Pregnant & Grieving My Pug's Passing Options

[erinpuglover]

My sweet Winnie girl lost her battle with Cancer on Saturday night at 9:30pm. Her decline was quick, it only took a week and she stopped eating and was frighteningly thin. She was only 7 1/2 years old. I am so grateful she waited for us to come home. As soon as I saw her I looked at my husband and I knew it was time. I scooped her up in my arms, sat on the floor of our bedroom and waited with her. We told her how much we loved her and that she didn't have to hold on anymore for us. We prayed that God would take her when it was time, because neither of us were sure we would have had the strength to make the decision to put her down. About 10 minutes after we prayed over her (something I have not done in years), I cupped her face and looked into her eyes one last time and that is when she left us. We held on to her as she made her transition to the other side.

It's Tuesday (so I'm told) and the pain is still so deep. I keep thinking I see her little body wiggling under our covers, and I have to stop myself every time I walk into the house and I want to call out 'Winnie Girl!". I can't bear to move her little bed from the living room, or put her basket of toys away. I have found myself talking out loud to her when I'm alone in my home. I'm sadder than I knew I could be. I wish there was a way for her, for me, to know that we did everything we could and that we didn't miss something that could have saved her. We had been at the vet 3 or 4 times that week, tried all different medications, herbs and IV treatments. My biggest wish is that she feels like we did everything we could to take care of her and save her.

I'm also 8 month pregnant and feeling guilt about the sadness I'm experiencing and the effects on my baby. We had so many pictures of what our life would look like with Winnie and our new baby girl. We talked all the time about how lucky we were to have such an amazing big sister to our baby already. Winnie adored children and we were so looking forward to Winnie being able to meet her.

The part I've been afraid to say out loud is that inside of all my grief around my pug girl Winnie, I've found it difficult to be excited about the baby the last few days. I'm so sad about Winnie, that I don't know how to move through it so I can remember the blessing I have that's arriving so soon.

[erinpuglover]

Wow - I'm so happy that I joined this group. All your comments are so touching. It's truly so healing to connect with people who have gone through/are going through this difficult experience. With that said, I'm sorry for your losses as well.

I love the idea about creating something in the nursery that acknowledges our Winnie (we call her winnie the pug) . I'm an artist and a pencil drawing of our first girl, still standing guard over our baby girl would be perfect.

I can start taking maternity leave August 9 but took time off this week to grieve my girl. The funny thing is, I had convinced myself that I would work up to my due date ( September 9). With just these few days off I'm realizing that maybe this was a gift to me - the ONLY thing that would have driven me to take any time off would have been something as tragic as losing our sweet winnie. And now that I'm at home and giving myself some space, I'm realizing that it's so needed. As much as we would take care of her, she is always (still) taking care of us. As all our beloved pets do.

I feel lucky to have some perspective on this, but it doesn't make the hurt any less deep and cutting. When I'm sad I look over at her bed and imagine her curled up in it keeping me company and it makes me feel better. I feel her spirit around me, but I still do hope that I can one day be gifted with peace surrounding her health and that she knows we did everything we could for her.

I cannot stop replaying the moment she died in my arms. It's burned into my brain. As special as it was, and as blessed as we are to have spent the last moments with her, comforting her and holding her, it's still such a strange thing to be witness to and it's such a specific image it just pops up into my head through the day. And yes, the cancer is so maddening. We had thought we had a handle on her mast cell tumors 2 years ago, but her lymph nodes suddenly started to swell and within days she was gone. It's been quite a roller coaster.

Thank you again for all the replies and support. What a gift.