Heartbroken, And Scared To Death It Was My Fault Options

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

[morning glory]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

I cried and I cried reading your post...I too have the guilt as I am a nurse and feel like I failed my beautiful Morning Glory…. I am afraid I made her live too long, probably in pain and did not see how she had declined….i was a hospice nurse for godsake and should have seen…I do not feel like l told her enough how much I loved her and gave her all the time I needed and should have and I feel just sick and heartbroken over my selfishness…her last two days I hardly spent with her as I knew it was coming and I could not bear it and had to distance myself…what a horrible ungrateful selfish thing to do…how could I do that to her?? The only thing that EVER loved me enough to stay when things got so bad, who never judged me or thought of herself instead of me, who always loved me no matter what…how could I do that??… I will never forgive myself for that. ..I too am lost an empty and the house so cold, dark and lonely….when I finally vacuumed it was so very hard….i felt I was dishonoring her by doing it and did not like that life and time went on as it showed her no honor....my life revolved around her too as she was a rescue and had very bad anxiety, was blind I finally realized, probably had IBS and was hyperthyroid and on meds for all of these…she kept me alive several times when I wanted to kill myself as I knew there was no one to take her and give her what she needed…I too have depression, anxiety, I lost my career to a hereditary disease that has taken the feeling in my hands and feet away and left me on disability…..she got me through so many sad and hard times and I will never forget her little ears that were balding…. wet with my tears as I left her on that table at the vets….she had let me cry and cuddle her so many times when I was so sad, scared and did not know what to do…. I had an orange tabby named Pumpkin as I got him on Halloween at 16 yrs old and he was a total surprise as I had wanted a cat for years and was always told no....Your baby looks so much liked him I cried as it could have been him…I remember doing my math homework at my desk with me hugging him over my shoulder and how he purred and was so happy to just be with me…..and I have pics of him with my mom who died two months after I had to put him to sleep when I was 27....I feel for you so bad as finding him in your bed had to be devastating....he passed in the place he loved the most, with the smells of his mom all around him, knowing how much he was loved, how you gave him the very best of everything you could and he seemed to have died peacefully it sounds...I know it does not make the pain go away and I am sorry as I wish I could…I hate to think of anyone suffering like I am….through my grief I am starting to see that there is never ever going to be a way that our beloved friends, companions, soul mates and babies could have passed and left us that would ever feel ok and not hurt and make us feel guilty and that we failed them…..it killed me to have to take my beautiful girl to the vet to be put to sleep…..the place she hated and was scared the most of all….to die in cold, clinical surroundings, I begged her and pleaded for her not to leave me all alone.......I wanted to crawl on that cold tabled with her and go where ever she going…..it seemed that was what I was suppose to do….my mom had knitted a blanket for my future kitties she told me before she died and I send this with Morning…I just could not bear to take it with me and I did not want her to be cold….I too took some of her hair to keep like you, her dishes, blanket, medicine reminded me of how alone I am now and how lost....the last thing I took away was her litter box and that was just a week ago and she died on 12/15….i wish there was a way for those like us grieving and suffering such deep losses to be able to give each other the time together, talking, care, hugs and reassurances we all need right now….it feels so very lonely out in the real world where you are expected to act and be normal though you heart has been ripped out and there are so many people who have never had a relationship with a pet like us…..i believe animals are mankind’ s undeserving and unasked for gift from God….nothing in this world will ever love you as unselfishly, unconditionally, and completely like an animal…..i believe they are here as our example of what we are to learn and do on this planet and that is love….pure, giving love…I pray for you some peace from your guilt as I do mine and try to find the thankfulness that we were so very blessed to have this wonderful being, connection and love in our lives though it was never for long enough…

