You're Still Right Here With Me Options

[jaspersmom]

I can't believe that it has been a month since I had to say goodbye to my dear sweet cat Jasper, my precious baby and my very best friend. It feels like so much longer since my sweet boy left this world, those first few days were like a blur in some ways, as though I was detached from everything and everyone, as though I was in some very bad dream, and I just wanted so badly to wake up and pretend that this was not real, how could he not be here with me anymore. I do remember the pain being so intense, nothing I have ever felt before or ever want to feel again, and as I looked at my life, and this so called new normal through tears that would fill an ocean, I just could not understand how everything and everyone could just be going on as usual, when my whole world had come to such a sudden and devastating stop.

There have been a few changes since those first few weeks, the sharp and intense pain seems to have been replaced with an emptiness and a deep inside sadness. Those first few days were unbelievable, such an unrelenting and emotional roller coaster. Sometimes I would just totally give in to the grief and cry my eyes out, but then amidst all the emptiness and despair, something very special started to happen. I started to feel my Jasper again, he was right here beside me and his presence was so palpable, I could almost reach out and touch him, I would see fleeting shadows and glimpses of him, such a wonderful lifeline he gave me to grasp onto. One particularly difficult night, I actually felt him jump onto the bed in his favorite spot, I heard all of those four dear little paws bounce right onto the bed next to me, it is amazing that my sweet baby knew how badly I was hurting, the anguish I was in, and he broke through the bonds of this physical realm to comfort me, and to let me know that just because I can't see him or touch him, does not in any way mean that he is not here.

The instant replay and hauntingly clear images of our last few days together when he was so sick are now starting to fade, and they are slowly being replaced by little spurts of our special times together, the first time I held him, and he seemed to melt right into my lap as though he knew he was home. Our first night together when a storm was raging outside, but he was cuddled up right next to me without a care in the world, because he knew he was with his mama, and he knew he was safe. Although I can feel him here, I still cannot wait for the day until he runs to meet me, and he tells me about all of the adventures he has been having, and I long for that day when I will be able to scoop my sweet boy up in my arms, kiss his little head, and tell him how I have carried him with me in my heart every single moment of every single day.

Those first few days when I was in the deepest and darkest throes of my grief, I found a beautiful poem which really spoke to me, and I believe it was sent from above by my special little boy, always by my side, forever in my heart ... I love you Jasper.

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep,
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm fine, I'm well, I'm here.

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your arms reached out to me.
I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care,
I want to reassure you, that I am not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair,
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday,
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew,
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is almost over, I smile and watch you yawning
And say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you, and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see,
Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me.