The Night My Beloved Boogie Died... Options

[Pamela S.]

Our cherished Amazon of 25 years, Boogie, passed away on 10/17/13 and I can't stop crying. My husband and I are completely devastated. Even though Boogie was not feeling well recently (the vet diagnosed it as an unspecified liver problem), he continued to behave normally, so his passing was quite unexpected. Whenever he did display any rare signs of illness, he always recovered so quickly that we just thought he would bounce back again as usual. I can count on one hand the times Boogie actually became ill over the past 25 years, but one day this past September he became alarmingly droopy, weak and off-balance, and it took hours for him to return to normal. That's when I took him to the vet and found out there was a problem with his liver. The vet couldn't be sure what the exact problem might have been without further, more stressful tests, which he recommended against, so he simply prescribed some meds for Boogie in hopes that it would clear up whatever was bothering him. There was never a thought that his illness might be life-threatening. In the meantime, it also never occurred to us that our bird was getting older. We just assumed he would be with us for a very long time to come. We've shared our home with many different animals over the years (we just lost a special-needs bunny of 8 years a few weeks ago), but we always assumed Boogie would be the one to outlive them all. I don't even know if I noticed he was slowing down a little bit and sleeping more than he used to. Maybe I just didn't want to notice it. He seemed so happy and normal, and giving Boogie the meds (3 different liquids twice a day) was torturous to both him and me. It was extremely traumatic and he hated it. He would gag and sneeze when I managed to get any down his throat, but most of the pink sticky mess would end up on my clothes, his feathers and the walls, so I decided to focus on his diet and lay off the meds for awhile. I checked online and his symptoms seemed to indicate that he might be suffering with fatty liver disease, so I purchased specially formulated parrot food for him and made sure he had only low protein, low fat, low starch and low sugar fruits and veggies. He had only 2 very minor relapses over the past few weeks, but bounced back almost immediately. Everything seemed to be going well, until he had a more serious relapse that took him over an hour to recover from, but still he returned to normal and we just chalked it up to his liver ailment. I tried one more time to give him some meds, but that was as disastrous as before. On his last day, October 17th, Boogie was up to usual antics, but as late afternoon approached, he seemed to be getting tired and off-balance. By that evening, he was in a full relapse, so I held him in my lap as I had always done in the past until he recovered. As the hours passed, he rallied a few times, and I was definitely worried, but I thought all would be well. I'll never know if it was due to his age or his liver, but my poor little bird just couldn't bounce back this time. He died in my arms late that night.

It was my husband who decades ago wanted a parrot, but for whatever reason, Boogie had bonded with me, so I'm having a particularly difficult time dealing with his death. The bird and I built a very special relationship over the next 25 years that I cannot fully describe in words. He was a part of me. He was my constant companion around the house, and now I just feel an enormous hole in my life. No matter what I did on a daily basis (cleaning, cooking, relaxing...absolutely everything), he was there on my shoulder. When my husband and I argued, my little Boogie was there to soothe my nerves. When we planned an evening out, we had to be home as soon as possible to make sure Boogie didn't have to spend an extra moment in his cage. Our lives literally revolved around our bird, but we loved him so much it was a joy, not a hardship. Boogie had a love/hate relationship with my husband since he was considered an "intruder" by our parrot, but they shared many special moments together as well.

I am overwhelmed by despair at the unfairness of my bird being taken from me, and guilt that I should have or could have done more for him. He was my life and I don't know how to go on without my Boogie.

[Gretta's Mom]

Oh Pamela

My heart is sorrowing with you at the passing of your dear, darling Boogie. Twenty five years is the better part of a lifetime. After losing two dogs after only a few years together, I cannot imagine what a loss after a love-life of twenty five years together must be like. Please know that the many many people here on Lightning Strike are all sorrowing with you.

Pamela, it's only been two week since you received the shock of your life. You're in the shock-and-awe period - when you feel like someone has taken a high-powered rifle, aimed it directly at your heart and shot it to pieces. During this horrible time there are really only two states your heart can be in - suffering the unbelievable pain of being totally shattered - or - collapsing with numbness because your body and soul can only stand so much pain.

This terrible period can seem interminable, every minute like and hour, every day like a year. You have absolutely NO task that you HAVE to do during this time except to keep exhaling after you inhale - that's all. Anything else is a heroic extra. This suffering will ever so slowly lift. You won't even notice it. And while it is still with you, please take extra special care of yourself. Move slowly. Rest. Cry. Curl up in a ball. Anything you have to do to protect yourself.

We grieve in proportion as we love - and your suffering, even though it cannot even be described to someone who has not been through such a loss - also shows how deep your love for Boogie is - NOT "was". Boogie is still alive in the universe - but now as a spirit. He can see you, hear you, perch on your shoulder, watch over you, and most importantly, keep on sharing the love you two have always shared. But we people,, when we cannot see or heer or feel or otherwise sense something say it does not exist. This is NOT true. You and Boogie are universal soul-mates - shsaring parts of each others' souls. When Boogie went back home to the Perfect World from which he came, he took with hima piece of your heart - and he left you a piece of his. it is, as you said, absolutely true - there IS a hole in your heart. It is the piece that Boogie took with him and will nourish and cherish forever. You have a piece of his soul in you to nourish and cherish, too. And someday, when you enter the spirit world, you will be united with Boogie and will exchange the soul-pieces and be whole once again - this time forever - without end.

Some people say the sadness and grief is gradually replaced with happy memories, but if this is true I am here to testify that it must take a whole lot longer than three years - the time since I lost my Gretta - the kindest chocolate lab who ever lived. Meanwhile all your Lightning Strike brothers and sisters are here to care for you and encourage you - to listen when you need to talk, to understand when you need to rage, to wipe away your tears when you remember dear Boogie and miss his with all your heart, to share stories of their beloved soul-mates and to join hands with you in a circle of very special people - those with animal soul-mates.

Please don't make any hasty decisions during this time of crisis, Pamela. Especially major one about moving. It's WAY more than you can physically do right now. Some people say to wait for at least a year before making a major change. I believe that. And, like MoonBeam says, there is absolutely NO need to change a thing in Boogie's room right now. I still have my dog's food-and-water station set up, and the basket of their toys is still where it ever was. Their big orthopedic dog bed is still in the living room covered with quilts. Even then snow sweaters and dog boots are still in their box in the closet.

Thank you for sharing Precious Boogie's life with us. It is an honor for all your Lightning Strike brother and sisters to share him and his life with you. Write anytime about anything - big or small. Everyone here knows the suffering and everyone is loving and supportive to our LS brothers and sisters.

Blessings to you and your husband ... and Boogie in the Perfect World.

Gretta and Rufus's mom

[Pamela S.]

Dear Gretta's Mom,

Your reply really touched me deeply. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I know everyone here has suffered the loss of their wonderful animal companions. Please accept my sympanthies for the passing of your Gretta and Rufus. You are correct that it does seem like a lifetime after 25 years. I look back at all the changes that have occurred over that time and how Boogie was there every step of the way. It's overwhelming to say the least. My husband and I do feel a continuing sense of shock and disbelief that he's gone. We never had children, so my husband has been saying lately that Boogie was our son. Since he could communicate with us and required constant attention, Boogie really was like a feathered 2-year-old child who just never grew up. Without a doubt, this is the worst personal tragedy we have ever experienced.