was a terrible accident or part of God's plan. I ask myself that a million times a day. Thank you for listening.

[Gunners Mama]

Thank you Moon Beam for thinking about me and keeping me in your prayers. It means a lot. I totally understand when your said that we don't know how much our hearts can take because it takes our breath away. It does feel like that I can't breathe sometimes because it hurts so bad. I find myself so angry at God for taking him away. He was so young, strong and full of life. Then I blame myself. He was a good dog. He didn't deserve to die like that. It happened so fast that I didn't comprehend what was going on. Then I think about having to go back to our cabin. I start freaking out and getting anxiety. I don't want to go back down there ever. How am I supposed to look at that tree and not relive that horrible night. We still have our Christmas tree up and all of our decorations there. I wanted to take everything down but my husband wouldn't let me. How I wish he would have. How am I supposed to go in there and go back to that. Everything still will look the same but it's forever changed. Something that was supposed to be so special changed my life forever. I used to love that place but now I want to sell it and never go back. Then I remember that Gunner is there and it was the only place that has ever felt like home since we lost our house. He loved that place so much. Then I wonder how I could go down there and have a good time without him. It's not fair to him. I'm so lost without him. I always knew that he wouldn't be here forever. I just thought that I had many more years. I never really thought about it because it was supposed to be a long time from now. He was supposed to get old and I was going to take care of him and hold him until God called him home. There's a hole in my heart. Then I wonder if I lost precious time with him because of the decision to buy him that toy or did God already have planned that it was his time and I couldn't have stopped it anyway. I'm sorry for the rambling. I feel like my mind is going in a million different directions. Thank you Kathy for checking in on me. I really appreciate all of the support.