The End To A Long Story Options

[Earl A.]

I wrote this site back in May 2005, after I lost my beloved Weimaraner 'Schatszie'. I lived alone then at 50, as I still do now, and still have a small business operation from my home. At ten years old Schatszie started having Liver issues, which then turned into kidney problems. Two days before I had the Vet put Schatszie to sleep, she had a major siezure.After rushing her to the Vet for treatment, she was revived but couldn't walk. It was a gut wrenching experience, but I got two more days with her, so that I could look her in the eyes to tell her I loved Her before she passed. After Schatszie passed, I swore I just couldn't get another friend, but after ~8 months, I woke up one day and decided to search for another Weim Puppy, which turned out to be dead ends every where I searched......no new or expected litters anywhere. Then, I got a lead, that a Very Reputable Weim Breeder here in Texas just had a litter and there were two pups remaing, unspoken for, and one was a female! I was so damn excited,......My pitiful loneliness would now be gone. After arriving at the breeder's home, I observed some of her other weims in her kennel. Something didn't seem right with their looks, as per what most standard Weims that I have had look like. We then proceeded to see my new puppy, 'Steffie'. We took her outside to let her run with another male adult dog, and I was sold......she had a feisty way about her,....not a quitter to the very end, as she kept trying to take the cloth toy from the other dog's mouth. 'Steffie' was a very healthy looking puppy. The first two years I had her, there were zero health issues. But when she was ~3 years old, she got a lower respiratory infection, contributed mostly by the exteme pine tree pollen in the air here in the spring. Well, the Vet got that corrected, but there would be another flareup of this respiratory problem later, got it fixed, then never had anymore issues of such. Then when she was ~3.5 years, she developed some small circular lesions on both eyes, and after tests were run, they found that her triglyceride levels were very high. The Vet or Tx A&M Vet Clinic could never pinpoint the cause of the high Triglycerides, and I had to start her on expensive prescription 'Low Digestive Fat' food, plus a precribed medication given daily the rest of her life. When Steffie was almost 6 years, one day I was going to give her some of my banana, but she looked the other way, as if her sight/hearing was malfunctioning. Prior to this, she showed no signs of any health issues. Being an emergency, I rushed her to Tx A&M Vet Clinic. After IV's and many, many tests, she regained her sight, etc., and then they gave me the bad news, that they found a UTI(I hadn't observed anything in her actions telling me of this), and that she was technically loosing protein in her urine. They then told me that it was Chronic Kidney Failure and it would shorten her life by months or years. My first thought upon hearing this.....This can't be! Steffie is my new life, my salvation! This simply can't be happening! That was the longest drive home that day I've ever made. I had to return to A&M for followup visits so that they could get the new dosages correct on her medications that she would have to take the rest of her life. I had the Vet put Steffie to sleep this November 17. Steffie survived this insidious disease for 3.5 years, having given her one medication three times per day, four other medications twice per day, then her vitamins. Steffie got so tired of taking pills, not to mention I had to administer them down her throat or mixing them in baby food fruit products with a 60ml syringe......twice/day for 3.5 years. In early October of this year, she started loosing weight, muscle. I knew the end was near, and all the rescue drugs were now not working.....she was entering the fourth stage of kidney failure. Yes, I had the Vet give IV's as well as I at home, as I witnessed seemingly daily the unbelievable weight loss. Her poor body was dwindling to nothing. At ~8 days prior to her passing, she developed a secondary infection in her upper respiratory, mainly in her throat, whereby there was green mucous emitting from her nostrils and somewhat at her eyes. The Vet put her on antibiotics, and at times, one would think that it kept the infection in check, but in the end it came back. In the last 48 hours of Steffie's life, I was in contact with my Vet, letting her lead the way as per when the time was right. Hours before the Vet came to my house, Steffie had lost the use of her legs, and I had to carry her outside to urinate, etc..

I'm writing this lengthy story for a reason. I want all those poor souls that have or are presently going through this, that 'I Understand'. I understand 1000%. No one else but your Vet will understand. You can't talk to anyone about it, unless they have BEEN THERE. I also wrote this lengthy story for those that live alone with such happening to them. Living alone and loosing your Best Friend is another world in itself.

A month later I find myself lost,.....Nothing has meaning or purpose anymore,....I'm not needed anymore. Yes, I'm fully aware that only time can heal such wounds, but this was a very deep wound this time, regardless of how many times I've previously gone through having your Best Friend put to sleep. But, then, I try to grasp ahold of the positives,.....Steffie lived another 3.5 years, my Father helped me through the financial strain of ~$8,000.00+ I spent in 7 years keeping Steffie Healthy/Alive,.......I was with Steffie 24/7,.....BUT, in the end, I realize how lucky I am to be able to bury her here on my property, and place a headstone on her grave.

In closing, Chronic Kidney Failure is absolutely an insidious disease that wears many hats. The desperate things you do towards the end, thinking you can buy time, etc., but knowing the clock is ticking so damn loud you become desperate, you'll do anything but sit there and let your Best Friend die. Looking back, I'm at peace knowing I was able to hold my Benevolent, Sweet Steffie, and look her in the eyes....."I Love You Steffie".

