Heartbroken, And Scared To Death It Was My Fault Options

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

[Ritch]

I am very sorry to hear about your cat. What was his name?

I recognize everything you are saying. I just lost my orange tabby cat Percy on October 23rd, when he was a bit less than eleven years old. You mention your cat's pancreas. I am pretty sure it was pancreatitis that killed Percy. He had survived it once before. I found a few suggestions on websites that orange cats have more sensitive digestive systems than most cats, but I didn't find any actual evidence for that. The state of cat medicine is fifty years or more behind human medicine. The autopsy may or may not give you answers as to what happened.

Guilt is part of grief; it comes with the territory of taking responsibility for animals who don't know how to take care of themselves. However, based on what you have said here, you almost certainly didn't do anything wrong. Your cat got sick, and you took him to the vet: That is what you are supposed to do with a sick cat. Any mistakes made from there are the vet's responsibility. Cats can be hard to diagnose, and you can't expect yourself to be on the same level as a professional.

Going through this is like living in a nightmare, but you can't wake up from it and have everything be right again. A cat like that supports you through all life's troubles, and when the cat is no longer there you have lost the one you want to turn to for comfort.

I don't have any answers for you on what to do. I can tell you that I collected some of Percy's fur, and made a collection of all my pictures him. I am writing down all the things he did so I won't forget them.

I can't make you feel better, but maybe I can distract you for a moment. I found a list of things that make orange cats special, and most of them applied to my cat. Here they are:

1) Love children.

2) Very tolerant and adapt well to their surroundings.

3) Loyal; once the orange tabby cat is a friend, it will be a friend forever.

4) Orange tabbies, especially males, have giant roaring purrs.

5) Very intelligent and inquisitive.

6) Energetic and exhausted, with extreme differences in energy.

7) Playful, and excellent hunters.

8) Well behaved, learn the rules easily, and accept their roles.

9) Sweethearts with gentle sweet-natured personalities.

Percy fit eight out of nine of these -- he wasn't thrilled by children.

Do you recognize your cat in this list?

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you both so much for your kind words.

My cat's name was Smedley and I absolutely recognize those traits in him. Never saw him around children, I'm not sure how he would have been, but he was always so loving and sweet to people. I've noticed that the orange cats I've met seem to really love people noticeably compared to other types of cats. He did have a roaring purr that was different from any other I've heard. It had a vocal component to it and the happier he was, the louder and more high-pitched it would get. He was so wonderful.

You're right, I'm not able to make judgments/decisions like an experienced professional, but I do work in the veterinary field and have some knowledge, so I feel tormented that I may have not realized or brushed off signs that he was ill. And the guilt has become so intense that I feel as if I am responsible because I took too long to get home, because I live too far from work, etc. etc. If I loved him so much then why isn't he here anymore? The vet was just as shocked as everyone else that he had died. It hurts so much - how could this have happened? He deserved so much more. So many horrendous what ifs in my mind. Like what if he had been a tiny bit alive when I found him (he was still so warm, but stiffening, but maybe..?) and had I rushed to the emergency vet instead of calling my friend panicking for a few minutes, he could have been revived? If I had just been home...?

I'm doing the same things you mentioned - gathering all the pictures and videos, and I have some whiskers and when preparing his body we shaved some of his fur to keep. He had really unique stripe patterns and on his sides he had two swirls that looked like spiral galaxies. I love astronomy so this was particularly delightful to me. I also set up an area with mementos, toys and candles, and some fall themed items because I adopted him in the fall.

This is the third day since his death and my home seems so dark and lonely. Reminiscing and looking at pictures has helped, but it still hurts so badly. Still so worried about the test results.

Again, thank you.

[LittleGirl's...]

{{{Heartbroken}}},

My most heartfelt sympathies to you! I am thinking of you and sweet Smedley tonight. I am going to write more tomorrow (I'm falling asleep right now and so can't quite express what I want to say).

Suffice it to say, for now, that you and Smedley are, and will ALWAYS be together. You are an amazingly rare parent and there should be more like you in this world. You did NOTHING (!!!!!) wrong! I'm just so sorry you are in this pain.

To be continued tomorrow.

Huge hugs of comfort and peace coming your way. Please try and sleep tonight. I understand the pain.

Kathy

[hewasmybestfrien...]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.

I have a strong support network and no one has told me anything other than they had never seen such a bond between a cat and person as he and I had, and that I did my best to take care of him. I still don't believe them about the second part of that...but I'm trying.

I've attached a picture of Smedley. He was the most beautiful cat. Why did he have to leave me?

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