The Silent Scream Frozen For All Time, MacKenzie, My Angel Options

[Monique]

MacKenzie and her siblings, born feral around Sept 2002, hailed from a local animal services center. Their fate was slim and I decided to take the little family home to tame them and find them homes. MacKenzie was the first of her siblings who tamed and from that first step towards me, she and I were BFFs. Additionally, she started exhibiting many behaviors and mannerisms specific to my cat, Dominoe, who went to heaven in 2000. She even looked like Dominoe. For the last almost 12 years, I had the pleasure and honor to have both my girls by my side.

I lost my beloved MacKenzie, Friday evening, 11 July 2014, right after getting her home from gallbladder removal surgery that Thursday, 10 July. Her health had been failing for about a year and a half. Despite a period of reprieve in 2013, weight loss resumed late last year – early this year, and supportive therapies were having little success. She became very thin again, struggling with in appetence, and generally not participating in life. For the last few months, she moped around the house and mostly slept deep under the bed. To encourage her to eat, I would give her valium and canned food, including AD, to entice her to eat. She would rarely eat without the Valium. The first ultra sound in April 2013, showed a slight shadow in her gallbladder. This past June, the shadow was definitive, thus indicative of a stone or stones. As she was asymptomatic except for this test result, my vet and I decided to resume supportive therapies in March. It was becoming more and more difficult to medicate her. She was not happy; there was a haunting sadness in her eyes. I had not seen her sleep in her favorite spots for months. She remained in a depressed and wasted state.

Supported by my vet, I made the difficult decision for MacKenzie to have this surgery, hoping to restore her health while her vital signs and chemistry results were still good. She championed through the surgery and was recovering well. The gallbladder was removed; the surgeon found a stone the size of a pea (the gallbladder in a cat is only the size of a pecan). When I went to pick her up Friday afternoon, she felt very cold. Her temperature had dropped 5 degrees in about 4 hours, which was the last time her temperature was checked. She was transitioning from IV fluid support to tube feeding and fluids through her feeding tube. Not only was she very cold to the touch when I first saw her, she was weak and unable to walk. I sat with her wrapped in blankets and heating pads for an hour. Her temperature was up by a degree, all vital signs were good. She was still weak and not able to walk without stumbling, but the vet thought she was OK to go home given all the other positive vital signs.

Once home, I settled her in my upstairs bathroom, where I was going to rehabilitate her in the company of a little kitten, Ariel, who is also recovering from trauma. Within an hour MacKenzie was gone. The last time I checked on her, I shifted her position to get her comfortable as I noticed her breathing was a bit raspy. She stretched and took one more breath and was gone. The agony I felt was indescribable.

I have been involved in animal rescue for many years and have a large, mostly aging, multi-species animal household. Unfortunately, loss is a very real and frequent part of my life. Loss is never easy. Some loss is better to process than others; MacKenzie makes 10 for just this year. Losing MacKenzie is as heart wrenching as losing my Molly this past Jan. In many ways, she is my worst loss ever. My heart is broken and my brain is screaming to understand. An autopsy revealed an ailing heart. It is possible she had hypertrophic cardiomyopathy (HCM) and perhaps her heart couldn’t process a blood clot or some residual stress from the surgery/anesthesia. Despite the fact that she championed through the surgery, something happened to cause the sudden death. Biopsy were submitted and provided no answers as to cause of death. They showed secondary organ issues from the malfunctioning gallbladder. Her pancreas was not well, her small intestine was inflamed and infected, her lymph nodes working over time, she was anemic from chronic disease... It has been an insane exercise to try and find answers and meaning while my own heart is barely beating. My will to live is only alive as many at home still depend on me.

I have read and re-read all of the things I have gathered about dealing with loss over the years. I have researched further and found this site and read extensively on it. My heart only aches more, and I now also feel the pain from everyone else.

Since losing MacKenzie, I have been in a silent, agonizing scream, seemingly frozen for all time. It has been only two weeks. I feel in some respects she has been gone forever for all the energy I have expended in cycling endlessly through blame, guilt, shame, anger. Mostly, just the gut-wrenching agony I felt when she slipped away as I tried to ease her position. Her final breath. My silent scream in slow motion. Assaults from very dark places. The futile attempts to revive her... OMG...

I see that painting, The Scream, like a movie reel stuck on one frame. I can't breathe.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Monique, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved MacKenzie. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. As heartbreaking as it is, your beloved MacKenzie transitioned home to the angels in the place she loves the most - - her home surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells familiar to her, and the presence of her loving Forever Mom.

Each of our companions have their own special place in our hearts, yet the grief adjustment journey for some physical losses can be harder than others. This doesn't mean we love some companions more than others - - or that our "connection" with some of them is less important. It simply means that some bonds with our companions - - similar to some bonds we have with human family members and friends - - are uniquely special.

Monique, one of the many emotions EACH of us experience during the grief journey is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the hardest emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to reconcile all the things that happened that didn't make sense at the time they were occurring, and all the whys, what if's, and if only's that haunt our hearts and minds at a time when we are emotionally vulnerable. As with human medicine, sometimes an autopsy can pose more questions than provide answers, yet the clues are still there in the evidence letting you know that your beloved MacKenzie's body was very fragile from the many medical challenges that were taking a serious toll.

As our forum correspondent Lynette has already so compassionately shared with you, so I affirm her words of comfort: You did everything in your power to give your beloved MacKenzie a happy, healthy earthly journey. I hope someday you will be able to find peace in your heart that your beloved MacKenzie knows you love her, and she is forever blessed to have you for her Forever Mom.

Although this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity, there is one thing that will never change: the love bond you and your beloved MacKenzie share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved MacKenzie's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will, for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the searing pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so much for honoring us in sharing your beloved MacKenzie with us, and this wonderful picture of your beautiful girl. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Monique, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam