Numb Options

[Snapdragon]

Just this Tuesday, March 11, we lost our 16-yr old cat to lung cancer. She was getting old and I knew the day was coming that I'd lose her. We had her from a baby and she was just that--my "baby." We didn't know she had lung cancer until we took her to the vet because of a cough she'd developed, but turned out to be lung cancer and the vet said she had maybe a week to live. We decided to not let her suffer and just put her to sleep then and there. I am heartbroken beyond words. At this point in time I just really wish I could die too. And I'm not a "weak" person by any means, but this really feels like more than I can handle. I honestly can't imagine how I'll ever get over her. I think of the bezillion people who have lost loved ones (people and pets) who seem to get "over" it, get on with their lives, but honestly, right now, it seems an impossibility. All I can think is that I just wish I was dead. (and no, I'm not going to kill myself--but I wish I could) I feel like I'm just walking around in a fog right now, I couldn't care less about anything. And what does make it all the worse (if that's possible) is I just feel like no one understands.

[Snapdragon]

Thanks you, all, for your OH so kind love and support.

Today is not going well. We are supposed to go to friends' house later for dinner. And all I want to do is die. This pain is indescribable, and I have no idea why. I did not have this degree of pain when my mom died, which actually makes me feel guilty. And I loved my mom; she was a good, kind person, and wonderful mother. But I absolutely don't remember this level of pain with her passing. I just DON'T understand it....I am a normally strong person. But this is just killing me. I would never kill myself, that is, for me, just so wrong on so many levels, for me. But I wish I could because the pain feels intolerable. I wish I were dead, I miss Molly SO much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Being able to express the degree of my grief here is my only solace. Really. I just feel like I could explode with pain. I really have to get this pain out.