The Debate, pts Options

[Saki & Freyj...]

So I say to myself "You should put Lec down before xmas instead of dragging her out to your folks house and stressing her out and etc. ..." Then I say "No, I can't do that. Even though I know she is dying, I should wait til Friday bc I won't be able to get thru xmas if I put her down before then..."

Then I think "Heck, I can't make an appt for friday. Nope. God(s) gave me a sign when it was time to put Frey down, and in their mercy took Saki from me and spared me that pain of putting her to sleep and until I get some sorta damned sign, I shouldn't even think about it..."

Then I look at Lec, cat milk (the only thing she'll consume now-- and very little of that) all over her face, too thin to get a damned needle in her for fluids and I think "YOU need to be merciful, you need to be strong... you are selfish..."

And this goes round and round and round and round in my head all day long.

I've had my talk with lec and told her she doesn't have to be strong and that she can go if she needs to. But I haven't had the balls to ask the gods if they will go ahead and take her. Last time, they answered that prayer, and while I really am quite grateful, at the same time, I guess I am scared that if I do that, they WILL take her...

[Saki & Freyj...]

Well, I printed a bunch of pics for my calendar, and the calendar pages today. On the front I have everyones dob and dod... and a message to them. I think Lec is in more photos than Saki and Frey and I feel a tad bit guilty about that but not too much, because... because 1) Lec was sitting in my lap, so sick, crying and wanting comfort, so choosing the pics is something we did together a few days before she passed and bc 2) lec was always the most photogenic one (weird that even animals can be photogenic... )

It feels nice. I can't explain it. I made two copies, one to keep at home and one to keep at work. But it feels like I am honoring them in a way that feels right. It feels like maybe they will always be with me. I don't know -- it just feels right. None of the photos are of our new babies...

I also worked on Lec's collage frame. I'd thought about doing it when I did Saki and Freyja's, after they passed, but that felt wrong, and I figured I would get some comfort doing Lec's when the time came. And it does...

The whole time I worked at the table working on the calendar and frame, Daphne, one of the new kitties, crawled all over me, the pics, the scissors, etc. It was cute and irritating and mostly cute all at once. Last night, Daphne slept on my chest and velma on my tum. That felt nice, too.