The End To A Long Story Options

[Earl A.]

I wrote this site back in May 2005, after I lost my beloved Weimaraner 'Schatszie'. I lived alone then at 50, as I still do now, and still have a small business operation from my home. At ten years old Schatszie started having Liver issues, which then turned into kidney problems. Two days before I had the Vet put Schatszie to sleep, she had a major siezure.After rushing her to the Vet for treatment, she was revived but couldn't walk. It was a gut wrenching experience, but I got two more days with her, so that I could look her in the eyes to tell her I loved Her before she passed. After Schatszie passed, I swore I just couldn't get another friend, but after ~8 months, I woke up one day and decided to search for another Weim Puppy, which turned out to be dead ends every where I searched......no new or expected litters anywhere. Then, I got a lead, that a Very Reputable Weim Breeder here in Texas just had a litter and there were two pups remaing, unspoken for, and one was a female! I was so damn excited,......My pitiful loneliness would now be gone. After arriving at the breeder's home, I observed some of her other weims in her kennel. Something didn't seem right with their looks, as per what most standard Weims that I have had look like. We then proceeded to see my new puppy, 'Steffie'. We took her outside to let her run with another male adult dog, and I was sold......she had a feisty way about her,....not a quitter to the very end, as she kept trying to take the cloth toy from the other dog's mouth. 'Steffie' was a very healthy looking puppy. The first two years I had her, there were zero health issues. But when she was ~3 years old, she got a lower respiratory infection, contributed mostly by the exteme pine tree pollen in the air here in the spring. Well, the Vet got that corrected, but there would be another flareup of this respiratory problem later, got it fixed, then never had anymore issues of such. Then when she was ~3.5 years, she developed some small circular lesions on both eyes, and after tests were run, they found that her triglyceride levels were very high. The Vet or Tx A&M Vet Clinic could never pinpoint the cause of the high Triglycerides, and I had to start her on expensive prescription 'Low Digestive Fat' food, plus a precribed medication given daily the rest of her life. When Steffie was almost 6 years, one day I was going to give her some of my banana, but she looked the other way, as if her sight/hearing was malfunctioning. Prior to this, she showed no signs of any health issues. Being an emergency, I rushed her to Tx A&M Vet Clinic. After IV's and many, many tests, she regained her sight, etc., and then they gave me the bad news, that they found a UTI(I hadn't observed anything in her actions telling me of this), and that she was technically loosing protein in her urine. They then told me that it was Chronic Kidney Failure and it would shorten her life by months or years. My first thought upon hearing this.....This can't be! Steffie is my new life, my salvation! This simply can't be happening! That was the longest drive home that day I've ever made. I had to return to A&M for followup visits so that they could get the new dosages correct on her medications that she would have to take the rest of her life. I had the Vet put Steffie to sleep this November 17. Steffie survived this insidious disease for 3.5 years, having given her one medication three times per day, four other medications twice per day, then her vitamins. Steffie got so tired of taking pills, not to mention I had to administer them down her throat or mixing them in baby food fruit products with a 60ml syringe......twice/day for 3.5 years. In early October of this year, she started loosing weight, muscle. I knew the end was near, and all the rescue drugs were now not working.....she was entering the fourth stage of kidney failure. Yes, I had the Vet give IV's as well as I at home, as I witnessed seemingly daily the unbelievable weight loss. Her poor body was dwindling to nothing. At ~8 days prior to her passing, she developed a secondary infection in her upper respiratory, mainly in her throat, whereby there was green mucous emitting from her nostrils and somewhat at her eyes. The Vet put her on antibiotics, and at times, one would think that it kept the infection in check, but in the end it came back. In the last 48 hours of Steffie's life, I was in contact with my Vet, letting her lead the way as per when the time was right. Hours before the Vet came to my house, Steffie had lost the use of her legs, and I had to carry her outside to urinate, etc..

I'm writing this lengthy story for a reason. I want all those poor souls that have or are presently going through this, that 'I Understand'. I understand 1000%. No one else but your Vet will understand. You can't talk to anyone about it, unless they have BEEN THERE. I also wrote this lengthy story for those that live alone with such happening to them. Living alone and loosing your Best Friend is another world in itself.

A month later I find myself lost,.....Nothing has meaning or purpose anymore,....I'm not needed anymore. Yes, I'm fully aware that only time can heal such wounds, but this was a very deep wound this time, regardless of how many times I've previously gone through having your Best Friend put to sleep. But, then, I try to grasp ahold of the positives,.....Steffie lived another 3.5 years, my Father helped me through the financial strain of ~$8,000.00+ I spent in 7 years keeping Steffie Healthy/Alive,.......I was with Steffie 24/7,.....BUT, in the end, I realize how lucky I am to be able to bury her here on my property, and place a headstone on her grave.

In closing, Chronic Kidney Failure is absolutely an insidious disease that wears many hats. The desperate things you do towards the end, thinking you can buy time, etc., but knowing the clock is ticking so damn loud you become desperate, you'll do anything but sit there and let your Best Friend die. Looking back, I'm at peace knowing I was able to hold my Benevolent, Sweet Steffie, and look her in the eyes....."I Love You Steffie".

[SummerHolly]

Yep, the whole bad things happen in threes was blown out the water for me in 2014, things seemed to go from bad to worse with no end in sight

Yes I loved Holly more than anything else and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed a little tear for her and want her back. However I am by nature a fairly resilient person. You have to be out here, hammered year after year with droughts as the climate change takes hold. Although I got a taste of what depression might be like as I felt my heart and soul disappearing with Holly with no way to change what happened.

This site is wonderful for being able to share you thoughts because everyone is going through their own journey and there is only support.

