My Sweet Girl, Vienna Options

[TaraG]

This is my sweet baby girl, Vienna. She was born on February 21, 2004 and I lost her on August 31, 2013. She was my best friend, constant companion and protector for 8 years and one week, since I got her from a Sheltie rescue organization. I got her the weekend before I started grad school and she got me through that as well as many other hard times. More importantly, she gave me joy every day of her too short time with me.

The people who had her originally didn't want her because she barked a lot and was high strung...as Shelties often are. I think she was mistreated. But we lived alone so I was able to minimize the things that caused her stress.

I loved her more than I could've imagined. I treated her very well and was conscious every day how lucky I was to have her. She was definitely queen of the house...and that was fine with me.

Here are the things I'll remember most about her:

• How she crossed her paws in front of her when she lay down
• How she loved to play on the bed
• How she'd put a paw on my leg when I wasn't paying enough attention to her
• How her head would pop up above the edge of my bed...or above my iPad when I was reading...when she wanted attention
• How her rear end swayed when she trotted to my back door to go out
• How much she loved chasing squirrels...but never caught one
• How she'd stare intently at me while I was trying to watch TV or read
• How she was always here to be hugged when I had a bad day or bad things happened
• How she'd lay down in any soft grass if I stood in one place for more than a few seconds when we went for a walk
• How she loved to go to my neighbor’s house to get treats
• How excited she got when I got the leash out
• How she used to put her paws on my shoulders or swat me in the nose with her paw to show me who was the boss (she obviously was)
• How joyful she was when she got to roll in something nasty
• How much she loved walking in water...particularly in Oak Park (I wish there would've been water in the creek when I took her there a few weeks ago)
• How she'd sleep under my legs when it was cold
• How she’d lay in the back yard, looking beautiful and perfectly content

Vienna got really sick with pancreatitis on Wednesday, August 28. She started throwing up every 30 minutes or so during the night. Even though she'd had this before, I had no idea how sick she was until the morning. I laid on the floor with her, waiting for the vet to open, and thought she was going to die right there. I wish I had thought to take her to the emergency vet...but she'd had this before and came through it very well. When I took her to the vet, I thought I'd get her back after a couple of days...so did he. But every day, he called with worse news. She just wasn't responding to treatments. On Friday, August 30, when I thought I'd be bringing her home, he called to tell me she needed to be taken to the emergency vet for more intensive treatment. The emergency vet tried a number of things that should've turned things around, but she was so sick her organs had started shutting down. Every time I saw her, she was worse. I was hopeful the treatment would work. But after her first day at the emergency vet, I woke up early that morning with a clear sense that I'd have to let her go that day. I prayed that they'd give me good news and that my feeling was wrong, but it wasn't so. The vet told me that she was suffering and the inflammation had gotten so bad they couldn't turn it around.

When they brought Vienna in for the last time, it was clear beyond any doubt that I had to let her go. I can't even bring myself to call it anything else. All I wanted was for her to be well and come home with me. But I made the only decision I could and my mom was there with me as Vienna died in my arms. She was so sick I was begging her to let go. I kissed her head the way she liked as she lost consciousness.

I know her suffering is over and the pain will lessen for me at some point. But I feel so empty and lost. My house feels dark and lonely. I can't believe my baby girl is gone. One day she was happy and healthy...a few days later, she was gone. It's inconceivable. I loved her so much and will never forget her.

[TaraG]

Hi Scarlett's mom and dad -
Thank you so much. I read your story as well. At the time, I was still so devastated about Vienna I felt like I couldn't even post anything for the benefit of others. But my heart goes out to you as well. I'm sure you were like me and continued to harbor hope that something would fix your baby. At this point, it doesn't help me that much to know that there was nothing I could do but give her the final act of love of helping her pass. But it's so hard to not dwell on all of the things I wish I would've done differently before...and maybe one of those things would've changed the course of her life. It's such magical thinking but I guess it's just a stage of grief. I had the same kind of thoughts when my grandmother was killed when I was many, many years younger. As silly as it was, because my grandmother was murdered, I thought if I'd only eaten something different the day before, or worn something different, etc. in hinsight, thats so silly. But the strange thoughts and similar pain are as present with Vienna's death as much as with my grandmother's. Didnt mean to digress...but getting the wrong diagnosis must fuel similar thoughts of "if only." I know we both did the best we possibly could for our dogs, much better than many humans would do. but I'm definitely feeling how grief makes you think somehow you could've done better. And how much you wish you had another chance to do so.

It's getting better for me although I still have at least one meltdown a day. It helped a lot to get Vienna's ashes and footprint yesterday because I feel like she's home now. At least I don't feel like I've left her alone with people who may have cared about her but whom she wouldn't have preferred to be with. She was a one person dog and she spent her last 5 days with strangers. I know I have to let that go. But I know that made things even worse for her.

I definitely agree that this site, as well as the support I've received from friends and even acquaintances on Facebook, have been about the only thing to help me get through these long, lonely days. What I appreciate about the support here is that I know others feel exactly the same about their pets as I did. And you understand the depth of the pain and emptiness. I'm dreading Saturday morning because that's when she passed. I don't know how I'll fill my time that day because I don't want to be distracted by other tasks. I want to be able to cry and remember her. But I know it'll be tough regardless of who I'm with or what I do.

My heart and heartfelt thanks go out to you and everyone else on this site because you're experiencing the same pain but being so kind at the same time. I learn something valuable from every post and am comforted by the thoughtfulness of others who care so much for their own beloved pets.

Thanks again and I'll keep you in my thoughts for your continued healing.

Tara