The End To A Long Story Options

[Earl A.]

I wrote this site back in May 2005, after I lost my beloved Weimaraner 'Schatszie'. I lived alone then at 50, as I still do now, and still have a small business operation from my home. At ten years old Schatszie started having Liver issues, which then turned into kidney problems. Two days before I had the Vet put Schatszie to sleep, she had a major siezure.After rushing her to the Vet for treatment, she was revived but couldn't walk. It was a gut wrenching experience, but I got two more days with her, so that I could look her in the eyes to tell her I loved Her before she passed. After Schatszie passed, I swore I just couldn't get another friend, but after ~8 months, I woke up one day and decided to search for another Weim Puppy, which turned out to be dead ends every where I searched......no new or expected litters anywhere. Then, I got a lead, that a Very Reputable Weim Breeder here in Texas just had a litter and there were two pups remaing, unspoken for, and one was a female! I was so damn excited,......My pitiful loneliness would now be gone. After arriving at the breeder's home, I observed some of her other weims in her kennel. Something didn't seem right with their looks, as per what most standard Weims that I have had look like. We then proceeded to see my new puppy, 'Steffie'. We took her outside to let her run with another male adult dog, and I was sold......she had a feisty way about her,....not a quitter to the very end, as she kept trying to take the cloth toy from the other dog's mouth. 'Steffie' was a very healthy looking puppy. The first two years I had her, there were zero health issues. But when she was ~3 years old, she got a lower respiratory infection, contributed mostly by the exteme pine tree pollen in the air here in the spring. Well, the Vet got that corrected, but there would be another flareup of this respiratory problem later, got it fixed, then never had anymore issues of such. Then when she was ~3.5 years, she developed some small circular lesions on both eyes, and after tests were run, they found that her triglyceride levels were very high. The Vet or Tx A&M Vet Clinic could never pinpoint the cause of the high Triglycerides, and I had to start her on expensive prescription 'Low Digestive Fat' food, plus a precribed medication given daily the rest of her life. When Steffie was almost 6 years, one day I was going to give her some of my banana, but she looked the other way, as if her sight/hearing was malfunctioning. Prior to this, she showed no signs of any health issues. Being an emergency, I rushed her to Tx A&M Vet Clinic. After IV's and many, many tests, she regained her sight, etc., and then they gave me the bad news, that they found a UTI(I hadn't observed anything in her actions telling me of this), and that she was technically loosing protein in her urine. They then told me that it was Chronic Kidney Failure and it would shorten her life by months or years. My first thought upon hearing this.....This can't be! Steffie is my new life, my salvation! This simply can't be happening! That was the longest drive home that day I've ever made. I had to return to A&M for followup visits so that they could get the new dosages correct on her medications that she would have to take the rest of her life. I had the Vet put Steffie to sleep this November 17. Steffie survived this insidious disease for 3.5 years, having given her one medication three times per day, four other medications twice per day, then her vitamins. Steffie got so tired of taking pills, not to mention I had to administer them down her throat or mixing them in baby food fruit products with a 60ml syringe......twice/day for 3.5 years. In early October of this year, she started loosing weight, muscle. I knew the end was near, and all the rescue drugs were now not working.....she was entering the fourth stage of kidney failure. Yes, I had the Vet give IV's as well as I at home, as I witnessed seemingly daily the unbelievable weight loss. Her poor body was dwindling to nothing. At ~8 days prior to her passing, she developed a secondary infection in her upper respiratory, mainly in her throat, whereby there was green mucous emitting from her nostrils and somewhat at her eyes. The Vet put her on antibiotics, and at times, one would think that it kept the infection in check, but in the end it came back. In the last 48 hours of Steffie's life, I was in contact with my Vet, letting her lead the way as per when the time was right. Hours before the Vet came to my house, Steffie had lost the use of her legs, and I had to carry her outside to urinate, etc..

I'm writing this lengthy story for a reason. I want all those poor souls that have or are presently going through this, that 'I Understand'. I understand 1000%. No one else but your Vet will understand. You can't talk to anyone about it, unless they have BEEN THERE. I also wrote this lengthy story for those that live alone with such happening to them. Living alone and loosing your Best Friend is another world in itself.

A month later I find myself lost,.....Nothing has meaning or purpose anymore,....I'm not needed anymore. Yes, I'm fully aware that only time can heal such wounds, but this was a very deep wound this time, regardless of how many times I've previously gone through having your Best Friend put to sleep. But, then, I try to grasp ahold of the positives,.....Steffie lived another 3.5 years, my Father helped me through the financial strain of ~$8,000.00+ I spent in 7 years keeping Steffie Healthy/Alive,.......I was with Steffie 24/7,.....BUT, in the end, I realize how lucky I am to be able to bury her here on my property, and place a headstone on her grave.

In closing, Chronic Kidney Failure is absolutely an insidious disease that wears many hats. The desperate things you do towards the end, thinking you can buy time, etc., but knowing the clock is ticking so damn loud you become desperate, you'll do anything but sit there and let your Best Friend die. Looking back, I'm at peace knowing I was able to hold my Benevolent, Sweet Steffie, and look her in the eyes....."I Love You Steffie".

