Missing Our Sweet Beagle Almond, Still can't believe it Options

[Thea]

Our poor baby was gone from us too soon. Last Saturday, we lost our Almond. I'm still in disbelief. I feel so devastated. That day, it felt like everything was against us. A late diagnosis despite being in and out of the clinic since Tuesday, no access for a blood transfusion, and me already being just outside the clinic when I heard the terrible news. Almond was our first dog, who was only just over a year old. Perhaps that's what makes it all the more painful. I feel responsible like I didn't take care of him enough, that maybe if we had access to better medical care he would be okay. I try not to think of the "what ifs" or the "maybe". But it's still there- the guilt and the blame just in the back of my mind. I know it's no use thinking about it, that we had no idea it would be this way, but all this negativity still finds a way to drown me.
Every moment still breaks my heart. Especially when I realize he really isn't here anymore. Like when I see the scratches on the door when he tried to reach the doorknob, the corner of the table he chewed on as a teething pup, the special collar with a bow tie he was supposed to wear for Christmas or no longer needing the small gate in the hallway or to hide my shoes. The house feels so empty. So quiet. I'm trying to accept that he really is gone and that he's in a better place happy and no longer in pain. I've made a memorial page to help cope with the loss but there are still moments that I miss him terribly especially when I remember favorite moments like him chasing my feet under the blanket, his silly little walk and wagging tail, curling up into a ball to sleep, showing his belly the moment I start petting him. Our sweet little Almond, I was hoping for more time together. More playing, lovely walks, games of fetch and chase. I know when the time comes we'll see you again and we can play and walk on the lush green grass, sleep while the gentle winds sing a lullaby and never be separated again. You will always be in our hearts, little one. Rest well and until we meet again.

[LittleGirl's...]

Thea,

I am SO very sorry about the physical loss of your precious Almond ! There is nothing like this raw, excruciating grief. It is absolutely heartbreaking.

Your story reminds me so much of how I felt when I lost my kitty, Mariah, several years ago. She was only 3 years old, had a serious, painful condition (pancreatitis) and I felt I didn't get her medical treatment soon enough! And they did transfusions, etc., etc., but couldn't save her! I thought back over all the things I felt I had done wrong! I berated myself for scolding her for playing with my silk birds that I had up on the curtain rod and other places. I thought the grief and guilt would consume me. I would do anything to have her back. I know that you know the feeling.

Please keep in mind that guilt is an automatic part of grief and it has not due to anything that you did wrong. Almond does not want you feeling an ounce of guilt. You have been a wonderful Mom. There are ALWAYS so many things we think back on and wish we had done differently. But please remember that it's humanly impossible for us to be as perfect as we think we "should" be. And Almond knows this! He wants you to be gentle on yourself.

He is just fine, and in bliss, in the realm he's in and you'll be fully reunited when it is your time. And, his blissful spirit is around you now. But I know you yearn to have his sweet physical form there!!!

Some of the things that helped me:
--I was in a women's support group and I chose this as my issue to work through. I had an excellent facilitator who helped me to understand, for instance, that regarding the silk-bird incident, Mariah didn't hold any grudges! She was probably rather amused with herself that she "snuck" a bird or 2 off the curtain rod, only to be caught. When she realized I felt guilty about it, she told me to not give it another thought, that it was minor!

--Regarding not spending what I felt was enough time with Mariah, a friend reminded me that humans' lives are far more complex than pets' lives are. We do have lots of things we have to attend to---running a household, earning money (to take care of our pets ), and even taking time just for ourselves. That's normal.

--I wrote letters to Mariah expressing what I wanted to tell her. Then I wrote responses "from her" and when I read them, I "got it" that she was telling me only good things. I found this comforting.

--I wondered if maybe 3 years was supposed to be "her time."

--A friend remarked, about another kitty I lost: "God gave Dolly to you because there was no one better suited to be her Mom." The same is true of Mariah. And, the same is true regarding you and Almond!

Someone from this site wrote a poem and this is an excerpt.

Oh Mommie in the end as always
Nothing that you did was wrong.
No matter where I was I felt it,
Your love for me was oh so strong.

