You're Still Right Here With Me Options

[jaspersmom]

I can't believe that it has been a month since I had to say goodbye to my dear sweet cat Jasper, my precious baby and my very best friend. It feels like so much longer since my sweet boy left this world, those first few days were like a blur in some ways, as though I was detached from everything and everyone, as though I was in some very bad dream, and I just wanted so badly to wake up and pretend that this was not real, how could he not be here with me anymore. I do remember the pain being so intense, nothing I have ever felt before or ever want to feel again, and as I looked at my life, and this so called new normal through tears that would fill an ocean, I just could not understand how everything and everyone could just be going on as usual, when my whole world had come to such a sudden and devastating stop.

There have been a few changes since those first few weeks, the sharp and intense pain seems to have been replaced with an emptiness and a deep inside sadness. Those first few days were unbelievable, such an unrelenting and emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I would just totally give in to the grief and cry my eyes out, but then amidst all the emptiness and despair, something very special started to happen. I started to feel my Jasper again, he was right here beside me and his presence was so palpable, I could almost reach out and touch him, I would see fleeting shadows and glimpses of him, such a wonderful lifeline he gave me to grasp onto. One particularly difficult night, I actually felt him jump onto the bed in his favorite spot, I heard all of those four dear little paws bounce right onto the bed next to me, it is amazing that my sweet baby knew how badly I was hurting, the anguish I was in, and he broke through the bonds of this physical realm to comfort me, and to let me know that just because I can't see him or touch him, does not in any way mean that he is not here.

The instant replay and hauntingly clear images of our last few days together when he was so sick are now starting to fade, and they are slowly being replaced by little spurts of our special times together, the first time I held him, and he seemed to melt right into my lap as though he knew he was home. Our first night together when a storm was raging outside, but he was cuddled up right next to me without a care in the world, because he knew he was with his mama, and he knew he was safe. Although I can feel him here, I still cannot wait for the day until he runs to meet me, and he tells me about all of the adventures he has been having, and I long for that day when I will be able to scoop my sweet boy up in my arms, kiss his little head, and tell him how I have carried him with me in my heart every single moment of every single day.

Those first few days when I was in the deepest and darkest throes of my grief, I found a beautiful poem which really spoke to me, and I believe it was sent from above by my special little boy, always by my side, forever in my heart ... I love you Jasper.

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep,
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm fine, I'm well, I'm here.

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your arms reached out to me.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care,
I want to reassure you, that I am not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair,
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday,
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew,
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is almost over, I smile and watch you yawning
And say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you, and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see,
Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.

[Snapdragon]

Hi Jaspersmom. Wow. I so completely feel what you said in your 3/5 post. I just lost Molly-Rose on 3/11, just four days ago. And yes, life seems to still be out there, going about its business, but I feel so, SO disconnected from any of it. I have NO interest in anything. Nothing. I just sit here, staring out the window, in disbelief that Molly is gone. We had her for 16 yrs and now, with her gone, it feels like life should just stop. Your describing the pain being so intense...it really does help knowing that I’m not alone in that degree of pain--not that I would ever wish this kind of pain on another living soul, but knowing that I’m not a freak, feeling SO much pain, does help, even if a small bit. I feel like I would give my right arm to have her back. I just miss her so, so, SO much, it is just such a searing hot pain. You understand. And yet there's nothing one can really do, eh? So, I'm just starting to read through others' posts...that may be perhaps the only comfort I can find. Though I do have very sympathetic friends, who love me, I just don't feel like they "get" it. Tomorrow we're going over to our best friends' house for dinner and, though they're good and loving people, I know they will not understand my grief. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story and feelings; and I am happy for you that you are having even moments/days, here and there where you’re not feeling that degree of pain. What a relief!! Perhaps you give me hope in that way?

[jaspersmom]

Hi Jaspersmom. Wow. I so completely feel what you said in your 3/5 post. I just lost Molly-Rose on 3/11, just four days ago. And yes, life seems to still be out there, going about its business, but I feel so, SO disconnected from any of it. I have NO interest in anything. Nothing. I just sit here, staring out the window, in disbelief that Molly is gone. We had her for 16 yrs and now, with her gone, it feels like life should just stop. Your describing the pain being so intense...it really does help knowing that I’m not alone in that degree of pain--not that I would ever wish this kind of pain on another living soul, but knowing that I’m not a freak, feeling SO much pain, does help, even if a small bit. I feel like I would give my right arm to have her back. I just miss her so, so, SO much, it is just such a searing hot pain. You understand. And yet there's nothing one can really do, eh? So, I'm just starting to read through others' posts...that may be perhaps the only comfort I can find. Though I do have very sympathetic friends, who love me, I just don't feel like they "get" it. Tomorrow we're going over to our best friends' house for dinner and, though they're good and loving people, I know they will not understand my grief. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story and feelings; and I am happy for you that you are having even moments/days, here and there where you’re not feeling that degree of pain. What a relief!! Perhaps you give me hope in that way?