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this deep grief journey when you share with us: "There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it." When we are in very deep grief, we go into what I call "automatic pilot" - - chores get done, bills get paid, jobs are done, errands are done, etc. - - but it is without "feeling" a part of the activity. It's like we are functioning on "remote control." Also, when we are in deep grief, our minds and bodies literally go into survival mode to cope with the stress of grieving - - which produces physical symptoms of lack of appetite, lack of concentration, lack of energy / enthusiasm, etc.. This is one of the many reasons why it is important to keep the stress levels as minimal as possible and to not make any life changing decisions until the stress of grieving hs eased - - unless the decisions are vital for survival / protection, etc..

I can also relate to what you share with us: "I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat." It was only until this past summer when I was able to donate several items to a local no kill shelter that belonged to several of my companions who have been with the angels for several years now - - things that could indeed help make another companion's life easier. I still have other items that I will never part with during the remainder of my earthly journey. Because we are still in the physical realm of this side of eternity we need the tangible things that we can see and touch that can keep alive the memories we share with our beloved companions who are with the angels.

I perfectly understand how the physical loss of your beloved Victor impacted your responses to the future losses of your beloved companions, Earl. I still remember the day my little "brother" kitty companion William Ferocious transitioned home to the angels, and why. I was a very young child and even then I felt like a part of me had gone with him. Willie had a brave spirit - - hence his middle name "Ferocious" - - for nothing dissuaded his curiosity - - and was always gentle with me. Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it. It was not until my early adult years that my mom began to understand how much I hurt from that and how much it had affected me, and she grieved with me when my feline companion who had shared my teenage years went home to the angels. Even though our society still struggles with acknowledging the grief felt for a beloved companion, fortunately now clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion does form the process of how a person copes with losses in the future.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is a very normal part of this deep grief journey when you share with us: "There is absolutely nothing exciting about 'eating' anymore. Then when I eat, its like I'm forcing the food down not enjoying each and every bite. Everything(work, projects around here) you have to force yourself to start it, let alone finish it." When we are in very deep grief, we go into what I call "automatic pilot" - - chores get done, bills get paid, jobs are done, errands are done, etc. - - but it is without "feeling" a part of the activity. It's like we are functioning on "remote control." Also, when we are in deep grief, our minds and bodies literally go into survival mode to cope with the stress of grieving - - which produces physical symptoms of lack of appetite, lack of concentration, lack of energy / enthusiasm, etc.. This is one of the many reasons why it is important to keep the stress levels as minimal as possible and to not make any life changing decisions until the stress of grieving hs eased - - unless the decisions are vital for survival / protection, etc..

I can also relate to what you share with us: "I still have my/his saddle in my closet. His name was tooled into the top back edge of seat." It was only until this past summer when I was able to donate several items to a local no kill shelter that belonged to several of my companions who have been with the angels for several years now - - things that could indeed help make another companion's life easier. I still have other items that I will never part with during the remainder of my earthly journey. Because we are still in the physical realm of this side of eternity we need the tangible things that we can see and touch that can keep alive the memories we share with our beloved companions who are with the angels.

I perfectly understand how the physical loss of your beloved Victor impacted your responses to the future losses of your beloved companions, Earl. I still remember the day my little "brother" kitty companion William Ferocious transitioned home to the angels, and why. I was a very young child and even then I felt like a part of me had gone with him. Willie had a brave spirit - - hence his middle name "Ferocious" - - for nothing dissuaded his curiosity - - and was always gentle with me. Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it. It was not until my early adult years that my mom began to understand how much I hurt from that and how much it had affected me, and she grieved with me when my feline companion who had shared my teenage years went home to the angels. Even though our society still struggles with acknowledging the grief felt for a beloved companion, fortunately now clinical professionals recognize that the physical loss of a beloved companion does form the process of how a person copes with losses in the future.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's, and all of your beloved companions', sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_Beam, "Unfortunately there was no such thing as grieving for the loss of a beloved companion, so I was alone in my grief, and no patience for it".......Yes are so right about this and I got to thinking back when I was young and all the funerals I attended on my Mother's Mother family. It was a large family. I NEVER saw anyone crying, never. As per myself growing up, when we lost a pet companion, we were not to grieve. Then when I lost Schatszie, my Mother made a comment to me that "I was being Morbid". Her comment hurt, hurt really bad, as if I was to move on. I believe I've even spoke of my Sister how she reacts when loosing a companion,....'I've NEVER seen her cry'. I must be like my Father's Father. He always buried his dogs in a wooden box and put a toomstone on their grave. I think he was a magician in hiding his emotions, for I know he always took it hard.

But it is so true that years ago, you didn't or you weren't allowed to grieve, especially after loosing your Pet Companion.

Moon_Beam, I didn't really feel like writing the full story about 'Victor' today, but I will in the next day or so. After reading it, I think you'll understand my inability to handle death like most and/or my 'morbidity', then not wanting to go through this again. I think that a human can sustain just so many major wounds. I admire your 'Old School' abilities to move forward, which were inherited from your generation. Without your generation for leadership, there really is no hope left for this country. As per my generation(60 yrs old), from what I see, there are only a few of us benevolent stagglers left.

It was good to hear from you, for, when I didn't hear from you yesterday, I thought something might have happened to you and Noah.

Hope you and Noah have a peaceful evening at home.

Regards,

Earl