Lost My Second Baby Monday Morning 1/27 Options

[Firehawk]

I am totally distraught. I just lost my second and final dog Monday around 1am.

I adopted 2 lab/keshond mixes in 2004, just after I moved out of my mothers and into a new home. They were 4 months old when i got them from a rescue place. I fell in love with them immediately. I also remember thinking (and periodically) that I would lose them one day. And those days have now come and gone. They were sisters. Ruby and Diamond.

I lost Ruby on Dec 20, 2012 just before Christmas, completely unexpectedly. It was about 7am, I was on christmas vacation. My wife had already gone to work (she's a teacher, it was her second to last day of school). I got up and found Ruby laying in the walk-in closet, which was very strange. I said "come on Ruby let's go eat". Her sister Diamond jumped up, but Ruby didn't move, just wagged her taiil slightly. I went over and helped her get up, thinking maybe she was just teasing me or her legs were hurting or something. She stood up, stumbled down the hall, then fell over.

I panicked. I got her in the car, and the nearest ER vet is 15 minutes drive. About half way there, she died in the car. She had a bowel movement and I knew she was gone. I was DEVASTATED. The vet couldn't really say what happened, but think a mass of some kind maybe burst, or a heart attack. She was healthy, not overweight, so I don't know. But she was my first to go.

But I had Diamond still, so she got double the love. I became very overprotective of her and the next day I called to get her in for a full checkup just to be cautious. On the examination, a small growth was found near her front teeth. The vet said it looked benign but wanted to send it out anyways just in case. It came back malignant malinoma. Again, DEVASTATED. So i got her into the oncologist vet. They did a CT scan of her jaw, and gave her 3-6 months to live, even if I did a jaw surgery and put her on a malignoma vaccine. They did'nt know if it had spread but they said we caught it very early, normally it's not caught that early.

So I opted to drop the 10,000 and do all of this. They cut out a small part of her upper jaw, she lost the canine tooth up front and the 4 insicors or whatever, but otherwise you coudln't really tell she had surgery. They got good margins. They also took out her lymphnode on that side and it came back negative, so no cancer had spread. They wouldn't say she was cured, but I believe she was. I put her on a cancer diet anyways, and kept her on the expensive vaccine (booster every 6 months 600 bucks each). I cooked every meal for 7 or 8 months, chicken, sweet potatoes primarily, olive oil...etc. She loved it.

She had just been to the vet for a skin infection which she would commonly get. she was suspectible to allergies and such, ear infections most of her life. So it wasn't shocking to have these issues. But about 3-4 weeks ago she wa at the vet. No problems.

Since my first dog had died, I had grown those 'parental ears' that hear everything at night. If my dog was licking i'd wake up. Anything.

January 27 at around 1am both my wife and I woke up to her breathing really shallow and fast. It wasn't normal at all. We peaked to see her laying on her side eyes wide open, breathing like that. I immediately panicked. It brought back bad memories from my first one dying. Diamond had also pooped, which scared me because I took it as a sign of death coming. My wife is a trained professional to handle crisis situations so she did'nt panic, she just said "ok let's just get her going to the vet". Of course it's a blizzard out, 1am, nothing plowed (thanks God), and 15 minutes to the nearest emergency vet (in good weather). We hurried as fast as possible. I sat in the back with her on the way, and she was alive, her head on my lap. I just kept telling her to hold on and that i love her.

We got her there, and I rushed her into the vet. Put her on the table, and walked out. A minute or two later the vet came out and said that her heart had stopped and asked if I wanted them to do CPR. I said YES of course. Did'nt know what was going on. Another minute or two later the vet came back out and said that she's showing signs that she's gone, and they could continue but there is a lot of fluid in her abdnomen and they believe she had a mass on her spleen rupture, which is fairly common. I chose to let her go. Heartbroken.

I had her cremated and they brought her to me yesterday, in a really nice marble urn. It matches what I got for Ruby. This morning was the hardest morning of my life, becuase my routine was different. Diamond would always get up with me and sit against the chair watching me make breakfast. She'd always stay up until I left, then she would go back to bed. I don't know how to deal with this.

