My Precious Harry Options

[Hermy's Mommy]

I lost my dear bunny Harry suddenly yesterday, Saturday, February 13, 2016. He was the most loving, adorable little rabbit. My heart is broken. It's all my fault that he's gone.

I adopted him on June 27, 2008 from a rabbit rescue organization. They thought he was 2 or 3 years old at that time. Harry and I had never been apart a single day since then. From the beginning, he was an extremely anxious bunny. According to his rescuers, he "was rescued from Prince George's County Animal Management in Maryland. He had been confiscated from the home of an arrested drug dealer who intended to eventually feed him to a snake. When [he] came into Friends of Rabbits he was terrified. After months of living in safety and love, he grew to enjoy being around people. On June 27, 2008 he was adopted."

From the day I brought him home to his last day with me, he lived at home, cage-free, running around the whole place. As he was anxious and hard to handle, I was unable to catch him and hold him for the first few years. Even petting him was a challenge for the first year. Ironically, the first few weeks at home, he developed a habit of hopping onto my bed and sitting next to my pillow, next to my head. He would just look at me. I would wake up to see his cute face staring into my face. When I tried to pet him, he would dash away quickly. In the last couple of years, he finally calmed down enough to really snuggle with me. At night, while I would be reading a book in bed, he would hop onto my bed, right next to my pillow, and back up his fluffy bottom to nuzzle my face and neck. He would sit like that for hours while I read. If I moved a little, he would adjust his position to maintain full contact with my face. Oftentimes, he would turn around and look into my face, making sure we made eye contact, before turning back around and pressing his furry bottom to my face again.

He was the sweetest bunny, eventually trusting me enough to let us be close in the end. Now he's gone. I miss him so much. I can't stop crying.

His health started to decline last summer. I immediately took him to a new vet. His previous vet had made him scream his heart out. His last visit with that vet was disastrous. Even after I warned the vet about how anxious Harry was, he picked him up under his armpits, letting his legs dangle in the air. Harry started screaming bloody murder for at least 15 seconds before he handed Harry off to the technician, who also held him under his arms with his legs dangling in the air. He continued screaming for several seconds more until the technician finally put him on the floor. Harry ran to the corner of the room, scrabbling at the wall, eyes bugged out, his whole body shaking. I ran to pick him up, and as I held him close, he defecated liquid stuff all over me.

I never took him back there again. I should have known then that those vets were incompetent and dangerous. They had killed my baby bunnies Hermione and Albus.

At the new vet clinic last summer, Harry was diagnosed with pneumonia in his right lung, bladder sludge, overgrown teeth, and GI stasis. He liked his new vets and the technicians. He never screamed there. His problems were treated successfully, except for the persistent sludge in his bladder. He went in for a check-up last Friday and the vet found overgrown teeth again, so he had a dental procedure and x-rays that day. His x-rays showed persistent sludge. The vets considered flushing out his bladder that day, but they had already woken him up from anesthesia. They recommended supportive care: fluids, medications. He did well that weekend and the beginning part of last week.

Around Wednesday of last week, he started to behave strangely--bumping my leg with his nose insistently, knocking photos of his deceased mate Hermione onto the floor, chewing cardboard and blankets. I just pet him and didn't investigate further. I should have known something was wrong. By Thursday afternoon, after coming home from work, I noticed he hadn't eaten much, but he had urinated and defecated. By Friday morning, I noticed that he had not urinated or defecated enough and he had not eaten much again. He was acting strangely. He would look up, as if he was looking at something or someone, but there was nothing to look at. He would look up at the glass shower door, but no one was inside. I didn't know if he was looking at his reflection. He had never done these things before. I immediately made a vet appointment for early afternoon.

X-rays showed an enlarged cecum, full of gas, and a sludgy but normal-sized bladder. His urinalysis and blood work were normal, but his temperature was low. They recommended hospitalization, but they allowed me to sit with Harry and massage his belly for several hours. His temperature improved, but he still did not pass any stool or urine. I asked if I could take him home to continue massage and medications overnight, thinking that his anxiety might have been the reason he refused to go to the bathroom. The vet allowed me to do this, advising immediate return to the hospital if he doesn't improve. I massaged his belly hourly throughout the night and gave him his fluids and medications as scheduled. By morning, he had urinated clear urine twice in his litterbox and produced over 20 little poops. I thought he was getting better. I was wrong.

