Heartbroken, And Scared To Death It Was My Fault Options

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. It is very difficult particularly during the deep grief to have to put on the "public face" to get through the daily routines and expectations of jobs, shopping, gatherings with friends, family, colleagues, etc., and then needing to release the deep sorrow when we are finally in a "quieter moment." I remember all too well when I was working thankful for the privacy of the restroom where I could retreat to regain my composure so that I could return to my desk to resume my work - - and then getting into the car for the drive home having the floodgates of gut-wrenching sorrow burst open no longer able to be contained. Scientific studies show that it is healthy to cry for the tears we cry are literally healing tears as they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grieving. So - - cry as you need to, Heartbroken - - even if you must wait until you are in the privacy of a "quiet moment" to do so.

For different traumatic reasons I can also relate to your episodes of flashbacks to when you found your beloved Smedley. It is perfectly normal particularly during the deep grief for you to have a heightened awareness of similar circumstances with other companions that you experienced with your beloved Smedley. I promise you that as your deep grief eases the flashbacks and panic reactions will not always be so intense. I promise you that one day very likely when you least expect it you will be thinking of your beloved Smedley and your heart will fill with the warmth of your many treasured memories and you will find yourself smiling - - truly smiling - - which is what your beloved Smedley wants. But until this day comes for you please know we are here for you, with you, and beside you to share with you your not so bad days, the not so good days, and the days when it feels like your heart can no longer bear the burden of your deepest sorrow.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Heartbroken, and that you will have peaceful evenings blessed with your beloved Smedley's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam