Pregnant & Grieving My Pug's Passing Options

[erinpuglover]

My sweet Winnie girl lost her battle with Cancer on Saturday night at 9:30pm. Her decline was quick, it only took a week and she stopped eating and was frighteningly thin. She was only 7 1/2 years old. I am so grateful she waited for us to come home. As soon as I saw her I looked at my husband and I knew it was time. I scooped her up in my arms, sat on the floor of our bedroom and waited with her. We told her how much we loved her and that she didn't have to hold on anymore for us. We prayed that God would take her when it was time, because neither of us were sure we would have had the strength to make the decision to put her down. About 10 minutes after we prayed over her (something I have not done in years), I cupped her face and looked into her eyes one last time and that is when she left us. We held on to her as she made her transition to the other side.

It's Tuesday (so I'm told) and the pain is still so deep. I keep thinking I see her little body wiggling under our covers, and I have to stop myself every time I walk into the house and I want to call out 'Winnie Girl!". I can't bear to move her little bed from the living room, or put her basket of toys away. I have found myself talking out loud to her when I'm alone in my home. I'm sadder than I knew I could be. I wish there was a way for her, for me, to know that we did everything we could and that we didn't miss something that could have saved her. We had been at the vet 3 or 4 times that week, tried all different medications, herbs and IV treatments. My biggest wish is that she feels like we did everything we could to take care of her and save her.

I'm also 8 month pregnant and feeling guilt about the sadness I'm experiencing and the effects on my baby. We had so many pictures of what our life would look like with Winnie and our new baby girl. We talked all the time about how lucky we were to have such an amazing big sister to our baby already. Winnie adored children and we were so looking forward to Winnie being able to meet her.

The part I've been afraid to say out loud is that inside of all my grief around my pug girl Winnie, I've found it difficult to be excited about the baby the last few days. I'm so sad about Winnie, that I don't know how to move through it so I can remember the blessing I have that's arriving so soon.

[Monique]

Time, perspective, support, understanding,… all help to heal the wounds. At the very least the raw agony of the loss tempers. The journey is different for everyone and process/do whatever is good for You. I hear and read so often, “Oh, it’s just a cat, or dog, or bird…” and “You’ve grieved enough.” I dismiss these types of statement immediately and seek out like-minded people. Winnie the Pug will always have a very special spot in your heart and you’ll always want to hold her again and have her wiggle after you in glee. The only change down the road is that it will not be as excruciatingly painful and that you will not think of her passing every minute of every day. When I lost my angel, MacKenzie, on 11 July, I was in so much pain, I even felt suicidal.

Now, almost 3 weeks later, I’m starting to rejoin the living and am realizing blessings and many good things that have come out and will continue to come out as a result of her passing. I have literally been fighting to come back to some semblance of sanity for all the ones who still need me at home. I hope the same for you. There is never a good time to lose a dear peep. Winnie was very sick and had been struggling with the dreaded “C” for some time. Her body could simply not sustain itself much longer. I suspect she was hiding a lot to ease your burdens. She also knew you would have your baby soon. She could not stay with you much longer, she knew that, too. So, she choose the best possible exit time, long enough before you give birth to allow you time to get through the worst of the pain of losing her. She also didn’t want to leave you after you give birth. You would be grieving her passing while your baby needs all of you present and joyful. Her leaving when she did, put you initially in a forced time off situation. Turns out, she knew you needed the rest more than you did!

For me, I now know that MacKenzie was not intended to have the gallbladder removal surgery from additional information I have now (read this in the comment trail on my page). I was devastated with this news at first, thinking I had killed her! The visual of her taking her last breath right in front of me, as I was trying to position her for more comfort, was horribly haunting. Now I am seeing the blessings in this. Had she not had the surgery, she would have continued to waste away and suffer. Every day would have been a torment trying to help her eat, getting her from deep under the bed, worrying incessantly about her, waiting, watching. Her passing as she did spared the both of us from needing intervention from the vet to help her to heaven, or seeing her collapse in front of me, or even worse, finding her dead somewhere in the house! She was on pain meds when she to receive God’s care. It was very peaceful and quick. I still very upset that she spent her last night on earth in a steel compartment at the vet post-surgery, so I’m still processing that.

For your Winnie, you may not realize this yet, but you were blessed to be able to hold her, and pray over her, and kiss her sweet face one last time. This was her gift to you, rather than you having to face alternatives similar to those I could have faced with MacKenzie. Winnie was where she loved to be the most, with just you, your husband, in your home where she was the happiest and where she has the fondest of memories.