Feeling Devastated Options

[Princessmommy]

Hello Everyone I'm new to this website and I recently lost my baby girl kitten princess on (June 16, 2014) due to a car hitting her. I still remember like it was yesterday that she was brought into my life princess was a street kitten I actually saved her from my neighbors dog when he was trying to attack her. This dog was attacking her bad so my heart was hurting that I decided to get her out. Well that very instant that princess was in my arms she brought a lot of joy into my whole life. I still remember that it was in winter time and since I live with my mother I didn't know if she wanted me to keep her in the house or not. So We had to leave the poor thing outside in the cold in order to ask permission. I did made sure that she was warm in a blanket before I left her outside. Then in the very morning without me telling my mother her heart completely melted as soon as she saw my baby princess out in the back porch. She immediately carry her into her arms and brought her inside an thats when the whole story started with my baby princess. We began to care for her because she was seriously hurt because of that dog biting her. Every day we feed her bath her and gave her all the love anyone could give a beautiful baby calico kitten like she was. before princess arrive into my life I never knew I was a pet lover an how much love a pet could bring to someone's life. Day by day my love began to grow for my princess and I was practically her mommy, her legal guardian because she was always by my side. She was a very cuddling kitty that also loved to play with all my kids. she was never a cruel animal like most of them are. She was always whiling to give all from her to my whole family. Until that horrible accident happen on June 16, 2014. That day I was not home an this happen at night when I return home I couldn't believe my eyes I still remember I didn't park my car right and immediately rush out of my car running because I saw a cat in the middle of the road not wanting to believe it was my princess. As soon as I approach her I immediately let out a huge scream it was my baby princess the one lying there with one of her eyes pop out sad.gif I immediately broke down into tears pick her up hold her in my arms wishing that she was not dead and still alive. I began to scream please princess please come back to me baby girl Please tell me that this is all a dream that you are still with me. But She was not moving or doing anything at that very moment I didn't want to leave her sight or have anyone take her from me.

But apparently my husband took her from me and I was screaming and saying noooo!!! you cannot be gone princess at that very moment I didn't know how to react I was in a complete shock just by looking at my baby girl with one of her eyes pop out. It was one of the most horrible things I could ever experience in my whole life not even a human being hurt me as much as my princess did. Now I blame myself how can I didn't do anything to save my girl by taking her to a vet to have her check. Maybe if I took her She would of still be alive by now, but at that very instant I didn't know what to do but break down into tears and until this day even though it been 3 months since I lost her. I can't find peace or comfort that she is no longer with me. My family doesn't care of what I'm feeling now not even my husband. I'm completely alone in my grief process I feel so lonely that ever since that happen to my girl I been trying to reach out for help but unfortunately I been unsuccessful. I don't know what to do or who to turn to in order to help me with this healing process this whole experience I'm facing right now is causing me a lot of stress in my personal life. I have no friends to even talk to or just to say hey how you are doing today. I'm just so depress I wish my family was able to understand how much I'm hurting right now. All they say is hurtful things and tell me you are over reacting she was just a cat sooner or later you will buy another one. How can they say that she was not just an animal she was my baby my best friend my everything and I can't seem to live without her. I'm going crazy right now I'm even seeing my girl everywhere I go her scratches in the door, meows, her little face in my room, I even feel a presence trying to get in top of my bed in the middle of the night. I'm so miserable right now that nothing seems the same I'm even losing desire of the things I just to enjoy before help!!! The reason I decided to join this website is because I saw the word pet loss and I immediately thought that maybe in this place I was able to receive some kind of guidance or support in helping me with this loss I'm going through right now. I'm not sure if others are experiencing the same loss like me, but if you guys are I'm so sorry my heart goes out to each and everyone of us who are going through a loss or had one before. I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post my story if not let me know where I'm able to post it so that people are able to read it and provide me with at least some feedback. I can't take this pressure pain anymore I need some help from anyone in here in how to feel better an what to do when this type of things happen. thanks for reading sad

I will like to share a picture of my princess so that everyone is able to meet her I hope I uploaded right and everyone is able to see it. if not let me know thanks everyone.

