My Sweet Girl, Vienna Options

[TaraG]

This is my sweet baby girl, Vienna. She was born on February 21, 2004 and I lost her on August 31, 2013. She was my best friend, constant companion and protector for 8 years and one week, since I got her from a Sheltie rescue organization. I got her the weekend before I started grad school and she got me through that as well as many other hard times. More importantly, she gave me joy every day of her too short time with me.

The people who had her originally didn't want her because she barked a lot and was high strung...as Shelties often are. I think she was mistreated. But we lived alone so I was able to minimize the things that caused her stress.

I loved her more than I could've imagined. I treated her very well and was conscious every day how lucky I was to have her. She was definitely queen of the house...and that was fine with me.

Here are the things I'll remember most about her:

• How she crossed her paws in front of her when she lay down
• How she loved to play on the bed
• How she'd put a paw on my leg when I wasn't paying enough attention to her
• How her head would pop up above the edge of my bed...or above my iPad when I was reading...when she wanted attention
• How her rear end swayed when she trotted to my back door to go out
• How much she loved chasing squirrels...but never caught one
• How she'd stare intently at me while I was trying to watch TV or read
• How she was always here to be hugged when I had a bad day or bad things happened
• How she'd lay down in any soft grass if I stood in one place for more than a few seconds when we went for a walk
• How she loved to go to my neighbor’s house to get treats
• How excited she got when I got the leash out
• How she used to put her paws on my shoulders or swat me in the nose with her paw to show me who was the boss (she obviously was)
• How joyful she was when she got to roll in something nasty
• How much she loved walking in water...particularly in Oak Park (I wish there would've been water in the creek when I took her there a few weeks ago)
• How she'd sleep under my legs when it was cold
• How she’d lay in the back yard, looking beautiful and perfectly content

Vienna got really sick with pancreatitis on Wednesday, August 28. She started throwing up every 30 minutes or so during the night. Even though she'd had this before, I had no idea how sick she was until the morning. I laid on the floor with her, waiting for the vet to open, and thought she was going to die right there. I wish I had thought to take her to the emergency vet...but she'd had this before and came through it very well. When I took her to the vet, I thought I'd get her back after a couple of days...so did he. But every day, he called with worse news. She just wasn't responding to treatments. On Friday, August 30, when I thought I'd be bringing her home, he called to tell me she needed to be taken to the emergency vet for more intensive treatment. The emergency vet tried a number of things that should've turned things around, but she was so sick her organs had started shutting down. Every time I saw her, she was worse. I was hopeful the treatment would work. But after her first day at the emergency vet, I woke up early that morning with a clear sense that I'd have to let her go that day. I prayed that they'd give me good news and that my feeling was wrong, but it wasn't so. The vet told me that she was suffering and the inflammation had gotten so bad they couldn't turn it around.

When they brought Vienna in for the last time, it was clear beyond any doubt that I had to let her go. I can't even bring myself to call it anything else. All I wanted was for her to be well and come home with me. But I made the only decision I could and my mom was there with me as Vienna died in my arms. She was so sick I was begging her to let go. I kissed her head the way she liked as she lost consciousness.

I know her suffering is over and the pain will lessen for me at some point. But I feel so empty and lost. My house feels dark and lonely. I can't believe my baby girl is gone. One day she was happy and healthy...a few days later, she was gone. It's inconceivable. I loved her so much and will never forget her.

[Scarlett's M...]

Tara,

I remember taking home Scarlett's paw print... and I remember we took home her ashes the following day. At the time they were reminders of our harsh reality. Now, I find myself laying my hand on her paw print saying "I love You" and we are now happy to have her ashes - happy she is home with us - in any form.

Just like you we "continue to harbor hope that something would fix our baby" and continue to question our decisions and mini-decisions even though we know none of this will bring her back.

I, like you, had many losses in my life. Both my mom and dad died when they each were 28 years old. Each passed one year after the other, my dad was murdered and then a year later my mom died from Lung Cancer. My brother and I thought we each wouldn't live past 28... and when we both out lived our parents at 29 it was shocking but their deaths are a constant reminder to us to live life to the fullest.

I firmly believe that everything in life happens to teach us how to LIVE, I continue to try to understand Scarlett's death from this prospective. And I am trying to stay open for those answers to come... but then, just as I think I've moved from my deep grief emotions will come without warning and I am sobbing for our baby girl once again. This sorrow is a testament to their lives, a tribute to all they brought to our lives. And what an honor that is - right - they had and continue to have such a profound effect on our lives.

I just read the reply you wrote to me and wanted to thank you for taking the time to write back. While the images do continue to come they are coming less and less. Thankfully.
It makes sense that the images are a form of PTSD, never thought of that. I try to remain present and focus on my breath when they do come.

I hope today is treating you well and I continue to send you healing energy.