Pregnant & Grieving My Pug's Passing Options

[erinpuglover]

My sweet Winnie girl lost her battle with Cancer on Saturday night at 9:30pm. Her decline was quick, it only took a week and she stopped eating and was frighteningly thin. She was only 7 1/2 years old. I am so grateful she waited for us to come home. As soon as I saw her I looked at my husband and I knew it was time. I scooped her up in my arms, sat on the floor of our bedroom and waited with her. We told her how much we loved her and that she didn't have to hold on anymore for us. We prayed that God would take her when it was time, because neither of us were sure we would have had the strength to make the decision to put her down. About 10 minutes after we prayed over her (something I have not done in years), I cupped her face and looked into her eyes one last time and that is when she left us. We held on to her as she made her transition to the other side.

It's Tuesday (so I'm told) and the pain is still so deep. I keep thinking I see her little body wiggling under our covers, and I have to stop myself every time I walk into the house and I want to call out 'Winnie Girl!". I can't bear to move her little bed from the living room, or put her basket of toys away. I have found myself talking out loud to her when I'm alone in my home. I'm sadder than I knew I could be. I wish there was a way for her, for me, to know that we did everything we could and that we didn't miss something that could have saved her. We had been at the vet 3 or 4 times that week, tried all different medications, herbs and IV treatments. My biggest wish is that she feels like we did everything we could to take care of her and save her.

I'm also 8 month pregnant and feeling guilt about the sadness I'm experiencing and the effects on my baby. We had so many pictures of what our life would look like with Winnie and our new baby girl. We talked all the time about how lucky we were to have such an amazing big sister to our baby already. Winnie adored children and we were so looking forward to Winnie being able to meet her.

The part I've been afraid to say out loud is that inside of all my grief around my pug girl Winnie, I've found it difficult to be excited about the baby the last few days. I'm so sad about Winnie, that I don't know how to move through it so I can remember the blessing I have that's arriving so soon.

[erinpuglover]

Found myself re visiting this message board last night, and re visiting the little tribute I created on facebook for my winnie girl.

This past Saturday was 5 weeks, I had no idea that I would hold that date so clearly in my mind and silently remember the sad anniversary every single week.

As I moved through the last week I still found that I cried a bit each day, but that it was a little better than the week before. But then today I saw the photo collage I created about her and it hit me all over again. It does make me sad and nostalgic to look at the photos of her from our big past moments (my wedding, engagement, buying our first home, her last walk) but the hardest one is the one we took of her next to a pair of baby shoes to announce our pregnancy. This part has been the hardest to swallow. Knowing all the plans we had in place to introduce her to the baby and planning out the family photos with her once our child arrived. It has been brutal trying to figure out how to let that picture go.

My co workers did gift me a matted and framed photo of her for our nursery which is so touching.

I know we will wait until after the baby arrives to start looking at getting another dog, but I worry about the feelings of guilt. I don't want her to ever feel replaced or that we are not honoring her memory by waiting longer. I know we must get another pug because I can't imagine not having this breed in my life, but I'm so cautious now. I don't know how to ensure I find the right one. I don't know how to be more careful about finding a dog from a safe source. Winnie was given to me as a gift and I am certain she was from a backyard breeder, and sometimes I wonder if the lack of research to person who gave her to me is to blame for her health issues.

My mind is spinning as I try to pull myself together today. I am also 39 weeks pregnant today and am just so confused by EVERYTHING I've been feeling.

Grateful to have a place where I can spell out my feelings and process my thoughts.

[Monique]

hi erin,

as i turned the calendar to september at work today, i thought of you and wondered how you were doing. lo and behold you made a post.

in as difficult as it is to allow, your heart will guide you to your next dog. he/she will most likely show up unexpected and unannounced. your sweet peep knows she will never be replaced and she will be very much a part of your life with your daughter, just in a different form. i know you worry about where the next pug will come from and whether the backyard breeding had anything to do with it. my experience is that even under the most seemingly perfect breeding conditions, issues can come up, whether congenital or otherwise.

i wish you all the best with your upcoming birth and welcoming your miracle into this world.

((((((hugs))))))