Numb Options

[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Snapdragon, please permit me to add my sincerest sympathies in the physical loss of your beloved feline companion. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Euthanasia is the last gift of love we can give to our companions at great sacrifice to ourselves so that they can be restored to their former youthfulness in the company of the angels.

Snapdragon, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eternity. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time - - with the reassurance that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Although clinical professionals recognize that the grief journey for a beloved companion is the same as for a human family member or friend, sadly our society in general - - and sometimes the people who are closest to us emotionally and geographically - - do not. This is one of the many reasons why this wonderful forum is here as a safe place where we can come to share what is in our hearts without the fear of judgment or recrimination.

Please let me try to reassure you that what you are feeling and experiencing is very normal deep grief when you share with us: "I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything."

When our companions come into our hearts and homes our lives are changed for the better. They literally become the center of our universe. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again with the enormous painful task of re-defining our lives and establishing "new normals" that no longer include their sweet precious physical presence. This is a very painful adjustment - - both emotionally and physically. During the very deep grief - - the minutes, hours, days, and weeks immediately following the physical loss we experience the intense symptoms of enormous stress - - lack of appetite, insomnia - - or the opposite need for sleep without feeling refreshed upon awakening, lack of concentration, lack of control of our emotions, and the list goes on and on. AND there is the feeling like our hearts are literally breaking under the weight of the pain of our grief.

It is important that you give yourself the opportunties to release your deep grief in healthy ways. One of the ways our body deals with deep grief is crying. Scientific studies prove that the tears we cry are literally healing tears for they literally wash the toxins out of our body that build up from the stress of grief. And when your arms ache to hold your beloved companion, some of us have found that holding a toy, a blanket, a collar - - something that belongs only to your beloved compainon - - does help to ease the intense pain of not being able to hold your companion's sweet physical body. No, it isn't the same, but it does help to ease the enormous pain as you navigate your grief adjustment journey.

And as our forum friend DannsyMom has so compassionately shared with you - - there is NO "getting over" the physical absence of your beloved companion. Even 20 years down the road you will be thinking of your beloved companion and a feeling of sadness will creep into your heart and perhaps a mist will come to your eyes. But the GOOD NEWS is that these moments are not as intense or as frequent as they are now, and eventually instead of feeling this incredibly intense pain you will be able to remember your beloved companion and smile - -truly smile - - and feel the warmth of your many treasured memories you and your beloved companion share fill your heart.

As difficult as this deep grief journey is right now, there is one thing that will never change - - the love bond you and your beloved companion share. Love is eternal -- it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. I hope and pray that you will find comfort in knowing that your beloved companion's sweet Living Spirit continues to share your earthly journey as she always has and always will - - for she is always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Snapdragon - - she is always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

I know all too well from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for honoring us in sharing your beloved companion with us, Snapdragon. Perhaps sometime you will feel up to sharing a picture of her with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Snapdragon]

Thank you, moon beam, for you so very kind thoughts, and your caring. I expected that someday, when I lost Molly Rose, it would be hard. But I had no idea I'd feel like my life just ended. Seriously, that how it feels. I feel like I can't do anything but just sit here. I feel zero desire to do anything. No exaggeration. And I consider myself a fairly "strong" person, but I feel like I've just been cut off at the knees. I feel at an utter loss, and actually just wish I wasn't living right now at all. The pain is indescribable. And it so, so, so helps, though to know that others understand, really understand. So I guess there's nothing to do but to cry and wait, huh?
Thank you for asking for pictures of Molly...I think I uploaded them ok, so they may appear. It's the first time I've looked at her pictures...mixed feelings, great pain, but also I remembered how sweet she looked, and how happy she was with us. We spoiled her rotten; she had such a good life. And I guess I can be happy that I have no regrets for how we cared for her for 16 yrs--she was pampered and very-well taken care of. But, the hole in my heart is hemorrhaging pain right now. And at the risk of sounding overly-dramatic, I just can't imagine that pain ever going away. But thank you SO much for your caring--it's like a suave on my wound. Really.

Attached image(s)

 

[jaspersmom]

Thank you, moon beam, for you so very kind thoughts, and your caring. I expected that someday, when I lost Molly Rose, it would be hard. But I had no idea I'd feel like my life just ended. Seriously, that how it feels. I feel like I can't do anything but just sit here. I feel zero desire to do anything. No exaggeration. And I consider myself a fairly "strong" person, but I feel like I've just been cut off at the knees. I feel at an utter loss, and actually just wish I wasn't living right now at all. The pain is indescribable. And it so, so, so helps, though to know that others understand, really understand. So I guess there's nothing to do but to cry and wait, huh?
Thank you for asking for pictures of Molly...I think I uploaded them ok, so they may appear. It's the first time I've looked at her pictures...mixed feelings, great pain, but also I remembered how sweet she looked, and how happy she was with us. We spoiled her rotten; she had such a good life. And I guess I can be happy that I have no regrets for how we cared for her for 16 yrs--she was pampered and very-well taken care of. But, the hole in my heart is hemorrhaging pain right now. And at the risk of sounding overly-dramatic, I just can't imagine that pain ever going away. But thank you SO much for your caring--it's like a suave on my wound. Really.

Hello Snapdragon. I was looking at the pictures you posted of your Molly Rose, and I wanted to tell you that she is absolutely beautiful, and you can just see that special sweetness in her eyes. I know how very much you are hurting right now, and your pain is still so new and intense, but I hope you will be able to fall back on that little bit of peace and comfort, in knowing what a wonderful and happy life you gave Molly. I truly believe that once in a lifetime, a very special companion will find us and come into our world, and they will find their way into our heart and our very soul, and no physical separation can ever break that connection we have with them. I am sure that Molly was and is your soulmate pet, that one in a milllion little snowflake, beautiful and special, and unlike any other.

The first few days after saying goodbye to Jasper, all I wanted to do was to go back to before he became so ill, to have just one more day, one more moment with him, but I know now that would never even be enough. Then I found myself wishing that I could fast forward the time, so maybe I would start to heal, and my grief would not be so sharp and raw, which is what you are feeling right now, I am sure. Well now I know that we can't do either, we can't go back and we can't go forward, but we can just try to get through one day at a time, one moment at a time. I am sure that you can understand this, but I would often wake up in the morning wondering how on earth my heart could still be beating after this loss, I have never felt such pain before and never ever want to again. I can so relate to your words and posts, and I did want you to know that what you are feeling is exactly how I felt those first few days, and I never thought that I would actually get to the stage I am at right now, whichever one that is, but I know it is not where I used to be, and I know I am taking baby steps every day toward healing, which will happen with you.

I wish I had the magic answer to heal your heart, but I still feel as though part of me is missing, and I probably will always feel that way. But I do believe that time is our friend here, and even though the deep sadness will still be there, it will be a softer and gentler sorrow, if there is such a thing, still very very hard, but not impossible to overcome. I have been through hardships and struggles in my life as I am sure you and everyone on this forum has, but this just brought me to my knees and rocked my very soul, and I can so feel the depth of sadness in your words, and my heart goes out to you.

I just wanted to let you know that I so understand where you are right now, and I wanted to let you know that you will not always be there, and just know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, I finally found it and so will you, but it does take time, and the journey is not easy by any means, but you are not alone, and we are all here for you. Take care Snapdragon and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead. I know one thing, even though you are hurting so badly right now, I am sure you would not give up even one single day you had with your Molly, as I would not with my Jasper, snowflakes are like that you know, so special and so beautiful, yet gone way too soon.