Numb Options

[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[Snapdragon]

Two weeks. It feels like yesterday, and it also feels like an eternity. I've had moments, usually when distracted with something, where I seem to find some relief from the crushing pain of loss. When I think maybe...maybe, maybe, maybe I can survive this. But then a crushing wave of grief washes over me--again. I think of Molly and just ache to touch her. I cry a cry that is pure pain...

I was watching the news tonight, watching about the mud slide in Washington State that has killed many people, with many more missing. I think about the grief of those families and then I feel a little embarrassed by the intensity of my grief for Molly. The missing Malaysian jet. People who have lost spouses, parents, family members. I have accepted that it's normal to feel such grief for the loss of a pet, but when I see these terrible tragedies, I think twice.

But still, I miss Molly Rose more than words can express. I almost feel I'm living in some alternate universe, that this isn't real and that Molly will be there again, when I wake up in the morning. It feels impossible to imagine life without her in it. And the grieving just feels bottomless.