I am devastated, and I don't want to accept it. When I was having a major panic attack during this ordeal, I wanted to die. I wanted to go with her into death. They were my life. And I know that sounds bad because I have a wife but I had these dogs before i met my wife. 10 years. They went through alot with me over 10 years.

My wife and I don't even want to think about getting another pet. We both feel this is way too hard. Life has a way of making you accept things. Right now I don't want to accept it.

I'm in Michigan and there is still a lot of snow on the ground. I can still see Diamond's paw prints in the snow out back. We've cleaned up all of her stuff. I threw out all her meds that I had for her, we are giving the remaining food to the local shelter, and giving her beds away to family and friends. It is SOOOO hard to deal with this.

Dave

[moon_beam]

Hi, Dave, please permit me to offer you my sincerest sympathies in the physical losses of your beloved Ruby and Diamond. Losing a companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we are blessed with the privilege of their company. Losing two companions in a short period of time intensifies the grief.

Dave, this grief journey is one of the most painful experiences you will know on this side of eterinty. It is a journey that is filled with many different emotions that can overwhelm us all at one time - - it is a journey that is frequently referred to as a horror roller coaster ride. It is a journey that cannot be reconciled in a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, or even 6 months - - for you are now on a journey that is filled with all the first withouts, and the memories that can be all too painful right now that include "this time yesterday, last week, last month, last year" to endure. It is a journey that can only be traveled one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time in your own way and in your own time, but it is a journey that you do not travel alone for each of us here do understand what you are going through, and we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us.

Dave, this journey is not one of "acceptance" but rather one of "adjustment to" the physical absence of your beloved Ruby and Diamond. Words like "acceptance", "moving on", "closure", etc., were developed in the clinical bereavement jargon in the 1970's, 1980's, when hospice services were starting here in the United States. However, even the clinical professionals are now recognizing that there is no such thing as "acceptance" and "closure" to events in our lives that are traumatic - - and losing a beloved companion, or multiple beloved companions, qualifies as a life changing traumatic event.

When we embrace our companions into our hearts, our lives are changed are for the better. They literally become the center of our universe and our daily routines revolve around their every need - - medical, physical, and emotional. They are dependent upon us for their every need. They give to us their unconditional love and undivided attention, and we in turn surrender ourselves to them without fear of rejection. When they precede us to the angels our lives are changed again. We are faced with the enormous task of "re-inventing" our lives and establishing "new normals" that no longer include the daily routines and needs of our beloved companions. This is a very painful adjustment -- both emotionally and physically - - and it is an adjustment that can only be made one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time, in your own way and in your own time.

But there is one thing that NEVER changes, Dave, and that is the eternal love you and your beloved Ruby and Diamond share. Love is eternal - - it is not restricted to the physical laws of time and space. Your beloved Ruby's and Diamond's sweet Living Spirits continue to share your earthly journey now as they always have and always will, for they are always and forever a part of your heart and memories, Dave - - they are always and forever a heartbeat close to you.

Dave, there is no doubt you did everything in your power to give your beloved Ruby and Diamond a happy and healthy earthly journey. Some people find it helpful to put away their beloved companion's things to help ease the painful reminders that their companions are no longer physically with them. When it comes to donating items, sometimes it is better to wait until after the deep grief eases so that you can better decide what you want to donate and what you would like to keep. But only you and your wife can truly know what is best for you to do.

I do so know from first hand experience that when our hearts are entrenched in deep grief there really are no adequate words in any language that can soothe the seering pain of sorrow. Still I hope the words I share with you will offer you some measure of comfort, support, encouragement, and hope as you travel your grief adjustment journey.

Thank you so very much for sharing your beloved Ruby and Diamond with us, Dave. Perhaps sometime you would like to share a picture of them with us - - but only when / if you want to. Please know you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Firehawk]

Thanks for the response. I'm reading your post at work and I'm fighting back the tears. It's so hard to get through this.

I tried to upload some pictures from my phone but the images are too big. I will do that when I get home later, from the desktop computer. I don't know that I'll ever accept that they are gone, but life has a way of forcing us to move on. I don't think i 100% ever got over my first dog's death a year ago. I still am up at night upset about it on occasion, but not as intense as I was at first. This morning was very hard. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of my dogs.

It is going to take awhile to adjust to new routines like you said.