The Debate, pts Options

[Saki & Freyj...]

So I say to myself "You should put Lec down before xmas instead of dragging her out to your folks house and stressing her out and etc. ..." Then I say "No, I can't do that. Even though I know she is dying, I should wait til Friday bc I won't be able to get thru xmas if I put her down before then..."

Then I think "Heck, I can't make an appt for friday. Nope. God(s) gave me a sign when it was time to put Frey down, and in their mercy took Saki from me and spared me that pain of putting her to sleep and until I get some sorta damned sign, I shouldn't even think about it..."

Then I look at Lec, cat milk (the only thing she'll consume now-- and very little of that) all over her face, too thin to get a damned needle in her for fluids and I think "YOU need to be merciful, you need to be strong... you are selfish..."

And this goes round and round and round and round in my head all day long.

I've had my talk with lec and told her she doesn't have to be strong and that she can go if she needs to. But I haven't had the balls to ask the gods if they will go ahead and take her. Last time, they answered that prayer, and while I really am quite grateful, at the same time, I guess I am scared that if I do that, they WILL take her...

[Saki & Freyj...]

It's so odd that you say that, Sue.

Last night as I was vegging on the couch, I received this overwhelming sense of peace. I felt like I was with them (not like they were here with me). When they first died, it felt as if my soul had been ripped, and a piece was missing. And it HURT. But this was different. It was like that piece they took was at the bridge WITH them already, snuggling and playing-- they weren't alone or scared, bc I am still with them. It was a very safe, comforting, peaceful feeling. And my soul was not torn in half when they went, but doubled so that it could go with them. It was a nice feeling...