Pregnant & Grieving My Pug's Passing Options

[erinpuglover]

My sweet Winnie girl lost her battle with Cancer on Saturday night at 9:30pm. Her decline was quick, it only took a week and she stopped eating and was frighteningly thin. She was only 7 1/2 years old. I am so grateful she waited for us to come home. As soon as I saw her I looked at my husband and I knew it was time. I scooped her up in my arms, sat on the floor of our bedroom and waited with her. We told her how much we loved her and that she didn't have to hold on anymore for us. We prayed that God would take her when it was time, because neither of us were sure we would have had the strength to make the decision to put her down. About 10 minutes after we prayed over her (something I have not done in years), I cupped her face and looked into her eyes one last time and that is when she left us. We held on to her as she made her transition to the other side.

It's Tuesday (so I'm told) and the pain is still so deep. I keep thinking I see her little body wiggling under our covers, and I have to stop myself every time I walk into the house and I want to call out 'Winnie Girl!". I can't bear to move her little bed from the living room, or put her basket of toys away. I have found myself talking out loud to her when I'm alone in my home. I'm sadder than I knew I could be. I wish there was a way for her, for me, to know that we did everything we could and that we didn't miss something that could have saved her. We had been at the vet 3 or 4 times that week, tried all different medications, herbs and IV treatments. My biggest wish is that she feels like we did everything we could to take care of her and save her.

I'm also 8 month pregnant and feeling guilt about the sadness I'm experiencing and the effects on my baby. We had so many pictures of what our life would look like with Winnie and our new baby girl. We talked all the time about how lucky we were to have such an amazing big sister to our baby already. Winnie adored children and we were so looking forward to Winnie being able to meet her.

The part I've been afraid to say out loud is that inside of all my grief around my pug girl Winnie, I've found it difficult to be excited about the baby the last few days. I'm so sad about Winnie, that I don't know how to move through it so I can remember the blessing I have that's arriving so soon.

[Monique]

A small add-on note... I looked up at my calendar at work today. It's been on the month of July all month and not until today did I see the picture. It was of a pug puppy who looks just like your Winnie. The little pug is sniffing a daisy. I couldn't believe it. How could I have missed this? I took pictures of this calendar & can load them here, if that's OK with you... If not, I understand.

[erinpuglover]

A small add-on note... I looked up at my calendar at work today. It's been on the month of July all month and not until today did I see the picture. It was of a pug puppy who looks just like your Winnie. The little pug is sniffing a daisy. I couldn't believe it. How could I have missed this? I took pictures of this calendar & can load them here, if that's OK with you... If not, I understand.

oh, how sweet and special. makes me feel like winnie girl is still here would love to see the photo, thank you for asking if it would be okay.

today was hard. funny, yesterday I was feeling energetic and focused and today felt like that fresh, deep pain all over again. its becoming clear that this process is just that - a process.

I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel like you're getting back to yourself after losing MacKenzie. She is lucky to have had you carrying concern for her up until the very end, it's hard to remember that not all dogs are as blessed to have humans who invest all they are into taking care of them. I hope that each day gets a little bit better for you as you continue to move through this grief.

[Monique]

oh, how sweet and special. makes me feel like winnie girl is still here would love to see the photo, thank you for asking if it would be okay.

today was hard. funny, yesterday I was feeling energetic and focused and today felt like that fresh, deep pain all over again. its becoming clear that this process is just that - a process.

I'm glad to hear you're starting to feel like you're getting back to yourself after losing MacKenzie. She is lucky to have had you carrying concern for her up until the very end, it's hard to remember that not all dogs are as blessed to have humans who invest all they are into taking care of them. I hope that each day gets a little bit better for you as you continue to move through this grief.

I hope you will continue to have energetic and focused moments. Even one is better than none and shows you are healing.

It truly is a process and what you are experiencing is “normal” – that doesn’t make it any easier except to hopefully help you to realize you are not losing your mind. I read a post here yesterday, the one year anniversary of this person’s loss. The pain was back, the longing to have her peep back. These are the triggers I dread. Even triggers of good memories invariably end up at “the end.”

I few years ago, I sought out a counselor who was reputed to be versed in trauma and grief counseling. I didn’t derive much benefit and stopped going. She did tell me one thing I will always remember. Life is a series of moments. Millions of little snapshots. The passing of a loved one is one of those moments. When you line up the millions of moments, of which the passing is only one, that puts things into a perspective. We assign weight, life doesn’t.

Attached are the pics of the calendar.

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[Monique]

Here is a pic of the full calendar...

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