Yes it is a personal journey that only you can make. I find it helpful to read other people's stories. I think I have read most of them on this site and the poems that people have written to express how they feel. I don't know why but it actually helps me. I have also started to think about all the positive things in my life with Holly and feel blessed I could give such a gentle loving soul a reason to completely trust me which she did.

Yes watching your parents age sucks big time. I dread the day I lose my mother. Alz is a terrible disease, I can think of nothing worse to watch a person go through this. At least here you can keep airing how you feel if you need to.

[Earl A.]

Yep, the whole bad things happen in threes was blown out the water for me in 2014, things seemed to go from bad to worse with no end in sight

Yes I loved Holly more than anything else and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't shed a little tear for her and want her back. However I am by nature a fairly resilient person. You have to be out here, hammered year after year with droughts as the climate change takes hold. Although I got a taste of what depression might be like as I felt my heart and soul disappearing with Holly with no way to change what happened.

This site is wonderful for being able to share you thoughts because everyone is going through their own journey and there is only support.

Yes it is a personal journey that only you can make. I find it helpful to read other people's stories. I think I have read most of them on this site and the poems that people have written to express how they feel. I don't know why but it actually helps me. I have also started to think about all the positive things in my life with Holly and feel blessed I could give such a gentle loving soul a reason to completely trust me which she did.

Yes watching your parents age sucks big time. I dread the day I lose my mother. Alz is a terrible disease, I can think of nothing worse to watch a person go through this. At least here you can keep airing how you feel if you need to.

I sure am happy for you that you are making some technical headway SummerHolly. I guess each individual keeps searching that massive ring of keys in hopes of finding at least one that unlocks some relief. Like you, I've tried to concentrate on the good times but it defaults back to 'She's Not Here'. Like you, my mornings are absolutely the worst. Steffie slept with me in my bed, her head next to mine with her own pillow. The past couple of days I've tried to concentrate on Steffie's 'Visit'/Dream, with her big smile and her tail wagging. It seems to help, but, then I go outside and every damn thing I see or do just drags me back to square one.

I don't know where you are located, but it sounds like with the droughts, farm activities, etc., etc., that this is helping you also. I'm sure everyday is a different and new day for you. This site was helpful to me back in 2005 and here I am back again. Its nice to know you among friends that have been there or are going through it. The prognosis isn't good when you can't talk about it.

I never told you about my horse 'Victor'. When my Sister and I were young, my Father bought a mare('Ginger')(became my Sister's horse) then bred her and then 'Victor'. I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat. I will tell you the story at a later time. What happened to Victor forever impacted me when loosing our pets.

I will chat later, but I'm again, glad you are doing better. Its nice to know when something works as such.

Whats so strange about this process we are going through, I personally have a guilt conscience whenever I prepare my meals. There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it.

Yes, make no mistake about it, Holy, Steffie, Schatszie and all of our beloved friends were literally attached to us. We lead them and they lead us.

Regards,

Earl

[SummerHolly]

I sure am happy for you that you are making some technical headway SummerHolly. I guess each individual keeps searching that massive ring of keys in hopes of finding at least one that unlocks some relief. Like you, I've tried to concentrate on the good times but it defaults back to 'She's Not Here'. Like you, my mornings are absolutely the worst. Steffie slept with me in my bed, her head next to mine with her own pillow. The past couple of days I've tried to concentrate on Steffie's 'Visit'/Dream, with her big smile and her tail wagging. It seems to help, but, then I go outside and every damn thing I see or do just drags me back to square one.

I don't know where you are located, but it sounds like with the droughts, farm activities, etc., etc., that this is helping you also. I'm sure everyday is a different and new day for you. This site was helpful to me back in 2005 and here I am back again. Its nice to know you among friends that have been there or are going through it. The prognosis isn't good when you can't talk about it.

I never told you about my horse 'Victor'. When my Sister and I were young, my Father bought a mare('Ginger')(became my Sister's horse) then bred her and then 'Victor'. I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat. I will tell you the story at a later time. What happened to Victor forever impacted me when loosing our pets.

I will chat later, but I'm again, glad you are doing better. Its nice to know when something works as such.

Whats so strange about this process we are going through, I personally have a guilt conscience whenever I prepare my meals. There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it.

Yes, make no mistake about it, Holy, Steffie, Schatszie and all of our beloved friends were literally attached to us. We lead them and they lead us.

Regards,

Earl

Yes for a long time Holly slept on one side of my bed. I had to cut the legs off when she had cruciate surgery so she wouldn't hurt herself getting on.

She always rode in the front seat of my car with me round the farm while the others were in the back. I must say I lost a lot of interest in doing things after she was gone but with sheep to feed and other dogs to take care of and outside part time work I had to keep going although my heart was very heavy. People at work were quite good as they know I live for my dogs and they coped with the odd tear or two in the early days.

Yes a lot of ones daily activities holds such strong imprints of our beloved dogs that it can set you right back. Everything I do holds echoes of my Holly as does Steffie for you. She was my best friend, I don't think anyone knew me better than my dog. They also accept you unconditionally for who you are and you are their world.

So many memories of them are so etched in out life, I often feel guilty about all sorts of things. I know for me things will get better but it is hard work. My other dogs give me comfort but also remind me of what I have lost. However I don't think I could exist out here without dogs in my life. I have resigned myself to dealing with each of their loss as part of the joy they give me from their being in my life. I know I will have to go through this at least 6 more times and some will hurt more than others but they will all be hard.

Sounds like you must have had a very traumatic experience with Victor. I know it doesn't help much but that dream you had of Steffie was a gift. Maybe a gift from her to help ease the pain. I think our dogs would like to see us happy. I do hope you are able to find a way forward to find some peace from all this. I am struggling but I know I will get there in the end. I hope the same for you.