Overwhelmingly Sad And Guilt Ridden, My little Princess is gone Options

[Princess]

Three days ago (August 31) I lost my baby girl, Princess. She was the first dog that my family ever had and the pain and sadness I feel has been worse than I could have ever imagined. 9 years ago, I brought Princess home when I was 16 years old and although reluctant, my parents and my sister immediately fell in love with her and ever since, she has been another member of the family. I recently moved from Texas to NYC because of work and left my baby girl at home with my parents. My father is retired so they had both been used to spending their days together. My mother called me recently and told me that Princess had been sick for about three weeks. She told me that the vets initially thought it was cancer, but they then ruled it out because they couldn't find a source. Princess had stopped eating and my mother was trying to do everything to get her to eat, including hand feeding her high calorie dog food to try to get her weight back up. After several visits with a couple of different specialists, the test results showed that Princess had pneumonia. My mother told me that she was on antibiotics. As it turned out, I had a trip scheduled back to Texas in a couple of days so although I was scared, I felt good knowing that I was on my way to see my baby girl.

When I got to my parents house and saw Princess, I immediately broke down in tears. Her little pot belly was gone and she was just so small and bony from all of the weight she had lost. Her breathing was very heavy and it was so hard for me to see her like that. My mother, my father, my boyfriend, and I all sat in the backyard with her. My father even talked about how she was looking better today - that her ears were perked up for the first time in awhile and that he thought she was going to get better.

I held my baby girl and looked right at her and told her how much I loved her. I kissed her again and again. After a few minutes, she stood up and I could tell she wanted down so I set her on the ground and she made her way to the grass. She was lying the in sunlight and in that moment, she must have felt at peace to let go. When her breathing started slowing to a stop, I was in complete shock and panic. My mother held her and I ran inside because, at the time, I could not bare to accept what was happening and I guess I felt that if I wan't watching then maybe it wasn't real. I heard my mother say "she's gone" and I just fell to the floor.

That was truly the hardest day of my life and now that it's over all I can feel is extreme sadness and horrible guilt. I know that my baby literally held on and waited for me to come to her before feeling at peace to let go and I really think that is just so incredible, but I can not stop replaying the whole horrible scene out over and over again in my head. I can't help but feel so much guilt, especially with the "what if s" that keep popping up. What if it was my fault? - that my parents had been so strong and I was so weak when I first saw her - what if she gave up after she saw me because I couldn't be strong enough for her? What if I would have been able to be home for her sooner? Or worse - what if I had been a few hours late?.. What if she held on just a few more days? Would the antibiotics have started working? Did I abandon her because I wasn't there physically in her last seconds?

Each day is so hard and all I can do is cry and cry. I am trying so hard to be ok and to think about all of the love we gave her and she gave us and to think of all of the happy times, but it still makes me sad, especially when those last few minutes keep playing out in my head like a broken record. I knew Princess was sick, but her passing was unexpected to our whole family. This is my first time to ever experience anything like this and I really don't know what to do. I just feel so sad.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Princess' Mom, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved Princess. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. I know it is little comfort to you right now, but I hope in time you will come to find a peace in your heart that your beloved Princess transitioned home to the angels in the place she loves the most surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells of her Forever Home, and wrapped in the enduring eternal love of her human Forever Family.

Our forum friend Monique has offered much comfort in her response to you that is also similar to the comfort I share with you, so please read her response often and know that it also reflects the comfort, support, and encouragement I hold for you in my heart.

There are couple of things I would like to share with you in my own words. The first is that I would like to try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief - - very painful both emotionally and physically, yes - - still very normal. Scientifc studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally cleanse our bodies from the toxins that build up from the stress of grief. Some people think that if they suppress their sorrow it will make the grief pain less intense. Clinical studies prove suppressing grief is very harmful and could result in serious medical situations further down the road. So, please go ahead and cry as much and as frequently as you need to - - even if you must find a private place to release your sorrow. I remember all too well the deep gut wrenching sobbing during the deep grief when one of my beloved companions transitioned home to the angels. It's a part of the grief adjustment journey, Princess' Mom, particularly during the deep searing pain.

The next thing I would like to share with you is that your beloved Princess KNOWS that you love her, and there is no doubt in my mind that she held on for the moment when you could be with her so that she could feel your loving touch one more time in her physical life and hear the depth of your love for her in your voice. One of the many painful adjustments during our grief journey is to the physical absence of our beloved companion. We live in a physically oriented world governed by the five senses of sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. Our lives are changed for the better when we embrace our companions into our hearts and home as they literally become the center of our universe. Our lives are changed again when they precede us to the angels because we are now faced with the excruciatingly painful task of re-inventing our daily routines that no longer include their sweet precious physical presence, and we literally experience a physical withdrawal from their chemical imprint on us when they rub against us and lick / kiss us. Some of us here, including me, find it helpful to hold a blanket, toy, collar, picture - - something - - that belongs only to our beloved companion when the pain of not being able to hold them in our arms is more than what our hearts can bear. No, it isn't the same as holding our beloved companion, but it does help to soothe the pain as we adjust to their physical absence.

Clinical professionals recognize now that the grief journey for the physical loss of a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend. Sadly our society in general does not accept this, and sometimes some of the people who are closest to us geographically and emotionally do not. So please know you are among friends here who truly understand what you are going through, and that we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Although this grief adjustment journey is filled with many challenges there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved Princess share. Love is eternal, Princess' Mom - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Princess' sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still, I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved Princess with us, and these adorable pictures of your sweet little girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Princess' Mom, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam