Severus Died. Options

[Kitty Mom]

I haven't had to deal with this kind of pain since I lost my cat Petunia back in 2011. Unfortunately it happened again
I lost my black cat Severus on the 17th and I am devastated. I have no one who I can talk to and I'm finding it both difficult and comforting that everything else remains the same.
He had previously been diagnosed with a grade 2 heart murmur and my once 18 pound cat shrunk to 9 to 10 pounds.
Despite that he was always up to eat greet me or socialize with my other 2 cats Daisy and Patchabie.
I came home Feb 6 to find him open mouth breathing I didn't get him into the vets till the 10 where they did X-rays. I believed it would cost 600 dollars like it did at my other vets the first time his heart was checked. They only charged 160 I feel guilty that I didn't ask the price and get his heat looked at sooner. They couldn't see his heart because his lungs were fluid filled so they drained them on the 11 and placed him on Lasix. He was still having difficulty breathing so I brought him back to the vet on the 17 to have his lungs drained again . I waited in the waiting room as the secretary told me they had drained only one lung they were attempting to do the second but he was not happy. Turns out he ended up passing away during the procedure. I found out at the vets that he had dropped to 6 pounds when he was weighed on the 17 he was 7 apparently when they weighed him on the 10 or 11. They never told me he had lost the weight I knew he was light but I thought he was still 9 to 10 pounds . They also told me and showed me that the fluid in his lungs was tainted in blood.
I feel so guilty for not having his heart checked as I believe his murmur progressed into heart disease and killed him. I just thought it would cost 600 and Since I moved states I didn't have any savings left I couldn't afford that even for myself.
I also hadn't been giving him his atenolol though he did get part of a baby aspirin every 3 to 4 days to prevent clots. I thought he was doing ok without his atenolol but I should never have stopped giving it to him daily.
The night of the 16 he curled up next to me in bed and I was so positive he would beat this and live but I should have spared him the pain and put him down. He was just still active and talking to me so I was scared to make that choice if he could be saved.
I'm just missing him so much and feeling guilty and nobody around me cares that I hurt.

[Kitty Mom]

Thank you for your reply. I attempted to add a photo but was told the file was larger than the available space.
I go through moments of intense grief and guilt and other times I feel almost normal. The grief scares me a little sometimes I feel like I will never feel happy again without my Boo (Nickname for Severus).
Other times I feel angry not at anyone just the fact that Severus died and I have to feel like this.
I'm not entirely sure how old he was. I thought he was given to me by a friend in the year 2000 to cheer me up after my black half Siamese cat Sylvester disappeared. He was only 5 weeks old when I got him. My mother on the other hand does not believe I got him that early and thinks he was only almost 13.

I'm used to and happy to spend time alone usually so I don't really have anyone interested in helping me deal with my grief.
My mother wants me not to dwell on it. I attempt not to but it isn't easy to avoid the fact that a much loved being who has been with me for years just died. Especially when everything in my apartment reminds me of Severus.
I try not to shut myself off and make myself go out. Of course I must go to work it hasn't been fun working while trying not to cry all day. I'm also trying to love up my 2 remaining female cats Patchabie and Daisy. Though being with them is also a constant reminder of Severus.

The 18 was the first full day without Severus and I spent it working while attempting to appear happy. I deserve an award for my acting. I returned home to feed my cats only to grab 3 bowls and 3 pouches of meow mix completely forgetting for a second that I only required 2 now. It was just instinct to grab 3 of each as I'd always had 3 cats to feed.

Sometimes I find my mind trying to convince myself that Severus is still alive and just sleeping in one of his hiding spots in the apartment out of my sight. I know this is not true and he won't be coming back but I believe this is my brains attempt to cheer me up and fix my depression.