Missing Our Sweet Beagle Almond, Still can't believe it Options

[Thea]

Our poor baby was gone from us too soon. Last Saturday, we lost our Almond. I'm still in disbelief. I feel so devastated. That day, it felt like everything was against us. A late diagnosis despite being in and out of the clinic since Tuesday, no access for a blood transfusion, and me already being just outside the clinic when I heard the terrible news. Almond was our first dog, who was only just over a year old. Perhaps that's what makes it all the more painful. I feel responsible like I didn't take care of him enough, that maybe if we had access to better medical care he would be okay. I try not to think of the "what ifs" or the "maybe". But it's still there- the guilt and the blame just in the back of my mind. I know it's no use thinking about it, that we had no idea it would be this way, but all this negativity still finds a way to drown me.
Every moment still breaks my heart. Especially when I realize he really isn't here anymore. Like when I see the scratches on the door when he tried to reach the doorknob, the corner of the table he chewed on as a teething pup, the special collar with a bow tie he was supposed to wear for Christmas or no longer needing the small gate in the hallway or to hide my shoes. The house feels so empty. So quiet. I'm trying to accept that he really is gone and that he's in a better place happy and no longer in pain. I've made a memorial page to help cope with the loss but there are still moments that I miss him terribly especially when I remember favorite moments like him chasing my feet under the blanket, his silly little walk and wagging tail, curling up into a ball to sleep, showing his belly the moment I start petting him. Our sweet little Almond, I was hoping for more time together. More playing, lovely walks, games of fetch and chase. I know when the time comes we'll see you again and we can play and walk on the lush green grass, sleep while the gentle winds sing a lullaby and never be separated again. You will always be in our hearts, little one. Rest well and until we meet again.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Thea, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Unfortunately there is no easy way to navigate this grief adjustment journey. There are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time sometimes one moment at a time because you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that in include this time yesterday, last week, last month, etc., to endure.

One of the many first withouts is getting your beloved Almond's ashes back. This can be a two sided coin - - the one side it will be a relief to have him back home with you where he belongs - - yet the other side is yet another painful reminder he is no longer in the physical form that your heart and arms long for him to be. Having his pictures placed with his urn sounds like a wonderful memorial. Like many of our forum correspondents I have found making a memorial album of my beloved companions very helpful in focusing on their life.

When our companions come into our hearts and home our lives are changed for the better. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again faced with the incredibly painful task of having to re-invent our routines that no longer include their physical needs - - meals prepared, walks, play time, cuddles, etc.. Especially during the deep grief it can feel like every moment of every hour of every day is a painful reminder of what we no longer need to do. But I promise you, Thea, that it will not always be this way. One day very likely when you least expect it you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - and your heart will fill with the warmth of your many wonderful memories you share with your beloved Almond. Does this mean you will never again feel sadness of missing his sweet precious physical presence? No - - for your heart and arms will always miss holding your beloved Almond - - but the moments of sadness will not be as intense as they are now.

But even though our companions are no longer with us in their physical form, they still find ways to communicate with us and let us know their sweet Living Spirits are still close to us. You have already experienced one of the ways your beloved Almond has comforted you in letting you know he is well and happy by sharing the rainbow with you. Don't be surprised if sometimes you hear the click of his nails on the floor or think you see him out of the corner of your eye, etc.. There are times when I still hear the jingle of collar tags, and feel the "thump" on the bed of one of my beloved companions - - and it isn't my precious feline companion Noah who is still with me. Please let me try to reassure you that if you do experience one or more such "phenomenon" you are NOT going crazy - - it is your beloved Almond letting you know he is still with you.

Thank you again so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Almond with us. I hope today is treating you kindly, Thea, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Almond's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
mopn_beam

[Thea]

Hi moon_beam,

Thank you so much for the kind words of support. I'm so glad to have found this forum where everyone has welcomed me with open arms and warmth especially during this difficult time. I'm still adjusting to the absence, though there are times based on habit I guess when I still think that Almond is still here. Like when the house is more quiet I just suddenly think "Oh, he's sleeping or he's in the garden" or I would suddenly wake up at 6 or 7 am since that was the time he would tap me awake to be let out.

moon_beam, we brought him home today. It was quite an emotional journey back. I found it bittersweet. You were right to say that it is a two sided coin. I'm glad to have brought him home though I never thought it would be this way. I put his urn in the passenger seat hoping from above he could enjoy the car ride home. He always enjoyed car rides and even during the time he was sick he climbed up to the front seat to enjoy the view. During his last trip before he was confined at the clinic, I opened the window a bit so he could also enjoy the sounds and smells from the outside. I'm just sad I didn't let him sit in the front as much as he liked.

For now I decided to put his urn on the shelf where I used to keep his things. They even gave me a plaster cast of his paw print and a lock of fur. I also placed some of his things like his harness, his bow tie and tag, his striped sweater and a photo. We were even able to save a couple of blankets since he didn't use them the time he was sick so it was all right to keep. I plan to put them in the shelf below along with a photo album. I'll try to upload a photo of it soon

Thank you moon_beam, I really hope that one day when I remember the time I spent with our baby Almond, there will be no more tears but just smiles for all the fun we had and all the love I felt. Right now I still think I hear him like the little sound he makes when he yawns or the taps on the floor, or see him strolling in the garden in the corner of my eye. Once I even heard a small tap on the door and a sniff! Perhaps it really is him sending a message of comfort. I really hope so and not just my imagination. I miss the little guy so much.

Thank you again for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers and I hope today is treating you kindly as well moon_beam.

Best wishes,

Thea