Oh Mommie, Mommie please don't worry
For there is nothing to forgive.
A life of peace and joy and gladness
Is what I want for you to live.

One day, possibly sooner than later, Almond may guide you to some needy dog who needs you.  I am sure Almond will feel honored that you are helping and loving another precious soul in need.

Please check in when you get a chance! Thinking of you and sending prayers!

If and when you feel up to it, would you share your memorial page and / or a picture of Almond? I would love to see.

Kathy

[Thea]

Hi Kathy,

Thank you so much for the kind words, support and prayers and for sharing your story about Mariah.

I've been feeling a lot better though there are still moments of sadness, I've realized it's better to remember the happy times and I know Almond would want that too. I really hope that each day, the moments of guilt and sadness will fade bit by bit and be replaced by smiles remembering him as his happy little self. He was a mischievous little pup who always got into some trouble but I wouldn't have him any way.

You know Kathy, I saw a rainbow yesterday. I just knew it was a sign from him especially when my mom told me about the Rainbow Bridge. I was about to get in our car when I saw a multitude of colors on the driver's seat. When I sat down I bathed in its warm light. Almond loved car rides (even to the vet!) and I wish I had let him sit at the front more often.

Thank you for sharing the things that have helped you with the physical loss of your Mariah. My friends have been very supportive and patient throughout my grieving process and have even posted short messages and lit "candles" for Almond on his page which I will share below. Editing his page and organizing his photos has been a great way for me to cope. I've also written notes to him but I never thought about writing replies. Thank you so much for this. I will try it soon

I also read a quote somewhere from a 4-year old boy on why dogs don't live as long as people and I think he's quite right:

“People are born so that they learn how to live a good life – like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long.”

Thank you as well for sharing your friend's remark about your Dolly. I quite agree - all we want is for our furbabies to live a good happy life and we do everything we can for them to have that.

Finally, thank you for sharing the poem. It felt like Almond was the one telling me this and that I should find happiness again. I've also realized that life is a balance - that I wouldn't have felt all the happiness I had spending time with Almond if I wasn't feeling the sadness of his loss.

Kathy, I'm really thankful for your kind reply and support. It has helped me greatly on dealing with this pain and I'm grateful for the stories and words you've shared with me today. I'm sure Mariah and Dolly are watching over you with a smile.

[Thea]

Hi again Kathy,

Here is Almond's memorial page:

http://almond.pets-memories.com/

I've also decided to share some of my favorite photos. I'm still organizing them and it makes me smile seeing them all. It was like watching him grow all over again. This process has helped me remember the happier moments.

It was always quite difficult to take his picture unless he was sleeping. He would move around so much that many of his photos are blurry. I had so much fun trying to get that perfect shot and I hope he did too.

Attached image(s)

 

[LittleGirl's...]

Hi Thea,

Thanks for sharing how you are doing, and the special things Almond would do. And about the rainbow! I hadn't seen one in maybe a year, and … I saw one today! It didn't even occur to me until now, but I think it too much of a “coincidence” that you had seen one from Almond yesterday and now I have seen one. (And as rare as they are to see.... When I lost my beloved Little Girl in 2004, I had huge rainbow signs!). I now think the one I saw was sort of echoing the feelings you had when you saw yours. It was a sign of comfort from all our beloved pets who have passed on.

Very glad to hear that you have good support at home and with friends. That's so valuable. We all need that at a time like this!

This is such wisdom, what you said: “I've also realized that life is a balance - that I wouldn't have felt all the happiness I had spending time with Almond if I wasn't feeling the sadness of his loss.” 

Really glad to hear that organizing Almond's photos (as Lynette said, what a cutie!) and editing his page is helping you, and that you are able to smile thinking of happy moments. What an awesome page you put together!!! Wow. And that is quite a gallery of photographs---I can't decide which is my favorite. Him in his striped sweater maybe? They are all outstanding. Would also love to see a picture of your memorial with the urn and the bow tie, etc., when that happens.

I had tears in my eyes reading moon_beam's last post---her heartfelt wisdom is so wonderfully reassuring and true.

Keep in touch,

Kathy