Heartbroken, And Scared To Death It Was My Fault Options

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

[BabyHenry]

Heartbroken -

As I read your first entry, I realized it could have been written by me. My orange cat Henry (who was only ten) died unexpectedly on June 1, 2014, after a seemingly normal Sunday. He was the best cat ever, he loved me like your Smedley loved you - we had special activities and games, sleeping and napping rituals, he waited for me to come home from work, we would "talk", etc. -- all the things you describe. He traveled with me through many airports, helped me through some really rough times and some very happy times. he went to my sisters wedding (She is a vet, so it is not as weird as it sounds -- several animals were there.)

I thought he was so special, and nicest of all, it was clear he was convinced that I was the most special person he ever met.

Like you, I'm heartbroken, I'm furious/sad that Henry, like Smedley, didn't have time to get old. Worst of all, I too am terrified that I should have noticed something was wrong, and if I had, he could have stayed with me longer. I'm scared I let him down and that the horrible pain I feel of missing him is deserved -- some kind of cosmic punishment for being a bad cat mom. You were smart to get an autopsy to have some answers. At the time Henry died I was so upset I could not bear of thinking of him being cut up (even though I know "he" was not there anymore, and would not care!). Plus, I am not sure if I could bear it if it had turned out to be something that I could have helped and and should have noticed!

I'm sorry this post is so much about me - but reading your post was so close to how I feel and I have not ever send it out loud or
written it down in the 8 months since Henry died.

Everyone tells me: Think of the time you had with your pet, and ask it it was worth it, even though you are now separated - of course, the answer is always "yes", and that is supposed to make you think of the good times you had rather than the loss. I keep trying and sometimes I find comfort in that. Right now, even 8 month later, it is still pretty hard (especially the 1st of each month).

I hope you feel better soon.

- K.

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Heartbroken -

As I read your first entry, I realized it could have been written by me. My orange cat Henry (who was only ten) died unexpectedly on June 1, 2014, after a seemingly normal Sunday. He was the best cat ever, he loved me like your Smedley loved you - we had special activities and games, sleeping and napping rituals, he waited for me to come home from work, we would "talk", etc. -- all the things you describe. He traveled with me through many airports, helped me through some really rough times and some very happy times. he went to my sisters wedding (She is a vet, so it is not as weird as it sounds -- several animals were there.)

I thought he was so special, and nicest of all, it was clear he was convinced that I was the most special person he ever met.

Like you, I'm heartbroken, I'm furious/sad that Henry, like Smedley, didn't have time to get old. Worst of all, I too am terrified that I should have noticed something was wrong, and if I had, he could have stayed with me longer. I'm scared I let him down and that the horrible pain I feel of missing him is deserved -- some kind of cosmic punishment for being a bad cat mom. You were smart to get an autopsy to have some answers. At the time Henry died I was so upset I could not bear of thinking of him being cut up (even though I know "he" was not there anymore, and would not care!). Plus, I am not sure if I could bear it if it had turned out to be something that I could have helped and and should have noticed!

I'm sorry this post is so much about me - but reading your post was so close to how I feel and I have not ever send it out loud or
written it down in the 8 months since Henry died.

Everyone tells me: Think of the time you had with your pet, and ask it it was worth it, even though you are now separated - of course, the answer is always "yes", and that is supposed to make you think of the good times you had rather than the loss. I keep trying and sometimes I find comfort in that. Right now, even 8 month later, it is still pretty hard (especially the 1st of each month).

I hope you feel better soon.

- K.

Wow - those are some crazy similarities. Thank you for sharing your story with me and I am so sorry for your loss. I relate SO much to what you describe, especially the guilt and feeling like I failed him.

Yes the vet (who I work with) had to coax me to let him go to do the autopsy as soon as possible, and at first I wasn't sure if it was the right thing, but overall I'm glad I got answers. It was so horrible to have to do that...the whole thing is horrible. I can't believe it still. I've been pretty balanced between grief episodes, remembering good times, some traumatic flashbacks to finding him, and just a general sadness and emptiness. I feel sad that others get to go to bed cuddling their pets at night and I can't anymore. I worry that the other animals in my life that I see regularly will "replace" his memories. I talk briefly to his ashes every night before bed. I miss him so terribly..

The idea of orange cats at a wedding is so sweet, I love it.