I Lost My Bestfriend 22 Hours Ago.. Options

[Misty3618]

I am in soo much pain at the loss of my precious 4 and half year old baby boy, Itty Bitty. I cry as I type this..
I am angry at myself for not seeing the signs sooner. I am angry at the vet before yesterday who prescribed me meds that would not ever help him. I am angry at myself for not being able to get him the best treatment possible do the outrageous cost to even "attempt" to help him. I have been crying non stop for the last 22 hours. I can't think of anything but him. I miss him soo much, and always will.
He was the type of cat that always came when you called his name. Played fetch. Loved the water. Came to the washroom with me. Expected the tap to be running for him 24/7. Slept with me everyday. Loved me everyday. Everyone saw our connection and loved his personality, it was infectious, it even made them want a cat like Itty Bitty.
I still have his mother. However it's not the same affection. Itty Bitty was my boy.
I woke up this morning. waiting to trip on him. Waiting for him to follow me to the washroom. Waiting for him to play fetch, and jump on my lap with a hefty 22lbs of love!!!
I have never experienced such a pain like this. I feel so guilty, angry and sad. The vet yesterday was very understanding and compassionate and seen the love we had. Making note of how exceptional he was. She almost cried and rubbed my shoulder as I was trying to console him.She tried to ease my mind and try not to make me feel guilty about my difficult and worse decision I have ever had to make in my life, by showing me the damage afterwards. Bless her
I will say however, he usually always purred even when I just said his name. He didn't purr the last few days. Yesterday when I took him back to the vet, and there on the table, which most cats go frantic and try to get away, he purred for me as I kissed and rubbed his head. Kneading on the blanket.
I will always love Itty Bitty! RIP my sweet boy, we'll play fetch soon!

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Laura, thank you so much for sharing with us how you're doing. Please let me try to reassure you that what you are going through is very normal deep grief. Each of us can definitely relate to how you're feeling when you share with us: "I keep blaming myself for not seeing anything till it was too late." One of the many emotions that ALL of us experience when our beloved companions transition home to the angels is guilt / remorse, and it is one of the harder emotions to reconcile because it comes from looking back and trying to make sense of the events that didn't quite make sense at the time they were happening, and trying to reconcile all the "whys" and "if onlys" that haunt our hearts afterward.

Laura, our companions are very adept at disguising how they are feeling. This is a genetic trait they inherit from their wild cousins - - for any sign of illness / injury / weakness makes them vulnerable. Of course this is very little consolation to us, their human caregivers, because by the time they are no longer able to disguise how they are feeling the effects of the illness / injury have begun to take ahold of their physical bodies. As with human medicine, sometimes veterinary medicine can help to restore our companions health so that they can continue to enjoy a good quality of life. But sadly also as with human medicine, there comes a time when the only thing veterinary medicine can do for our companions is offer comfort and ease their journey homeward to the angels.

I truly wish there were an easier way to navigate this grief adjustment journey, but unfortunately there are no fast forward or delete buttons we can press to speed up the process or make it immediately disappear. But I assure you, Laura, that you are among friends here who truly do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

I hope today is treating you kindly, Laura, and that you will have a peaceful evening blessed with your beloved Itty Bitty's sweet Living Spirit to comfort you. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam