The End To A Long Story Options

[Earl A.]

I wrote this site back in May 2005, after I lost my beloved Weimaraner 'Schatszie'. I lived alone then at 50, as I still do now, and still have a small business operation from my home. At ten years old Schatszie started having Liver issues, which then turned into kidney problems. Two days before I had the Vet put Schatszie to sleep, she had a major siezure.After rushing her to the Vet for treatment, she was revived but couldn't walk. It was a gut wrenching experience, but I got two more days with her, so that I could look her in the eyes to tell her I loved Her before she passed. After Schatszie passed, I swore I just couldn't get another friend, but after ~8 months, I woke up one day and decided to search for another Weim Puppy, which turned out to be dead ends every where I searched......no new or expected litters anywhere. Then, I got a lead, that a Very Reputable Weim Breeder here in Texas just had a litter and there were two pups remaing, unspoken for, and one was a female! I was so damn excited,......My pitiful loneliness would now be gone. After arriving at the breeder's home, I observed some of her other weims in her kennel. Something didn't seem right with their looks, as per what most standard Weims that I have had look like. We then proceeded to see my new puppy, 'Steffie'. We took her outside to let her run with another male adult dog, and I was sold......she had a feisty way about her,....not a quitter to the very end, as she kept trying to take the cloth toy from the other dog's mouth. 'Steffie' was a very healthy looking puppy. The first two years I had her, there were zero health issues. But when she was ~3 years old, she got a lower respiratory infection, contributed mostly by the exteme pine tree pollen in the air here in the spring. Well, the Vet got that corrected, but there would be another flareup of this respiratory problem later, got it fixed, then never had anymore issues of such. Then when she was ~3.5 years, she developed some small circular lesions on both eyes, and after tests were run, they found that her triglyceride levels were very high. The Vet or Tx A&M Vet Clinic could never pinpoint the cause of the high Triglycerides, and I had to start her on expensive prescription 'Low Digestive Fat' food, plus a precribed medication given daily the rest of her life. When Steffie was almost 6 years, one day I was going to give her some of my banana, but she looked the other way, as if her sight/hearing was malfunctioning. Prior to this, she showed no signs of any health issues. Being an emergency, I rushed her to Tx A&M Vet Clinic. After IV's and many, many tests, she regained her sight, etc., and then they gave me the bad news, that they found a UTI(I hadn't observed anything in her actions telling me of this), and that she was technically loosing protein in her urine. They then told me that it was Chronic Kidney Failure and it would shorten her life by months or years. My first thought upon hearing this.....This can't be! Steffie is my new life, my salvation! This simply can't be happening! That was the longest drive home that day I've ever made. I had to return to A&M for followup visits so that they could get the new dosages correct on her medications that she would have to take the rest of her life. I had the Vet put Steffie to sleep this November 17. Steffie survived this insidious disease for 3.5 years, having given her one medication three times per day, four other medications twice per day, then her vitamins. Steffie got so tired of taking pills, not to mention I had to administer them down her throat or mixing them in baby food fruit products with a 60ml syringe......twice/day for 3.5 years. In early October of this year, she started loosing weight, muscle. I knew the end was near, and all the rescue drugs were now not working.....she was entering the fourth stage of kidney failure. Yes, I had the Vet give IV's as well as I at home, as I witnessed seemingly daily the unbelievable weight loss. Her poor body was dwindling to nothing. At ~8 days prior to her passing, she developed a secondary infection in her upper respiratory, mainly in her throat, whereby there was green mucous emitting from her nostrils and somewhat at her eyes. The Vet put her on antibiotics, and at times, one would think that it kept the infection in check, but in the end it came back. In the last 48 hours of Steffie's life, I was in contact with my Vet, letting her lead the way as per when the time was right. Hours before the Vet came to my house, Steffie had lost the use of her legs, and I had to carry her outside to urinate, etc..

I'm writing this lengthy story for a reason. I want all those poor souls that have or are presently going through this, that 'I Understand'. I understand 1000%. No one else but your Vet will understand. You can't talk to anyone about it, unless they have BEEN THERE. I also wrote this lengthy story for those that live alone with such happening to them. Living alone and loosing your Best Friend is another world in itself.

A month later I find myself lost,.....Nothing has meaning or purpose anymore,....I'm not needed anymore. Yes, I'm fully aware that only time can heal such wounds, but this was a very deep wound this time, regardless of how many times I've previously gone through having your Best Friend put to sleep. But, then, I try to grasp ahold of the positives,.....Steffie lived another 3.5 years, my Father helped me through the financial strain of ~$8,000.00+ I spent in 7 years keeping Steffie Healthy/Alive,.......I was with Steffie 24/7,.....BUT, in the end, I realize how lucky I am to be able to bury her here on my property, and place a headstone on her grave.

In closing, Chronic Kidney Failure is absolutely an insidious disease that wears many hats. The desperate things you do towards the end, thinking you can buy time, etc., but knowing the clock is ticking so damn loud you become desperate, you'll do anything but sit there and let your Best Friend die. Looking back, I'm at peace knowing I was able to hold my Benevolent, Sweet Steffie, and look her in the eyes....."I Love You Steffie".

[SummerHolly]

No being an introvert is not always easy, you have to look deep inside yourself to find a way forward. I look for it in nature and wide open spaces and my animals. Without my animals I could not be happy.

Yes it is not fair that Steffie had to deal with all those issues. Holly too was a sweet, pure spirit and I hated to ever see her in pain. She had 2 major surgeries but was always an upbeat dog. I can understand how the continual issues that Steffie had would be heartbreaking for you. I thankfully didnt have that with Holly.

