Li Po And Me, Pronounced Lee Po Options

[Tess]

Hi everyone,

Since I could walk. I have preferred animals to humans.
And as long I have lived on this planet, given the nature of the homo sapiens I have observed and lived with, this preference has only intensified.

So here I am now having to say goodbye to my best friend and in some ways, by my standards my only friend.
I live in a remote area in the midst of cultures which I cannot call like-minded. I foolishly left my home in Colorado to try something new 20 yrs ago and now am stuck in this place I don’t like much due to finances and health concerns.
I have been in chronic pain for 18 long years and have become a recluse due to this illness and also due to issues mentioned above.

My greatly diminished life became more bearable when I got my little buddy. Li Po. I didn’t know he was congenitally blind in one eye until he had an accident involving another dog and lost the sight in his good eye.
So here we are, the two of us, joined at the hip and joined in every other way, heart and soul.

Maybe it’s not a wise thing, to put so much love and life into just one other being. I have other animals so it’s not exactly that but given our mutual handicaps, we have bonded so tightly we can read each others’ thoughts.

About 9 mo. ago he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. We have kept him in the best health we could with medications, diet and exercise but now he is going down hill .
It’s a horrible sound, that coughing that this illness causes and he is not getting much relief at this point. Had to bring him in to the vet yesterday to ask what to expect now in these last days.

Up until a few days ago, his spirits were good but now I can see that he is sometimes faltering.
His tail goes down and he’s starting to wonder...
As long as he was happy I was good with it but now, I don’t want his last days to be bad ones.
So I’m carefully watching for clues about when ....

I know that I am not alone here wondering what in the world I will do without him.
I can’t even imagine it.
I’m scared because there’s not much else around that I cherish.
I love everything about him, Just having his softness and doggy smells around me at night when I wake up is such a privilege.
Being able to care for him at all has been a privilege.

Here is this furry being who’s only desire is to be with me and I have to let him go.
I keep telling him that we will always be together but I don’t really believe it myself because I don’t believe in much myself. I don’t necessarily believe Li Po is going to be with angels. I would like to believe that. It would be comforting. Of course I don’t NOT believe it either. I just don’t know.
I do know that he will be in my heart always.

Once someone asked me, “What do you really know?””
The only thing I could come up with is that I surely know is how much I love my animals.

As I said, I’m scared to be without him because it is such an unknown. I don’t trust myself not to fall apart.
I have studied Buddhism and I can self-talk myself into a certain philosophical detachment but my connection with hum is so visceral, that seems to transcend any self talk I can manage.

I just needed to come here and tell you guys how scared I feel.

[Tess]

Life goes on with the adjustments around the sick dog and the sick me.

Time passes and we don't notice either ourselves or our beloveds slipping into to more weakness and being able to do less.
Then you have these little wake up calls.

Last night, I woke up and Po who always sleeps right next to me stirs. I hear him wheezing and it sounds like he was starting to cough.
So he starts to cough and it turns into this horrible shrieking, screaming. I know it didn't last long. Of course I don't know what happened but that screaming was so intense I thought my heart was going to stop. I couldn't catch my breath.
I was screaming for my husband to come in but of course no one knew what to do.

LiPo was so scared himself that he let loose and peed my brand new mattress.
I am going after it with baking soda. Any other clues on getting dog pee out of a foam mattress would be appreciated.

I hope you all are well. Okay with where you are and taking good comfort in your best buddies.