Lost My Second Baby Monday Morning 1/27 Options

[Firehawk]

I am totally distraught. I just lost my second and final dog Monday around 1am.

I adopted 2 lab/keshond mixes in 2004, just after I moved out of my mothers and into a new home. They were 4 months old when i got them from a rescue place. I fell in love with them immediately. I also remember thinking (and periodically) that I would lose them one day. And those days have now come and gone. They were sisters. Ruby and Diamond.

I lost Ruby on Dec 20, 2012 just before Christmas, completely unexpectedly. It was about 7am, I was on christmas vacation. My wife had already gone to work (she's a teacher, it was her second to last day of school). I got up and found Ruby laying in the walk-in closet, which was very strange. I said "come on Ruby let's go eat". Her sister Diamond jumped up, but Ruby didn't move, just wagged her taiil slightly. I went over and helped her get up, thinking maybe she was just teasing me or her legs were hurting or something. She stood up, stumbled down the hall, then fell over.

I panicked. I got her in the car, and the nearest ER vet is 15 minutes drive. About half way there, she died in the car. She had a bowel movement and I knew she was gone. I was DEVASTATED. The vet couldn't really say what happened, but think a mass of some kind maybe burst, or a heart attack. She was healthy, not overweight, so I don't know. But she was my first to go.

But I had Diamond still, so she got double the love. I became very overprotective of her and the next day I called to get her in for a full checkup just to be cautious. On the examination, a small growth was found near her front teeth. The vet said it looked benign but wanted to send it out anyways just in case. It came back malignant malinoma. Again, DEVASTATED. So i got her into the oncologist vet. They did a CT scan of her jaw, and gave her 3-6 months to live, even if I did a jaw surgery and put her on a malignoma vaccine. They did'nt know if it had spread but they said we caught it very early, normally it's not caught that early.

So I opted to drop the 10,000 and do all of this. They cut out a small part of her upper jaw, she lost the canine tooth up front and the 4 insicors or whatever, but otherwise you coudln't really tell she had surgery. They got good margins. They also took out her lymphnode on that side and it came back negative, so no cancer had spread. They wouldn't say she was cured, but I believe she was. I put her on a cancer diet anyways, and kept her on the expensive vaccine (booster every 6 months 600 bucks each). I cooked every meal for 7 or 8 months, chicken, sweet potatoes primarily, olive oil...etc. She loved it.

She had just been to the vet for a skin infection which she would commonly get. she was suspectible to allergies and such, ear infections most of her life. So it wasn't shocking to have these issues. But about 3-4 weeks ago she wa at the vet. No problems.

Since my first dog had died, I had grown those 'parental ears' that hear everything at night. If my dog was licking i'd wake up. Anything.

January 27 at around 1am both my wife and I woke up to her breathing really shallow and fast. It wasn't normal at all. We peaked to see her laying on her side eyes wide open, breathing like that. I immediately panicked. It brought back bad memories from my first one dying. Diamond had also pooped, which scared me because I took it as a sign of death coming. My wife is a trained professional to handle crisis situations so she did'nt panic, she just said "ok let's just get her going to the vet". Of course it's a blizzard out, 1am, nothing plowed (thanks God), and 15 minutes to the nearest emergency vet (in good weather). We hurried as fast as possible. I sat in the back with her on the way, and she was alive, her head on my lap. I just kept telling her to hold on and that i love her.

We got her there, and I rushed her into the vet. Put her on the table, and walked out. A minute or two later the vet came out and said that her heart had stopped and asked if I wanted them to do CPR. I said YES of course. Did'nt know what was going on. Another minute or two later the vet came back out and said that she's showing signs that she's gone, and they could continue but there is a lot of fluid in her abdnomen and they believe she had a mass on her spleen rupture, which is fairly common. I chose to let her go. Heartbroken.

I had her cremated and they brought her to me yesterday, in a really nice marble urn. It matches what I got for Ruby. This morning was the hardest morning of my life, becuase my routine was different. Diamond would always get up with me and sit against the chair watching me make breakfast. She'd always stay up until I left, then she would go back to bed. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am devastated, and I don't want to accept it. When I was having a major panic attack during this ordeal, I wanted to die. I wanted to go with her into death. They were my life. And I know that sounds bad because I have a wife but I had these dogs before i met my wife. 10 years. They went through alot with me over 10 years.

My wife and I don't even want to think about getting another pet. We both feel this is way too hard. Life has a way of making you accept things. Right now I don't want to accept it.

I'm in Michigan and there is still a lot of snow on the ground. I can still see Diamond's paw prints in the snow out back. We've cleaned up all of her stuff. I threw out all her meds that I had for her, we are giving the remaining food to the local shelter, and giving her beds away to family and friends. It is SOOOO hard to deal with this.

Dave

[Firehawk]

Are you talking about the King Charles spaniard? If you are, my mother is obsessed with those dogs. She has 2, and gets together with a club every now and then (25 of those dogs in one house...interesting).

Well, I 'had it out' with my wife just a little while ago about what happened last Friday when I ended up not being able to go out with her friends and just left. It's been 8 days as of today since we lost Diamond (4 days on the day I bailed from going out). My wife told me that it is abnormal to be this upset over the loss of an animal, and while she isn't 'over' the loss of Diamond, she is able to function just fine and not dwell on it. And she also said I'm the only one she's ever seen that got this upset and wasn't back to functioning regularly within 1-2 days. I told her I was bothered by the fact she put on a happy face with her friends as though everything was back to normal. Her response was that it wasn't 'putting on a happy face', and that she was happy to be out with friends and wasn't hiding anything.

So basically she is making me feel like this is an atypical reaction to the death of my pets. Also she thinks it is concerning that when I referred to my dogs as "like my children". She thinks it isn't fair to say that because you can't compare animals to children. I told her from my standpoint, not having kids, all I know is having my dogs and that's the closest thing to me to having my own kids. She thinks it's an odd comparison.

She said I seem to have changed from being upset to being mad because I was 'snippy' with her over the weekend. She thinks I am suffering from depression. I don't know. I think this is my normal way of grieving. I will admit that I've been down about not having my dogs anymore. After all, I had them for the past 9+ yrs and lost both in a shocking manner. And yes while they are 'just dogs', they weren't just dogs to me. I am kind of surprised she is talking like this because she is an animal lover. I guess she just compartmentalizes things better than me in her mind. I can't shut it off like that.

Today I am feeling better than I was. I guess I'm starting to accept it, but it is still tough to come home and not see my dog here, and when I get up to not see Diamond sitting, watching me. Why is that abnormal? It's only been 8 days.

I know that all pet owners don't grieve the same way. Some can move on quicker than others. Some get new pets right away, maybe to ease the pain, maybe because they move on just that quick.

I don't like change, never did, never will. I like routine. I'm a creature of habit. So when anything changes, it automatically disturbs my way about things. When there are major changes, it upsets me more. But these were my babies...and apparently, that's a weird thing to say. I don't think so, but that's what my wife thinks. So, I'm not getting much support apparently from home.