Heartbroken, And Scared To Death It Was My Fault Options

[hewasmybestfrien...]

I lost my cat unexpectedly on New Year's Day and I am in so much pain, and still in shock. He was only ten and a half and I only had him for four years. He was my best friend, my life revolved around him. I'm struggling with intense guilt/remorse as he had a sudden breathing problem two days prior, I took him to the vet immediately and he got a medication, and then two days later - gone. I will never forget how it felt to come home from work, open the covers (he loved to sleep in my bed) and find him dead. Every time it comes back into my mind I feel stabbed in the heart. I had an autopsy done and they couldn't find the cause of death and so i had lab samples sent out, I find out tuesday if they show anything. i may, despite how much i loved him, not have been able to tell that he was ill until it was too late.

What hurts the most is that he didn't have the chance to get old, it just feels so WRONG, like this wasn't supposed to happen. Every so often the flashback of discovering his lifeless body, of realizing he was dead, hits me again and it is hellish.

I never took him for granted, I always played when he wanted to, bought him the best food and treats, I kissed him a hundred times a day and had two dozen names for him, he slept next to me every night, he followed me literally everywhere and I know that he loved me too. And yet I couldn't see that something was wrong. He had had some strange wheezing periodically for several months, I thought it was "reverse sneezing" and nothing to worry about. Now I wonder if it was a sign that I should have paid attention to. I can never forgive myself. Even though the autopsy showed his lungs were normal. The only possibly abnormal thing she found was a possible thickening in his heart and his pancreas looked somewhat strange. He had had irritation in his larynx and that's why the vet had given him a medication. He was too stiff for her to cut open higher and check his larynx area. But he was found in a sleeping position, with no signs of struggle.

The house is so quiet now. He was so beautiful and loving, he was so perfect for me. It seemed as if he was made for me. He had so many sweet quirks - he loved being warm and sleeping in the bed. In the mornings, he would get up when i did, i would make coffee while he ate his breakfast, and then we would sit in front of the heater together. He loved it blasting in his face! he loved sleeping with his head in or resting on my hands, and he loved to chew on my ear while purring, to roll on tissue paper, to sit at the window and cackle at birds. He had a unique purr - it had a high pitched vocal component to it. And so many other things. When I came home even from being gone one night, he "lectured" me with special meows and stayed extra close to me. Seeing his things - his dishes, his special castle-shaped scratcher, his toys shaped like desserts and birds, his litter box - it's excruciating. He was an orange tabby and was so orange, even his nose was orange, and he had a pigmented "freckle" in one of his green eyes. Riding in the car holding his body on the way to the vet is when my tears fell on his fur for the last time, and it made me think of all the other times I had been sad and lonely and he had comforted me. I hated being away from him for even a night. I've never had a connection to any other living creature like I did with him and it has been ripped from me out of the blue. I've struggled for many years with anxiety and more recently, depression, and now something truly horrendous has happened. And he was always there for me, he never judged me. And now when I feel the worst, he isn't there, which is truly horrible. How am I supposed to go on? Knowing that his fur will slowly disappear from my clothes and the house. His smell will go away. The rest of his food remains uneaten. I was supposed to find a new apartment soon, and I thought of how lovely it would be to come home to him in our very first new apartment together. Now it will never happen. I am so heartbroken. He's not here to take care of, so I have no reason to get up.

I'm scared to death that somehow this is my fault. I'm so scared to hear the lab results. Everyone is telling me this isn't my fault and there's nothing I could have done.. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was supposed to get old. He deserved to get old.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Heartbroken, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing a companion unexpectedly intensifies the grief.

Hearbroken, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time which is why it is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. One of the emotions we all struggle with is guilt / remorse because this comes from looking back when we are so emotionally vulnerable at a time when our hearts are engulfed with the deepest sorrow and trying to reconcile all the things that didn't quite make sense at the time they were happening.

I can imagine your shock when you arrived home to find that your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit had transitioned home to the angels. Hopefully in time you will be able to find comfort in knowing that his transition journey happened in a place he loves the most: his home surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells he cherished during his earthly journey with you.

As with human medicine unfortunately autopsies sometimes raise more questions than provide answers. I hope the results of the lab tests will offer both you and your veterinary care provider some insights as to what happened, and hopefully will bring some peace and affirmation to your heart that you did everything in your human and humane power to give him a happy, healthy earthly journey.

I can so relate to your feelings of both your beloved companion and you being "cheated" out of a long earthly journey together. Throughout my life I too have experienced the sorrow of losing companions at very early tender ages, and it is heartbreaking - - even when we know they have an illness that is in its final stages.

Our companions have inherited a genetic trait from their wild cousins when it comes to disguising how they are feeling physically. Because of this genetic trait, our companions do everything in their power to hide the early signs of illness / injury until they can no longer do it. Unfortunately this is of little help to us as their human guardians and veterinary care providers. Sometimes, as with human medicine, our veterinary care providers can prescribe medicines and / or perform medical procedures that will restore a good quality of life for our companions. And sometimes, sadly, there comes a time when there is nothing left in the veterinary medical arsenal except offering compassionate assistance to ease our precious companion's journey home to the angels.

Although you are now faced with the most painful task of re-inventing your life that no longer includes the physical presence of your beloved companion there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved companion share. Love is eternal, Heartbroken - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as he always has and always will for he is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - he is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are engulfed in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Hearbroken, thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us. Perhaps sometime you will feel like sharing a picture of him with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Heartbroken, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam