Lost My Best Girl Options

[SummerHolly]

I found this site while trying to work through the loss of my dog Holly who I love so much. I have so many feeling lof love, loss, regret and guilt.

Holly was my heart dog, a dog so precious and special to me because of our amazing bond. I have lost loved dogs before and each one hurt a lot. This time it feels worse than ever. It was very unexpected even though she had just turned 14. Her coat was glossy and she had a great appetite and was always ready to come for a short walk with me. I kinda thought we might have another couple of years together.

8 weeks ago I was in an accident that fractured a couple of bones so I was very much concentrating on getting better and trying to run a small farm, so my attention wasnt so much on the dogs. I did notice about 4 weeks ago that Holly seemed to be breathing heavier than normal and perhaps wasnt quite as keen on coming for a walk. Her appetite was great but a couple of times she seemed to choke on her kibble. I looked in her mouth and her teeth are pretty worn and she eats fast, so I decided to wet her kibble and feed a commercial RAW diet with some yoghurt which she loved and there was no more difficulty swallowing.

She seemd to be doing well but I noticed her starting to pant more again so I made a vet appointment on a Friday. Out here a vet is a 2 1/2 hour round trip and the emergency vet is a 6 hour round trip. The vet examined her and said her heart seemed fine and that she probably just had old dog lung problems and gave me a bronchiodilator and suggested I bring her in for an x-ray the next week if they didnt help. She could have done the x-ray that afternoon but I couldnt wait around outside for hours in the heat, because of where I live it is just not a question of me going home and waiting and I still feel guilty about that although the vet has told me that she hadnt seen it as urgent at all.

Well she seemed fine and that afternoon was barking at the other dogs when I was training them and getting her share of eating sausage treats I use. Saturday evening she seemed less keen on her food so I fed her raw steak which she loved. She seemed to be getting worse so I stopped the medication in case she was having a reaction to it. Well Sunday night was one from hell, poor little thing could hardly breathe. I was up all night and no way of getting her to an emergency vet safely because of the vast distance. I have never felt so alone and was the longest night ever.

X-rays at the vet the next day showed a pleural effusion and shadows on her lungs. The vet drained the fluid and I took her home to await test results. The draining had eased her breathing but I was still up all night. The next day she was very calm but had stopped eating or drinking. She wanted to come in the car when I took the other dogs to check the sheep. It was a hot day and her lack of drinking and eating worried me.

I rang a vet friend who is also a specialist and she told me that a pleural effusion in an old dog is never good and was most likely cancer. I booked her in to the vet that day to euthanaise her. The results hadnt come back and the local vet does not do consults after mid day and I couldnt put my Holly through another night struggling to breathe, but we all agreed it was most likely cancer and her lung cavity was starting to fill back up as she was starting to pant. Her colour was poor and she was starting to dehydrate. I couldnt put her through any other intervention just so I could hold her longer so she went to sleep while I held her. I cetainly didnt want her to die overnight at the vets alone in a cage. The vet was great and we had a long discussion before I made the decision and it was so hard but I knew it was the right one. The test came back later and confirmed cancer.

My specialist friend told me it was unlikey I would have picked up the signs early enough to save her as they do very well on 25% of their lung capacity. I just felt so unprepared and I guess I feel some guilt from having had to concentrate on myself after my accident. I wish I could have held her more and spoilt her more. I wish I had had the x-ray done that Friday and waited for a few hours in the heat, I would have if I had known.

We had some great adventures together and she knew how much I loved her and had so much trust in me. All the other times I have been able to take her pain away and get her better. Not this time and boy does that hurt.

I have 4 other young dogs who love my attention but it was Holly I had the extra special relationship with. I am definitely finding it hard to let her go. Each morning I wake up with this knot in stomach. I call her and tell her I love her and always look to her favourite sleeping place. Her eyes would shine like diamonds when I did stuff with her and she used to look at me with such love. She was always the first to greet me when I came home. She has left a chasm in my heart the size of the Grand Canyon.

I think just talking about it on a site like this is helpful. Most people out here wouldnt understand, they have working dogs like I do but have no hesitation shooting them when they get old or cant work.

[moon_beam]

Hi, SummerHolly, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. I'm so glad you are finding comfort with your precious companions. I can so relate when you share with us: "A couple of them in particular have been aware of how I have been feeling and I catch them staring at me thoughtfully from time to time and they will come and lie close to me."

It is very normal for a remaining companion(s) to assume a "role" they haven't previously done when one of their housemates is no longer physically present. I firmly believe your beloved Holly is "mentoring" her siblings to offer you comfort and support that only they can give you, and you, in turn, in offering them comfort and support during their grief journey are also comforted.

My precious companion Noah is my sole surviving companion in a household that used to enjoy the company of four companions - - including Noah. From December 2006 to March 2010 my precious Noah and I released three of our beloved companions from their terminally ill physical bodies. From his very young tender age as a kitten my precious Noah always took on the role as "caregiver" - - first for his beloved beautiful sibling baby sister Abbygayle, and then when he and Abbygayle joined our family, he added his big adopted kitty brother Eli and his big Black Lab doggy brother Oslo to his "caregiver" role. Since March 2010 it is just my precious Noah and me, and each day my precious little boy and I come closer together in heart and spirit. Because of my age and limited retirement financial resources my precious Noah will be my last companion on this side of eternity. He is 11 years old now and I am blessed to still have him with me, as I came so close to losing him in September 2012 and November 2013 to two separate medical emergencies. Thankfully, - - these times - - his veterinary care providers were able to restore him to a good quality of life, but these two incidents so very close together keep me mindful that one day my only choice will be to ease his journey home to the angels. Each day with him now is a blessing I do not take for granted.

Some people fear that if they "bond" with another companion that it will in some way diminish the love they share with their beloved companion. I assure you, SummerHolly, this will not happen. With your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to guide you and your precious companions, I know you and your companions will also find a mutually unique bond in heart and spirit that will belong only to them.

I hope today is treating you kindly, SummerHolly, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Holly's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam