My Sweet Girl, Vienna Options

[TaraG]

This is my sweet baby girl, Vienna. She was born on February 21, 2004 and I lost her on August 31, 2013. She was my best friend, constant companion and protector for 8 years and one week, since I got her from a Sheltie rescue organization. I got her the weekend before I started grad school and she got me through that as well as many other hard times. More importantly, she gave me joy every day of her too short time with me.

The people who had her originally didn't want her because she barked a lot and was high strung...as Shelties often are. I think she was mistreated. But we lived alone so I was able to minimize the things that caused her stress.

I loved her more than I could've imagined. I treated her very well and was conscious every day how lucky I was to have her. She was definitely queen of the house...and that was fine with me.

Here are the things I'll remember most about her:

• How she crossed her paws in front of her when she lay down
• How she loved to play on the bed
• How she'd put a paw on my leg when I wasn't paying enough attention to her
• How her head would pop up above the edge of my bed...or above my iPad when I was reading...when she wanted attention
• How her rear end swayed when she trotted to my back door to go out
• How much she loved chasing squirrels...but never caught one
• How she'd stare intently at me while I was trying to watch TV or read
• How she was always here to be hugged when I had a bad day or bad things happened
• How she'd lay down in any soft grass if I stood in one place for more than a few seconds when we went for a walk
• How she loved to go to my neighbor’s house to get treats
• How excited she got when I got the leash out
• How she used to put her paws on my shoulders or swat me in the nose with her paw to show me who was the boss (she obviously was)
• How joyful she was when she got to roll in something nasty
• How much she loved walking in water...particularly in Oak Park (I wish there would've been water in the creek when I took her there a few weeks ago)
• How she'd sleep under my legs when it was cold
• How she’d lay in the back yard, looking beautiful and perfectly content

Vienna got really sick with pancreatitis on Wednesday, August 28. She started throwing up every 30 minutes or so during the night. Even though she'd had this before, I had no idea how sick she was until the morning. I laid on the floor with her, waiting for the vet to open, and thought she was going to die right there. I wish I had thought to take her to the emergency vet...but she'd had this before and came through it very well. When I took her to the vet, I thought I'd get her back after a couple of days...so did he. But every day, he called with worse news. She just wasn't responding to treatments. On Friday, August 30, when I thought I'd be bringing her home, he called to tell me she needed to be taken to the emergency vet for more intensive treatment. The emergency vet tried a number of things that should've turned things around, but she was so sick her organs had started shutting down. Every time I saw her, she was worse. I was hopeful the treatment would work. But after her first day at the emergency vet, I woke up early that morning with a clear sense that I'd have to let her go that day. I prayed that they'd give me good news and that my feeling was wrong, but it wasn't so. The vet told me that she was suffering and the inflammation had gotten so bad they couldn't turn it around.

When they brought Vienna in for the last time, it was clear beyond any doubt that I had to let her go. I can't even bring myself to call it anything else. All I wanted was for her to be well and come home with me. But I made the only decision I could and my mom was there with me as Vienna died in my arms. She was so sick I was begging her to let go. I kissed her head the way she liked as she lost consciousness.

I know her suffering is over and the pain will lessen for me at some point. But I feel so empty and lost. My house feels dark and lonely. I can't believe my baby girl is gone. One day she was happy and healthy...a few days later, she was gone. It's inconceivable. I loved her so much and will never forget her.

[TaraG]

It's been exactly 2 weeks since I took Vienna to the vet after a horrible night of her vomiting every hour. Although I try not to feel guilty about it, I just keep wishing I'd have understood how serious it was and took her to the emergency vet much earlier. But I don't think my vet realized how serious it was either and, two days later, when I did take her to the emergency vet, her body had started shutting down. It's still hard to believe she's really gone. For some reason I have this sense that this is temporary...like she'll be back from the vet soon. Then the reality hits and I start crying again. . But it seems to be getting better day by day even though I think I have a long way to go before I'll feel ok.

I know I never took Vienna for granted. I knew how important she was to me and that it would be a huge loss if she weren't with me. But I'm constantly struck by what a big hole this has left...even in the smallest of things I do. She used to lay in the bathroom on the cool tile. I've found myself feeling this kind of excitement when I go into the bathroom because I'm anticipating seeing her. And then I realize she's not going to be there. Walking up to my back door, where she'd always jump on me from the top step, takes my breath away when I realize she's not on the other side. In general, I feel like I've lost the thing that gave me confidence and strength in this world. I'm a successful person who's physically strong...but I feel totally unsure of myself without her at home waiting for me. Like I've been unmoored from my dock and am just drifting.

Part of what's difficult is that I'm grieving for the life I had with her. I was really happy and she was my partner in this good life. I live in Kansas which tends to be incredibly hot in the summer. This past summer, we've had much cooler weather. So I took Vienna for a lot of walks. While we were walking, I'd just be struck by how good life is. Now I don't even want to walk the block to my friend's house because it was Vienna's favorite place to go (because they gave her a treat every time). And I used to come home from my kickboxing class in the evenings and sit with Vienna at my feet. That also made me think what a good life I had. Now I can't imagine feeling that way for a long time...and I'm dreading going back to kickboxing tonight because I won't have that same comforting experience with Vienna when I get home.

I'm just rambling because even if no one reads this, it helps me work through this. But another thing on my mind is how I feel myself moving toward getting another dog...probably too soon. I got Vienna almost exactly one month after my previous dog, Keith, died. He was 15 and had had cancer for about 6 months. So it may have been a little different in that I was somewhat prepared. But he was my partner as well. So even then I knew I may have been rushing things. But the outcome was so good. I couldn't have had a better new friend than Vienna. So I'm struggling with the desire to honor her and work through the grief fully...and this idea of how comforting another dog would be. I think I need to hold steady awhile longer. While I plan to get a rescued dog, I have to keep telling myself that I don't have to "save" one right now. I think I'd feel guilty if I move too quickly.

So that's where I am right now. Thankfully I have people who've been understanding and supportive through this. And this forum helps tremendously. I cry too hard when I have to speak to someone about Vienna. It's good to have this opportunity to give voice to my feelings in a way that allows me to say everything needed. Thanks to all.