Numb Options

[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling is very normal deep grief. There is no shame or guilt in what you share with us: "I did not have this degree of pain when my mom died, which actually makes me feel guilty. And I loved my mom; she was a good, kind person, and wonderful mother. But I absolutely don't remember this level of pain with her passing."

When our companions come into our hearts our lives are changed for the better. They accept us for who we are unconditionally. They don't care about our financial wealth - - or lack thereof, what our social status is, where we live - - be it in a tent, under an expressway overpass, in a modest structure, or a mansion. They just love us for who we are, and we surrender ourselves to them without reservation or fear of rejection. Our relationships with our human family members and friends is on a completely different level. Our human relationships include societal expectations - - to strive toward financial wealth on whatever level that may be, to live in an "acceptable" type of housing structure, to have social contacts both personally as well as for business / employment purposes, etc.. When these expectations are achieved or receive approval in our human relationships, these relationships prosper. When we do not meet with the standards of expectations, depending on the strength of the relationship it can either not have an impact with the relationship continuing to thrive or it can cause a significant decline to the point that the relationship ceases to exist.

The love you have for your mom is in no way diminished with the love you have for your beloved Molly Rose. It simply means that they are on separate and different levels. There are some people who think that we have to "choose" between the two. Clinical professionals recognize that this is unnecessary and unrealistic, for having a beloved companion in our hearts and lives - - for those of us who truly embrace them into our hearts and lives - - can bring us closer to the human relationships in our lives.

It is difficult putting on the "public face" when our hearts are entrenched in deep sorrow, so I know from first hand experience how difficult it was for you to endure the evening out having dinner with your friends. This is one example of the "social expectations" we have in our human relationships.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Snapdragon, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Molly Rose's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam