So Small, So Sweet, So Soon Options

[jaspersmom]

I can't believe that it has been only 11 days since I said goodbye to my beloved cat Jasper, it feels like so much longer, the days and nights go by so slowly without him here. I feel as though I am just going through the motions, putting one foot in front of the other, and it really does seem sometimes as though all of the color has gone out of my world. Yesterday it snowed, and I remember how he used to love to sit on the windowsill and watch the flakes fall, many times he would reach out his little paw and rest it on my arm, just to be connected to me, oh how I miss that. I still can't believe that he is not here, taken from me at such a young age. I just keep thinking about how young and healthy he was, how there was no time to prepare, how there was no time to say goodbye. It is just so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that he is no longer here with me in this physical realm, and the suddeness of it all is still so hard to deal with it. I have read about the stages of grief and I seem to go from one to the other in such random order, not sure which one I am in now, but it doesn't really matter, all I know is that it hurts, but I have learned from moon_beam's insightful words that our grief is very individual and can never be clinically categorized, it is such a personal journey, and there are no limits of time or depth of feeling to this journey. There have been times lately when I have thought of my sweet Jasper, and intermixed with the sadness and tears is a bit of a smile, so maybe the healing of my heart is beginning, I sure hope so. I know he would not want to see me so sad and I do want to one day be able to embrace the joy and love he gave me and still gives me, but I know this is going to take some time. I so miss awakening to those sweet little meows in the morning and that dear little paw on my shoulder, I don't like this new normal, it will never be normal without him.

[Gretta's Mom]

Dear Jaspers Mom,

My eyes are filling with tears as I read your posts about Jasper's homegoing. Everything you say is absolutely true. The emptiness. The abject sorrow. The crushing loneliness. The "just one more time" wishing. It all means that you and Jasper have an incredible love. And as the miracle who is MooonBeam has taught us, our beloveds do NOT just disappear and end. They continue in life as they ever were - they have just changed form. Instead of being in physical form where we could see them and hear them and touch them, as spirits we can't do any of that. But that DOES NOT make them any less real.

How well I remember the two days when I picked up the ashes of my two beautiful, senior rescued labs - Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, and Rufus, my Big Black Dog (half lab-half Newfie and ALL strength). It's sad enough when women cry but there in the lobby of the vet school was a youngish man who was cradling the ashes of his dear one and sobbing his heart out. I should have gone over and comforted him but I didn't. Whoever you are, young man, I'm sorry for that.

I cannot imaginie the suffering that cat parents go through having their babies with them for so many years. My Gretta was with me for 5 years and Rufus only 21 short months. I still cry for both of them every day. I tell them how much I miss them and thank them for choosing me and ask them for help in challenging situations. Right now there are several very serious situations going on in my life and the lives of some of my family members. I call on Rufus with his strong back to be the co-parent with me in these situations - and feel his strrength that I can lean on.

No doubt about it, when we give our hearts so thoroughly away, eventually we get to feel the agony which is the opposite side of the coin. But who would trade even one minute of the lives we had with our beloveds? And please rest secure in the knowledge that, accourding to the beliefs of most people around the world, even organizad religions, we WILL be reunited with our fur-babise again in a place that goes by variuos names - I call it the Perfect World. And then we will never have to be separated again - EVER.

Please give ma a little of your heartache and I'll carry it for today. And I know Jasper's sibling is feeling your love through his confusion, too.

Jasper sees you and loves you just like he ever did. You can count on it.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[jaspersmom]

Dear Jaspers Mom,

My eyes are filling with tears as I read your posts about Jasper's homegoing. Everything you say is absolutely true. The emptiness. The abject sorrow. The crushing loneliness. The "just one more time" wishing. It all means that you and Jasper have an incredible love. And as the miracle who is MooonBeam has taught us, our beloveds do NOT just disappear and end. They continue in life as they ever were - they have just changed form. Instead of being in physical form where we could see them and hear them and touch them, as spirits we can't do any of that. But that DOES NOT make them any less real.

How well I remember the two days when I picked up the ashes of my two beautiful, senior rescued labs - Gretta, the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived, and Rufus, my Big Black Dog (half lab-half Newfie and ALL strength). It's sad enough when women cry but there in the lobby of the vet school was a youngish man who was cradling the ashes of his dear one and sobbing his heart out. I should have gone over and comforted him but I didn't. Whoever you are, young man, I'm sorry for that.

I cannot imaginie the suffering that cat parents go through having their babies with them for so many years. My Gretta was with me for 5 years and Rufus only 21 short months. I still cry for both of them every day. I tell them how much I miss them and thank them for choosing me and ask them for help in challenging situations. Right now there are several very serious situations going on in my life and the lives of some of my family members. I call on Rufus with his strong back to be the co-parent with me in these situations - and feel his strrength that I can lean on.

No doubt about it, when we give our hearts so thoroughly away, eventually we get to feel the agony which is the opposite side of the coin. But who would trade even one minute of the lives we had with our beloveds? And please rest secure in the knowledge that, accourding to the beliefs of most people around the world, even organizad religions, we WILL be reunited with our fur-babise again in a place that goes by variuos names - I call it the Perfect World. And then we will never have to be separated again - EVER.

Please give ma a little of your heartache and I'll carry it for today. And I know Jasper's sibling is feeling your love through his confusion, too.

Jasper sees you and loves you just like he ever did. You can count on it.

Gretta and Rufus's mom,

Dear Gretta and Rufus's mom,
Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words, your post is so heartfelt and brought tears to my eyes, and you so understand what I am going through. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Gretta and Rufus, how heartbreaking that must have been for you to lose them. My Jasper was so young and very healthy and strong, never would I have ever imagined an illness taking him within three days, unbelievable, no time to prepare and no time to say goodbye. Jasper and I do have an incredible love and such a special bond, and it helped me so much to see how you spoke about my precious boy in the present tense. Sometimes in my darkest hours, I can feel him right here so close to me, and I call out his name and tell him how much I love him, and I do believe he can hear me. Saying goodbye to Jasper and walking out of that animal hospital with his empty carrier was one of the darkest days of my life, and carrying out his little casket of ashes was just unreal, it felt as though everything and everyone was in slow motion, now I know the what pure devastation feels like. I wanted so badly to be bringing my sweet boy home in his carrier, with him meowing the whole way and sticking his dear little paw out, the way he always used to do, but it wasn't meant to be. When I kissed his little head for the last time, I told him he had fought the good fight and I was so proud that he had tried so hard to hang on and stay here with me, but it was time for him to let go, and I told him how much I loved him and to wait for me, and that when the time was right, we would be together again. Thank you again Gretta and Rufus's mom for your understanding and compassion, and for offering to take and carry some of my heartache, that means so much to me, because my heart still hurts so bad, and I miss my sweet boy so very much..

[jaspersmom]

Dear Gretta and Rufus's mom,
Thank you so much for your kind and comforting words, your post is so heartfelt and brought tears to my eyes, and you so understand what I am going through. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Gretta and Rufus, how heartbreaking that must have been for you to lose them. My Jasper was so young and very healthy and strong, never would I have ever imagined an illness taking him within three days, unbelievable, no time to prepare and no time to say goodbye. Jasper and I do have an incredible love and such a special bond, and it helped me so much to see how you spoke about my precious boy in the present tense. Sometimes in my darkest hours, I can feel him right here so close to me, and I call out his name and tell him how much I love him, and I do believe he can hear me. Saying goodbye to Jasper and walking out of that animal hospital with his empty carrier was one of the darkest days of my life, and carrying out his little casket of ashes was just unreal, it felt as though everything and everyone was in slow motion, now I know the what pure devastation feels like. I wanted so badly to be bringing my sweet boy home in his carrier, with him meowing the whole way and sticking his dear little paw out, the way he always used to do, but it wasn't meant to be. When I kissed his little head for the last time, I told him he had fought the good fight and I was so proud that he had tried so hard to hang on and stay here with me, but it was time for him to let go, and I told him how much I loved him and to wait for me, and that when the time was right, we would be together again. Thank you again Gretta and Rufus's mom for your understanding and compassion, and for offering to take and carry some of my heartache, that means so much to me, because my heart still hurts so bad, and I miss my sweet boy so very much..

I thought I would share this beautiful and touching poem I found, and I can only hope it will give you all the tiniest bit of comfort from this journey of loss and pain, sometimes the sadness can be truly overwhelming.

I know that you can't see me, but trust me I'm right here
Although I'm up in Heaven, my love for you stays near
So often I see you crying, many times you call my name
I want so much to kiss your face, and ease some of your pain
I wish that I could make you see that Heaven indeed is real
If you could see me run and play, how much better you would feel
But our loving God has promised that when the time is right
You'll step out of the darkness, and meet me in the light.

[jaspersmom]

I thought I would share this beautiful and touching poem I found, and I can only hope it will give you all the tiniest bit of comfort from this journey of loss and pain, sometimes the sadness can be truly overwhelming.

I know that you can't see me, but trust me I'm right here
Although I'm up in Heaven, my love for you stays near
So often I see you crying, many times you call my name
I want so much to kiss your face, and ease some of your pain
I wish that I could make you see that Heaven indeed is real
If you could see me run and play, how much better you would feel
But our loving God has promised that when the time is right
You'll step out of the darkness, and meet me in the light.

Well here it is, almost three weeks since I lost my precious Jasper, and I am still just going through the motions, going to work, trying to stay in touch with family, but it's just different somehow. It's as though I am detached and separated from the rest of the world, the only real comfort for me is coming to this very special forum, reading all the stories, and knowing that I am not alone in this journey. It is still very difficult at work, but I do seem to be doing a bit better at holding the tears in and being pleasant with a friendly spirit, and that is a good thing since I am in a customer service position, but as the clock ticks towards the end of my shift, it is really tough and all I can think of is going home, to sink into my grief. As sad as I am when I get home, and as fast as the tears fall, there is that comfort just in writing about my sweet boy, looking at his pictures, and talking about him. It just seems as though so many people just want to discount the fact that he was ever here, perhaps they are trying to protect me from the sorrow, but he was, is, and always will be in my life, and although they mean well with their diversions and let's change the subject conversations, they need to know how important it is for me to talk about him, to keep him and that connection and special bond we have very much alive. I may not be able to see him or touch him, but that doesn't mean that he is not right here, always by my side, forever in my heart.

I used to always buy him little cat toys and he would play with them for a while, then they would disapper, well yesterday while walking by my couch, I coudn't help but notice all of those missing toys that he had put in one little pile, my sweet boy must have been saving them up for a rainy day, and it was just so bittersweet to find them. Last night while I was looking at some of Jasper's pictures, my cat Jingles sat right down by my feet and began meowing so loudly, almost frantically, as though he was trying to tell me something. Well I got up and told him, ok what are you trying to communicate to me, then he walked right over to Jasper's favorite spot where he used to lay behind the chair to get his belly rubs, and Jingles lay right down there in that very same spot, and then he all of a sudden seemed to relax and be more at peace than I have ever seen him, since that fateful day we said goodbye to his brother. I can't help but think Jasper was right here in that very spot last night, and although I may not have been able to see him, Jingles could, but I did feel him and sense his presence with his loving and joyful spirit, right there in his very favorite place. I just wish for one more moment with him, I guess that is all we would do anything for, to have one more moment in time to cherish and love them, but I guess that would never be enough, we would always want more, I know I would.