I can also understand why you would feel why her. I obviously didnt know Steffie but I have found that dogs are remarkably resilient and they obviously dont ponder on these things as we do. They just live their lives as best they can and having a person who cares deeply for them is often all they need to be happy. I think you will always feel "Why Her" because you are human and you loved her.

Glad you will email the breeder. Anything that may reduce the chances of another dog and owner going through the same heartache. I did the same with my elbow dysplastic dog along with the owner of a related dog with the same issue from the same breeder, unfortunately the breeder denied it had anything to do with her dogs and my dog's sisters were used in her breeding program. Grr, we even reported it to the main governing body of the pedigree breeders, to no avail, although they have responded with certain breeds because of the number of complaints and for some breeds certain genetic testing is now compulsory.

My first dog had ongoing skin issues until finally towards the end of her life they come up with a new medication that was fantastic for her. I sometimes catch myself thinking about how great it would have been to have had that all her life. It didnt shorten her life just made her uncomfortable at times.

I think Earl that although it is hard, there will come a time where you should probably try and focus on all that was good in Steffies life. The negative bits always bring one down and we seem naturally drawn to agonise over them. They are a one way street to sadness and this is never productive as it is something we cannot change, no matter how much we wish we could.

I still do the same with my past dogs. However I am trying really hard now to focus on the good. I look at photos and videos of my Holly and my other dogs I have lost and I like the ones that make me smile about them.

It is not easy to do this but it is my current journey to try and deal with this. It is often not possible early in the grieving process, but I am finding it gets easier with time for me. But I did have to try and let go a little of all the guilt I felt over not recognising that Holly was so sick till near the end. I often tell her out loud that I am sorry.

I also felt like dying to get over it, I missed my Holly so much. However I have my other dogs to think about and I just kept working my way through it trying to find a way forward. To do this I just had to let go of agonising over some of the unproductive stuff.

I know it is hard.

[Earl A.]

No being an introvert is not always easy, you have to look deep inside yourself to find a way forward. I look for it in nature and wide open spaces and my animals. Without my animals I could not be happy.

Yes it is not fair that Steffie had to deal with all those issues. Holly too was a sweet, pure spirit and I hated to ever see her in pain. She had 2 major surgeries but was always an upbeat dog. I can understand how the continual issues that Steffie had would be heartbreaking for you. I thankfully didnt have that with Holly.

I can also understand why you would feel why her. I obviously didnt know Steffie but I have found that dogs are remarkably resilient and they obviously dont ponder on these things as we do. They just live their lives as best they can and having a person who cares deeply for them is often all they need to be happy. I think you will always feel "Why Her" because you are human and you loved her.

Glad you will email the breeder. Anything that may reduce the chances of another dog and owner going through the same heartache. I did the same with my elbow dysplastic dog along with the owner of a related dog with the same issue from the same breeder, unfortunately the breeder denied it had anything to do with her dogs and my dog's sisters were used in her breeding program. Grr, we even reported it to the main governing body of the pedigree breeders, to no avail, although they have responded with certain breeds because of the number of complaints and for some breeds certain genetic testing is now compulsory.

My first dog had ongoing skin issues until finally towards the end of her life they come up with a new medication that was fantastic for her. I sometimes catch myself thinking about how great it would have been to have had that all her life. It didnt shorten her life just made her uncomfortable at times.

I think Earl that although it is hard, there will come a time where you should probably try and focus on all that was good in Steffies life. The negative bits always bring one down and we seem naturally drawn to agonise over them. They are a one way street to sadness and this is never productive as it is something we cannot change, no matter how much we wish we could.

I still do the same with my past dogs. However I am trying really hard now to focus on the good. I look at photos and videos of my Holly and my other dogs I have lost and I like the ones that make me smile about them.

It is not easy to do this but it is my current journey to try and deal with this. It is often not possible early in the grieving process, but I am finding it gets easier with time for me. But I did have to try and let go a little of all the guilt I felt over not recognising that Holly was so sick till near the end. I often tell her out loud that I am sorry.

I also felt like dying to get over it, I missed my Holly so much. However I have my other dogs to think about and I just kept working my way through it trying to find a way forward. To do this I just had to let go of agonising over some of the unproductive stuff.

I know it is hard.

Yes SummerHolly, I daily tell Steffie 'I'm Sorry'......'I did all I could do'....., usually when I go to bed and in the morning as I go to the refrigerator door and see her picture(s).

On the window ledge above the kitchen sink is still a set of tweezers. I used it to remove the dried mucous excretions from her nostrils(the secondary infection in her throat, etc) the last 4-5 days. For some reason I refuse to put them away, out of sight. I also haven't put away the remaining container of Epakitin, sitting on the kitchen countertop, that I gave her for 3.5 years. I put away all the other medications, but not these two items.

I know it doesn't help, because our relationships with Holly and Steffie were ones of immortality. As I've suggested to you before, never loose sight of the fact that you had 14 loving years with Holly. I lived for 3.5 years on pins and needles not knowing when Steffie would leave me. That was no way to live except Steffie wasn't aware of it.

My Father got a Blue Tick Hound from a local No Kill shelter back in 1997....Blue. Blue was ~1 year old at the time and when my Father took him to Vet to get checked, Blue had Heartworms. Blue survived the treatment and lived to 15. When Steffie passed, my Father couldn't really understand the major difference in grief between Blue and Steffie. Even though I told my Father he was blessed with 15 years and Steffie with only 9, he just didn't see any difference. Here again, this site is really your only outlet to talk and discuss.

I hope you have a good day Summerholly.