I called to update the vet at 8 a.m. and emailed a photo of his litterbox. The receptionist who answered the phone said Harry has a 9 a.m. appointment scheduled if he is not doing well. I said I thought he was doing better and cancelled that appointment. By the time I got the vet's email at 12:30 p.m., Harry had stopped urinating and defecating again. He was eating a bit though. I called immediately and they told me to bring him in at 5:00 p.m. When I arrived there, they took my poor Harry to the back for x-rays. His bladder was huge! They tried putting in an IV, but it was difficult and required two rounds of sedatives. They tried catheterizing his bladder, but they were unable to pass it in. They recommended cystocentesis right away but allowed me to visit him before that procedure.

My poor, poor Harry! He looked so stressed, breathing rapidly, laying on his side, eyes glazed over. I told him I love him so much. I told him not to die on me. I told him I'm sorry, that this was my fault for not acting sooner. I told him to be strong. I told him I'm not abandoning him. I'm not sure if he heard anything I said. I'm not sure he even knew I was there. I pet him for the last time, stroking his head and side.

They took him for the procedure. Minutes later the vet came to get me from the waiting room. The look on her face said it all. His heart stopped. He was gone. I asked to see him. They were doing CPR on him. He was floppy. His eyes were blank. He was gone. They let me hold him right away. I kissed him over and over. I held him tightly, but he was already gone.

The vet said they took out 80 cc of urine, and then his heart stopped. Oh, Harry!!! It's my fault for letting this happen. He was in so much pain. He was so stressed. I should have taken him in sooner. I should have left him there overnight. This shouldn't have happened. He shouldn't be gone.

I feel awful. I let Harry down. He tried telling me something was wrong, but I didn't listen until it was too late. I miss him so much! I don't know if he's angry with me. I don't know if he knows how much I love him and miss him, how sorry I am for letting this happen to him.

Even though the vet told me that he didn't suffer, I know he did. I let him suffer. And even though the technician said that at least I had one more night at home with Harry that night, I feel he probably would still be alive had I left him there.

I didn't get to hold him or kiss him one more time before he died. My last contact with him while he was still alive was just a stroke of his face and side. He probably thought I was abandoning him and just gave up.

I am heartbroken. I hope my Harry knows I love him. I will always love him.

Thank you for allowing me to share Harry's story.

Harry's Mommy
(Hermy and Albus's Mommy)

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[LittleGirl's...]

Dear Harry, Hermy, and Albus's wonderful Mommy Lisa,

I am heartbroken for you, to hear of the physical loss of your precious Harry.

Please believe me when I tell you that NOTHING was your fault. I believe that Harry might have passed in the night at the hospital had you not taken him home with you. You sensed that he needed you, and if it was medically possible to do what needed to be done (massage and medications) at home, you were going to make that happen, and you did!

When you petted him and told him you weren't abandoning him, he KNEW that. And he heard you telling him how much you love him (he already knew that too). His physical self at that point was deteriorating, but he was (and will always be) the same Harry that you've always known. He absolutely is NOT angry with you. He knows he had a quality of life in the top .000001 % of any bunny who's ever lived. He wants you not feel an ounce of guilt. (Unfortunately, guilt seems to come automatically with grief, but please keep reminding yourself of all the unbelievable good you did for these 3 lucky bunnies. You are amazing.)

The story of how you came to adopt those precious 3 bunnies is truly heartwarming. The fact that they survived---and thrived---is completely thanks to your care and immense love. Not many people could or would have done what you did throughout their lives! (I hope one day, soon, you will be able to believe what an outstanding Mom you are. )

How Harry evolved from an anxious little guy into a cuddler is just remarkable!!! You worked miracles with your love.

If I remember right, didn't Harry kiss the pictures of Hermione? All three are together---while at the same time with you. In the blissful realm they're in, there are no time / space limits! I am wondering whether he was seeing her when he knocked her photos off last week (probably trying to kiss them again)! They might have been in touch, possibly with Hermy sensing it was his time to pass on from his physical self.

Do you have supportive friends / family? And I can't remember whether you have other pets? If not, would you be open to Harry, Hermy, and Albus guiding you to another animal who needs you (someone very lucky indeed to end up with you)?

Please keep in touch here! I want to know how you are doing. Sending you heartfelt prayers, hugs, comfort and understanding,

Kathy
P.S. Harry is SO handsome!!

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear Kathy,

Thank you SO much for your kindness and support. Without you and moon_beam and this forum, I would be grieving alone. So a big thank you!

