Numb Options

[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[Snapdragon]

Am having a particularly hard time of it right now. I think I'm trying to "keep a stiff upper lip"....but the pain is breaking through. I am able to go through my day without crying (for the most part....but when I do cry, I'm fine with it, I just cry); I think to others I might seem mostly "ok," maybe a little bit low energy, but somewhat like myself. But inside I just wonder what I'm doing, going through the motions of a typical day--the world just seems like some place that I just don't want to be.

My hubby, thought I really believed he loved Molly very much, is simply not grieving her like I am. He is giving me a lot of space, but still, I feel pretty much alone. I overheard him tell his cousin "...she doesn't deal with death very well." I don't know that it'd death, per se, but just the I SOOO miss my Molly. I miss her horribly. I miss her in a way that is beyond words. Y'all know.

Over the weekend I didn't get out of bed until after noon! Even then, honestly, if my husband weren't around I think I'd just stay in bed all day. My energy level is zilch! I just don't want to do anything. I knit, and we have a family wedding to go to at the end of May, and I offered to knit a lace wrap for the mother-of-the-bride, so that's about all I do. I have a novel I started before Molly died, and I thought getting into that would distract me, but I just can't even pick it up. Every minute of every day just seems pointless, empty and devoid of any joy or pleasure whatsoever. I feel like I'm just waiting....waiting for something to change, waiting for the pain to ease up, waiting for....whatever. Any and all joy has completely left my life.
I’m normally not “into� drama. I gravitate towards equanimity. But losing Molly has completely knocked me down to my knees.