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I cried and I cried reading your post...I too have the guilt as I am a nurse and feel like I failed my beautiful Morning Glory…. I am afraid I made her live too long, probably in pain and did not see how she had declined….i was a hospice nurse for godsake and should have seen…I do not feel like l told her enough how much I loved her and gave her all the time I needed and should have and I feel just sick and heartbroken over my selfishness…her last two days I hardly spent with her as I knew it was coming and I could not bear it and had to distance myself…what a horrible ungrateful selfish thing to do…how could I do that to her?? The only thing that EVER loved me enough to stay when things got so bad, who never judged me or thought of herself instead of me, who always loved me no matter what…how could I do that??… I will never forgive myself for that. ..I too am lost an empty and the house so cold, dark and lonely….when I finally vacuumed it was so very hard….i felt I was dishonoring her by doing it and did not like that life and time went on as it showed her no honor....my life revolved around her too as she was a rescue and had very bad anxiety, was blind I finally realized, probably had IBS and was hyperthyroid and on meds for all of these…she kept me alive several times when I wanted to kill myself as I knew there was no one to take her and give her what she needed…I too have depression, anxiety, I lost my career to a hereditary disease that has taken the feeling in my hands and feet away and left me on disability…..she got me through so many sad and hard times and I will never forget her little ears that were balding…. wet with my tears as I left her on that table at the vets….she had let me cry and cuddle her so many times when I was so sad, scared and did not know what to do…. I had an orange tabby named Pumpkin as I got him on Halloween at 16 yrs old and he was a total surprise as I had wanted a cat for years and was always told no....Your baby looks so much liked him I cried as it could have been him…I remember doing my math homework at my desk with me hugging him over my shoulder and how he purred and was so happy to just be with me…..and I have pics of him with my mom who died two months after I had to put him to sleep when I was 27....I feel for you so bad as finding him in your bed had to be devastating....he passed in the place he loved the most, with the smells of his mom all around him, knowing how much he was loved, how you gave him the very best of everything you could and he seemed to have died peacefully it sounds...I know it does not make the pain go away and I am sorry as I wish I could…I hate to think of anyone suffering like I am….through my grief I am starting to see that there is never ever going to be a way that our beloved friends, companions, soul mates and babies could have passed and left us that would ever feel ok and not hurt and make us feel guilty and that we failed them…..it killed me to have to take my beautiful girl to the vet to be put to sleep…..the place she hated and was scared the most of all….to die in cold, clinical surroundings, I begged her and pleaded for her not to leave me all alone.......I wanted to crawl on that cold tabled with her and go where ever she going…..it seemed that was what I was suppose to do….my mom had knitted a blanket for my future kitties she told me before she died and I send this with Morning…I just could not bear to take it with me and I did not want her to be cold….I too took some of her hair to keep like you, her dishes, blanket, medicine reminded me of how alone I am now and how lost....the last thing I took away was her litter box and that was just a week ago and she died on 12/15….i wish there was a way for those like us grieving and suffering such deep losses to be able to give each other the time together, talking, care, hugs and reassurances we all need right now….it feels so very lonely out in the real world where you are expected to act and be normal though you heart has been ripped out and there are so many people who have never had a relationship with a pet like us…..i believe animals are mankind’ s undeserving and unasked for gift from God….nothing in this world will ever love you as unselfishly, unconditionally, and completely like an animal…..i believe they are here as our example of what we are to learn and do on this planet and that is love….pure, giving love…I pray for you some peace from your guilt as I do mine and try to find the thankfulness that we were so very blessed to have this wonderful being, connection and love in our lives though it was never for long enough…

Hi, Thanks for responding. I relate so much to what you wrote, I cried too. I really wish I could have met Morning Glory and Pumpkin. I think you are right that no matter what happens we always think we didn't do enough, and I bet you are thinking you were less attentive than you were in her last days! I'm certain she knew how much you loved her! I know you probably don't believe me. But I'm sure of it. I hope that you're getting help with your depression and anxiety. I'm trying to get back to a therapist but am waiting on insurance stuff.

I'm moving out tomorrow morning and so today was cleaning everything and packing, and finally had to throw out his litter box. It's strange, isn't it, that something like that would be one of the hardest things to get rid of. It feels disrespectful to him to be moving to some new place and leaving behind the last space we shared so happily. Even though the new place is much better for me, I'd give up whatever I needed to have Smedley back. I just want life to go back to the way it was. He started having problems suddenly one night and two days - gone. He was so unique, so unlike any other cat I've known, and SO loving to me. One of the last videos I have of him, he was playing with gift wrap, and when I reached out to crinkle it for him, he would just stare at me and rub my hand instead. Sometimes he would even look into the shower and meow when I was in there. Plus, he had asymmetrical toes, his front paws were teardrop-shaped. Cleaning today I found toys, a single piece of cat food behind a door.. and yes his ears were balding too...

People are already asking me when I'm going to get a new cat or telling me to adopt such and such cat...it's only been two weeks. And these are people who have otherwise been sensitive to my loss. I just say, "Not ready."