It is unbelievably comforting to read your words "I believe that Harry might have passed in the night at the hospital had you not taken him home with you. You sensed that he needed you, and if it was medically possible to do what needed to be done (massage and medications) at home, you were going to make that happen." I felt that he might have given up or let go overnight at the hospital. With his history of extreme anxiety and with our history of never being apart (aside from going to work), I was fearful that he would see it as abandonment and give up fighting.

You are right about his physical body deteriorating. However, that is my fault and a direct result of my inaction and delayed action. I can never forgive myself for not taking him into his 9 a.m. appointment that morning. I let my fear cloud my judgment. Those 8 hours might have made a difference. I will never know, but I do know that I will continue to beat myself up over it.

You have a great memory, Kathy! Harry is indeed the one who would kiss the photos of Hermy and then appear to wipe his nose on some Kleenex (he was probably chewing it). I'll try to post a photo. I have always known that he misses his mate Hermy tremendously. They were very much in love. For some reason this week (maybe telepathically), I felt that he was trying to tell me how much he wanted to be with Hermy again. We even talked about it. I said, "Harry, I know how much you miss Hermy, but I really wish you would stay here with me." He lowered his head and looked sad. I said, "Please, Harry, please. I love you so much. I would miss you so much if you left me." I believe he might have been communicating with Hermy somehow. The last two days he was alive, I noticed his strange behavior of looking upward at nothing in particular. He looked like he was looking at someone or listening to someone. His head was tilted up and his gaze was very intense as he stared at a point in space in front of and slightly above him. Perhaps he had been doing this before I noticed, communicating with Hermy or Albus.

I know I should be happy that Harry, Hermy, and Albus are together once again and for forever this time, but I miss them so much. They have left me behind. I wish I could be with them too. I love them and will always love them. I hope they won't forget me, especially when the time comes for me to join them again.

I still have Ron with me. He's a very good bunny, but for whatever reason, I am not as strongly bonded to him emotionally as I am to the others who have passed. Maybe it is because I adopted him later or because he never got along with the others. I'm not sure why, but I do love him, just differently.

Thanks again, Kathy, for everything! I have been unable to sleep and eat since Harry passed, but I will try to rest a bit now. I'll write again tomorrow.

Good night! Warm hugs!

Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

Dear Harry, Hermy, and Albus's wonderful Mommy Lisa,

I am heartbroken for you, to hear of the physical loss of your precious Harry.

Please believe me when I tell you that NOTHING was your fault. I believe that Harry might have passed in the night at the hospital had you not taken him home with you. You sensed that he needed you, and if it was medically possible to do what needed to be done (massage and medications) at home, you were going to make that happen, and you did!

When you petted him and told him you weren't abandoning him, he KNEW that. And he heard you telling him how much you love him (he already knew that too). His physical self at that point was deteriorating, but he was (and will always be) the same Harry that you've always known. He absolutely is NOT angry with you. He knows he had a quality of life in the top .000001 % of any bunny who's ever lived. He wants you not feel an ounce of guilt. (Unfortunately, guilt seems to come automatically with grief, but please keep reminding yourself of all the unbelievable good you did for these 3 lucky bunnies. You are amazing.)

The story of how you came to adopt those precious 3 bunnies is truly heartwarming. The fact that they survived---and thrived---is completely thanks to your care and immense love. Not many people could or would have done what you did throughout their lives! (I hope one day, soon, you will be able to believe what an outstanding Mom you are. )

How Harry evolved from an anxious little guy into a cuddler is just remarkable!!! You worked miracles with your love.

If I remember right, didn't Harry kiss the pictures of Hermione? All three are together---while at the same time with you. In the blissful realm they're in, there are no time / space limits! I am wondering whether he was seeing her when he knocked her photos off last week (probably trying to kiss them again)! They might have been in touch, possibly with Hermy sensing it was his time to pass on from his physical self.

Do you have supportive friends / family? And I can't remember whether you have other pets? If not, would you be open to Harry, Hermy, and Albus guiding you to another animal who needs you (someone very lucky indeed to end up with you)?

Please keep in touch here! I want to know how you are doing. Sending you heartfelt prayers, hugs, comfort and understanding,

Kathy
P.S. Harry is SO handsome!!

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[LittleGirl's...]

Dear Lisa,

Your story of how Harry came to be adopted is really touching. Little did Harry know at that moment how his life was about to change!!

