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[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[Snapdragon]

Two weeks tomorrow. I look at the clothes I was wearing when we took Molly into the vet on her last day...I don't know if I can wear them again. Sounds silly, but they are a reminder of that day.

I am looking for a therapist to see here in town. This is feeling just SO painful, and I am afraid that it's just going to feel this way forever, so maybe some grief counseling will help. I have a huge fear, though, of getting someone who really doesn't "get it." If so, I'd just not go back. Hearing someone who doesn't really get it, actually makes it worse.

I feel so exhausted. I really can't look at pictures of Molly right now. If I can keep thoughts of her at bay, if I can work at it, I can not cry all day. But the tear and pain are always just under the surface. And it's all the harder to be around friends who don't understand. I just feel so, so, so, so sad. SO sad.

[my George]

Dear Molly's mum,

I, too, have not worn the dress and the cardigan I wore that fateful night when I took my George to ER. I remember thinking that night 'oh, I should look decent and presentable in the hospital for George' although I was in a super hurry to get him to ER. It was 10 pm and I was in my pyjamas. I took out that new grey dress very quickly to get changed.

I can't look at those clothes. I will never wear them again.....I don't know why I didn't throw them away. It maybe that deep down I want to hold onto that guilt and painful memory of that night. I didn't know then.....it would be his last time at home alive. I still see the scene with me in that dress with George following me out to the car. I never imagined that would be our last night together at home. He came home 5 days later, dead. I re play that night over and over. Can't help. I miss him so much that I feel my heart is going to explode. I wish it did.

Tears and hugs to you

George's mum

[Snapdragon]

George's mum,

Thanks, George's mum! You so totally get it. Yes, I'm not sure why I haven't thrown those clohes out. And, for me too, as with you, I didn't know that when I was taking Molly to the vet, that it would be the last time. I thought I'd be taking her home with some meds, for a respitory infection, or some such thing--I didn't expect to find lung cancer, lungs full of fluid and less than a week to live. It's just all SO painful. And now, I see a little bit of her kitty litter on the floor in the upstairs bathroom, in "her" bathroom, which I missed cleaning up and now I don't want to clean it up, I just want to leave it there, who knows, maybe even thinking she may come back. Crazy, but I look at those few grains of litter on the floor and my heart just breaks. Why is it that we love these furry babies so much!!! The memories are sooo hard, aren't they?

And I think of the afternoon we took her into the vet, that last day. I'd been really busy for the several days before...had I known we were going to lose her, I'd have cancelled everything to spend that time with her. I don't think of myself as someone who's prone to drama, but geeze, when I think of her, I feel like my heart is just being ripped out of my chest, it just hurts SO much. Thank you for listening. - Molly Rose's mom