Sincerely,

Mayra

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[Monique]

I read your last entry with a nodding head. When I lose a beloved, I have a virtually instantaneous drive to find a “replacement,” because after all, it’s just not possible my peep is gone and the thought of living without the physical presence is simply unspeakable. When I lost my beloved senior Dachshund, Molly, this past Jan., I was inconsolable. This loss was like MacKenzie, so emotionally violent. She was not supposed to leave, my mind screamed! I found myself on Petfinder searching for miniature dachshunds who looked like her. I scoured the site for about a week. I actually found several. I even wrote emails of inquiry. It was an insane exercise. Luckily the animals I inquired about found homes, or I received no reply back. It wasn’t meant for any of them to come live with me. I was grieving and in nonstop denial. I wanted Molly back.

I put finding a replacement for Molly to rest. Within a few weeks, I received an email from a friend about a senior doxie in need, turned in to a shelter overrun with animals. (Molly passed 1/20; Sammy Jo entered my home 3/1.) In as hard as they try to find homes for everyone, there are simply no enough homes. I received pictures about Sammy Jo (as I later named her). In the pictures, she was literally the spitting image of Molly. I adopted her without reservation, as a little voice deep inside me said, “Now, Monique, she is not Molly…” I dismissed this little nag. I was getting Molly back… When I met her, I saw immediately that she really didn’t look at all like Molly up close. She was reserved, even a bit depressed. She looked like she had been well cared for and somehow lost her human mom or dad. Her original health profile surprised me; she received a clean bill of health and for a 13-yr old doxie, that was amazing. Turns out, she has some major health issues, but that is another long story. Over the last 6 months, I have come to love her for who she is. It was very difficult at first. She really didn’t want anything to do with me. She refused to accept her name. She studied everything in her regal, stoic manner, and wandered around the house in seemingly endless circles. One day I said to her as she once again feigned not knowing her name when I was calling her repeatedly, “Your name is Sammy Jo and I’m sorry if you don’t like it. I don’t know what happened to you and I’m sorry you lost your previous mommy. Without my help, your future was uncertain, bleak at best. I’m all you have…” From that point, I accepted her for who she is and our relationship has grown into a beautiful friendship. She even seeks me out now, wagging her tail. The other day she stood up on her hind legs and put her front feet on my legs. I love her with all my heart and all associations with Molly long since gone. I believe Sammy Jo was sent to me to help me heal from Molly, to bring me new love, not replace the love that was unique with Molly.

The same scenario of trying to find a replacement happened when MacKenzie died. I actually found one who not only looked exactly like MacKenzie but was even the same age! I knew in my gut, as I did with Molly, that I was trying to assuage my deep grief. I wanted all the pain and emotional noise to stop, to turn back the hands of time and relive that moment of passing with a different ending. For the cat I found who looked just like MacKenzie, I wrote a letter to the shelter, detailing things about MacKenzie and her passing, and offering my home to this sweet cat. I saved it to a folder I have on my computer for MacKenzie and never sent it. This provided some healing for me. I found out later that this sweet peep was adopted…

I remember when I lost my cat, Dominoe, in 2000, that I could barely look at my other animals. In my mind at the time, they were all simply not good enough, didn’t purr or talk like Dominoe, or have her endearing habits. My bond with her was so special and it felt like I all of the sudden had no bonds established at all with any of my other animals. I luckily didn't stay in this mode for very long. I literally started telling myself out loud that my other animals were not Dominoe and to love them for who they are. I will always have a special connection with Dominoe. I have special connections with all my animals, all unique. I also realized that to not love and honor all the other lives in my home was not fair to them and it was not fair to dwell on how they all differed from Dominoe. This would have caused even more regret and pain to process once they would pass to heaven.

All this to say what you are feeling is perfectly normal! I know only you know how much time you need to heal and transition through a grief phase. I hope you will find a way to open your heart to your new little peep, Blanca, soon. Every time you look at her, focus on little details about her, how the sun catches the beautiful iridescence in her eyes, how long her whiskers are, the little pads on her feet, the little tufts of fur in between her toes, listen to her special little mews… Remark to yourself how beautifully she was created. Even if you only do this for the briefest of moments, it will register and leave an impression on you. You will feed that memory and this little moment will grow into more and your love for her will become very specific, just for her.

I see Blanca's presence in your life as a sign, a little door opening for you, a little bundle of love you can hug and cuddle, who can give you the physical presence you miss. Not to replace your Princess. New love.

You will find a way to walk through that door to receive this new love.