[moon_beam]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. From my personal experiences with losses, I have come to realize that this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - instead of one of "moving forward / moving on" - - for these words imply "putting behind / forgetting / letting go" of our beloved companions - - and this is just not possible for they are always and forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I was totally devastated when my number one kitty son Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma. He had come through so much in his life needing the benefit of Valium for the feline version of Severe Personality Disorder / Schizophrenia. Yes, even our companions can be subject to mental health disorders. When he had an episode even the physical bone structure in his face changed to distortion. With the Valium he was able to live a reasonably healthy and happy life. When he was 3 three years old Noah and his beautiful baby sibling sister joined our home, and Noah and Eli bonded immediately. For the next 3 years Eli blossomed into the happiest best big kitty brother Noah could have ever had. And Noah simply adored his big adopted kitty brother. When Eli joined the angels, my precious Noah deeply grieved for Eli, as did I, but I also grieved for Noah who had a very difficult time adjusting to Eli's physical absence. The good news was that he and his baby sister were also inseparable, and he continued his role as caregiver for her. And then 3.5 years later he became the sole survivor, and that was another huge adjustment for the both of us.

You ask a universal question: "How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating!" There is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Eventually, hopefully, there comes a time when the deep grief eases and we are able to think of our beloved companions with a happy heart. But even now in my senior years as I recall my beloved companions with whom I have been blessed to share their earthly journey many years ago there are times when a mist still comes to my eyes and an ache to my heart to hold them "just one more time." But these moments of sadness are short-lived for I now feel the warmth of our memories, and am comforted greatly as I realize that each of them who are now with the angels are restored to their former youthfulness - - no more pain, no more suffering of their former physical bodies to endure.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Earl A.]

Hi, Earl, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. From my personal experiences with losses, I have come to realize that this grief journey is one of "adjustment" to the physical absence of our beloved companions - - instead of one of "moving forward / moving on" - - for these words imply "putting behind / forgetting / letting go" of our beloved companions - - and this is just not possible for they are always and forever a part of our hearts and memories - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to us.

I was totally devastated when my number one kitty son Eli was diagnosed with end stage Lymphoma. He had come through so much in his life needing the benefit of Valium for the feline version of Severe Personality Disorder / Schizophrenia. Yes, even our companions can be subject to mental health disorders. When he had an episode even the physical bone structure in his face changed to distortion. With the Valium he was able to live a reasonably healthy and happy life. When he was 3 three years old Noah and his beautiful baby sibling sister joined our home, and Noah and Eli bonded immediately. For the next 3 years Eli blossomed into the happiest best big kitty brother Noah could have ever had. And Noah simply adored his big adopted kitty brother. When Eli joined the angels, my precious Noah deeply grieved for Eli, as did I, but I also grieved for Noah who had a very difficult time adjusting to Eli's physical absence. The good news was that he and his baby sister were also inseparable, and he continued his role as caregiver for her. And then 3.5 years later he became the sole survivor, and that was another huge adjustment for the both of us.

You ask a universal question: "How did you finally cope,....find peace, when you lost your friends at a very young age? The pain had to be absolutely devistating!" There is no such thing as "getting over" the physical loss of a loved one - - whoever the life form. Eventually, hopefully, there comes a time when the deep grief eases and we are able to think of our beloved companions with a happy heart. But even now in my senior years as I recall my beloved companions with whom I have been blessed to share their earthly journey many years ago there are times when a mist still comes to my eyes and an ache to my heart to hold them "just one more time." But these moments of sadness are short-lived for I now feel the warmth of our memories, and am comforted greatly as I realize that each of them who are now with the angels are restored to their former youthfulness - - no more pain, no more suffering of their former physical bodies to endure.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, Earl, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it automatically disappear. The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Earl, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Steffie's and Schatzie's sweet Living Spirits to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Hi Moon_Beam, I Thank You for spending some time with me. To be honest with you, I'm down to you and somewhat with my Vet, as to the only ones I can discuss Steffie. My Sister, whom surrounds herself with many animals, is no longer dependable....."I need to move on, It's in the past,...It's Done." Well you know the feeling. Don't think my Sister nor my Parents ever shed a tear when loosing a companion. Yes, they loved and took very good care of them, but, they 'move on', 'let go', they do not believe in grieving. So, yes, if it wasn't for you Moon_Beam, and a text message from my Vet yesterday, I would be on my own. My Vet sent me a text yesterday PM and told me she was praying for me, and to wish me a Merry Christmas & Happy New Year. This made me feel better and created some progress. As you know Moon_Beam, we all want to blame ourselves to a certain degree after the loss, as if we should have done this and that via medical issues. I hate to repeat myself, but being single, with no kids, etc., this 'world' and 'such grief' is unknown by others with wives/kids/etc.(Such as my Sister). They think their grief is equivalent to mine. They have not a clue.

"The only way to get to this point in our grief adjustment journey is one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in our own way and in our own time. And hopefully along the way with finding comfort, support, and encouragement from others who truly do understand what you are going through, and will be with you, for you, and beside you for as long and as often as you need them." Yes, you are so right Moon_Beam, especially,...."in our own way and in our own time".

At the Post Office today, the clerk asked me how my Christmas was. They know me well, as do most around here, because Steffie was with me everywhere I went/drove. I haven't told her or the Bank Drive-Thru Tellers, etc., about Steffie. The tellers still send out milk bones thinking Steffie is in the car. I can't tell them Moon_Beam because I'll break out in tears. For whatever reason, I went ahead and only told the Post Office Lady that I just spent Christmas Day by myself, Well she asked me about Steffie, and it was all I could do to tell her that I put her to sleep, then I had to politely say my goodbye and exit the lobby before I started crying.

Damn, I move forward 6 or seven steps getting better, then 10 steps backward. As you said, "somtimes one moment at a time". Moon_Beam, I think sometimes if I could only find a hole to crawl into and die. I know time will offer final peace, but you sometimes wonder for how much longer can one sustain this.

I hope you and Noah had a peaceful day yesterday and everyday. I know that everyday that you and Noah are together are golden ones. You have sustained too much pain in your life and I admire your courage to move forward one day at a time. Your words express your nonending wisdom.

Regards,

Earl