Hi Snapdragon. First of all, I would like to tell you how very sorry I am that you had to say goodbye to your precious Molly Rose. I so feel your pain and your heartache, and I wish I could ease that for you in some way. I remember that first horrific week after I lost my Jasper as though it was yesterday. The sharp and unrelenting pain, the deep down ache and emptiness, and it just seemed as though all the color had gone out of my world, everything had turned to grey, the coldest and darkest winter of my soul. Never ever have I felt such searing pain as when I walked out of that animal hospital with that empty carrier, I really didn't feel as though I could go on. You are experiencing many of the same feelings and emotions that I went through that first nightmare week. I used to want so badly for someone to just wake me up from this awful dream. this could not be happening to me, where was my Jasper and why wasn't he here, and most of all, how in the world could I go on.

I want to try to reassure you that although I am still in the very early stages of missing my sweet boy, it does get just a tiny bit easier as time goes by, the raw pain is not as intense. There are days though that I find myself taking one step forward and two steps back, like when I found some of his little toys that he had hid under the couch, how could he just not be here anymore, and where was he. Then there were times when I would feel his presence so close, I couldn't actually touch him, but I knew without a doubt that he was there. I truly believe that they are with us still in so many ways, they know our anguish and they will do whatever it takes to break through in the smallest and subtlest of ways, to let us know they are near.

My Jasper was only seven years old and his illness took him so suddenly, that I didn't really have alot of time to say goodbye to him. But in those last few moments as I held him, as sick and hurting as he was, when he looked up at me with those beatuiful green eyes somewhat glazed over with pain, I saw so clearly a glint of recognition, he knew I was there, and he knew how much very much he was loved. I used to replay that moment and those last terrible days in my mind over and over again as though it was a movie, my thoughts just seemed to keep hitting the rewind button over and over again, I was so stuck in that awful awful place. At least now that haunting memory is starting to fade, and is being replaced by happier memories of our precious and special time together.

I so understand how you feel Snapdragon, and my heart goes out to you, that is so very hard to have to say goodbye to your beloved companion after sixteen years together. I can tell from your words how very much you love her, and how much you are hurting, I've been there and I am still there, and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my sweet boy, and the tears still come, and the littlest thing can take me back to square one again. I don't know what I would have done without this forum, and reading such understanding and compassionate words from those who are going through the same struggle as we are, although I would not wish this deep down sadness on anyone.

I can relate to your words that although your friends may be sympathetic, they just don't get it, you are so right about that. That holds so true in my case also, it just seems to me that people seem to be uncomfortable when I try to talk about Jasper to them. I wish that they could realize that he was here, he is here, he always will be here, he mattered, he was and always will be the light of my life, just as your Molly Rose is. At least now I can actually say his name now without crying, but I am still not strong enough to look at his pictures, it's funny what grief will allow you to process, isn't it. and your heart knows how much you can take.

Losing such a big piece of our life and our heart is so very very hard, it will change you and you will never be the same, but you know what Snapdragon, it will get just a bit easier as time goes by. My Jasper was an indoor kitty, but every night I find myself opening the front door and looking out, like he is out there somewhere, like I am looking for him in the darkness, but in my heart, I know where he is. I can just picture my Jasper and your Molly Rose running and playing together at this very moment, jumping and climbing on rainbows in that perfect new world, and when the time is right, they will perk up their little ears, and they will have that spark of recognition in their eyes, as they see us, then they will run to greet us, and with tears of joy, we will scoop them up in our once empty arms, knowing that we will never be separated again.

Even though he hasn't been there very long himself, I am going to send my sweet Jasper a special message to take your dear Molly Rose under his wing, and show her around the wonderful new world they are now in, and you know what Snapdragon, I bet that when you are least expecting it, one day very soon, you are going to look up into the sky and you are going to see the most beautiful rainbow ever, and you will know, without a shadow of a doubt, who it is from. Your Molly Rose knows how much she is loved, and this I believe with all my heart, true love like that never ends, it only waits.