(By the way, I have a similar "love-at-first-sight" story with my cats. I had planned on adopting 2, then, there was Sunny [previously named Nomar]. And, he has severe separation anxiety; he and I, like you and Harry, have rarely been apart).

There is no pain quite like the pain you are going through right now. Wondering how the night was for you and how today has been so far. Have you been able to sleep or eat?

Harry's worsening physical condition was not your fault ! I truly think he knew somehow that it was his time to pass; I'm thinking he felt he needed to be directly with his soulmate, Hermy. (I love the Kleenex story!!! And the picture of him looking at Hermy's picture is heartwarming.) I do think they were in communication.

Your precious trio will not forget you. To them, it will seem like a split second has gone by between now and the time that you join them in that blissful realm. They don't have to deal with the time/space limitations that we have to.

That's right -- You have Ron! I remember now. Maybe you will find that you and he need each other now and will really bond emotionally. Somehow I'm thinking that Harry, Hermy, and Albus know that you will be okay and I think it has something to do with Ron. Speaking of Ron, could you post a picture of him sometime? I'd also like to see more pictures of Harry, Hermy, and Albus, if you are up to it.

Am eager to hear from you and know how you are doing. My biggest wish for you---and it's Harry's, Hermy's, and Albus's wish for you too, I have no doubt---is that you are able to quickly let go of any guilt. You don't deserve to be consumed with any guilt. Maybe make a list of all the good experiences and good things you did for them? Numbers 1 and 2 on that list should be that you adopted them and that you gave them real love. And in Harry's case, with his skittish personality, he would have been unlikely to get adopted! But then you came along and showed him patient, unconditional love. I believe God gave you Harry, Hermy, Albus, and Ron because there was no one more perfectly suited to be their Mom.

Check in soon! Comforting hugs,

Kathy

[Hermy's Mommy]

Dear moon_beam and Kathy,

Thank you so much for your posts. They are so comforting and truly life-sustaining. I believe you both have told me in the past that this is an emotional roller coaster. You are so right! I am on this roller coaster again.

Because of the snow/ice/sleet/freezing rain today, my office was closed and I've stayed at home all day. Even though I worked from home for a few hours this morning, I had moments when I just broke down and cried uncontrollably. Sprinkle in a generous amount of guilt and self-doubt and away I went with the blubbering and sobbing.

moon_beam, thank you so much for sharing your comment about witnessing similar behaviors in your cats. I shared my observations with my parents, and they thought I was crazy. Knowing that Harry's spirit has rejoined Hermy's and Albus's spirits gives me some comfort. My heart is split: I am happy for Harry because I know how much he was missing Hermy and how much they love each other, but I feel such pain and sadness at the loss of his physical being too. I feel guilty as well for being so selfish.

I know Valentine's Day is sort of a made-up holiday, but I was thinking last night that Harry and Hermy are finally together again on Valentine's Day and all three of them will be together every single day forever and ever. He is my love bun and cuddle bun, but he is really and truly Hermy's only love. And she is his too.

Kathy, thank you too for your reassurances. I agree with you and moon_beam about Harry being in contact with Hermy somehow. I think I sensed it too last week but stayed in denial.

I haven't been able to eat yet. Harry and I used to eat dinner together every night. He would munch on his salad while I read the newspaper and ate my dinner. When he finished dinner, he would stretch out next to me and just relax the rest of the evening before our nightly cuddle. I miss him so much!

As for Ron, I feel guilty about not showing him the same affection as I did the others. I agree with you that I can start a new relationship with Ron. Under these different circumstances, Ron and I can learn more about each other and hopefully become closer.

I appreciate your support and encouragement. I really do. Your gentle reminders about letting go of guilt and embracing good memories and experiences are very helpful. I'm so busy beating myself up that I forget everything and everyone around me. It feels like I'm literally drowning in guilt and regret.

I will try to stay positive and honor their memories by remembering how wonderful and lovable they are and how much I love them.

Wishing you a peaceful night.

Hugs,
Harry, Hermy, and Albus's Mommy

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[LittleGirl's...]

Hi again Lisa,

Another thing is that I have found writing letters to my precious "kidz" whose physical selves have passed on to be really comforting and healing. I have also written letters "from" them to me and it has felt healing to "read" what they want me to know, how much they love me.

Write again when you are up for it. Hoping to hear more Harry stories and wanting to be there for support.

Kathy