Goodbye To Joe And Steve Options

[CritzyJ]

I'm so glad to have found this website and the opportunity to grieve along side others. Two days ago, I said goodbye to my two cats, Steve and Joe. Steve was 15 years old and had been diagnosed with kidney failure in April. Despite all our efforts with food, medication, and sub-Q fluids, his systems continued to shut down and his health was failing. Joe was 20 years old and had been diagnosed in June with a large cancerous mass in his chest that was pushing on his trachea, making it hard for him to breathe. My husband and I decided that we didn't want to drag out their lives to the point of extreme suffering and wanted to let them go when they were still in moderate, but declining health. Even still, the decision was agonizing. I wanted them to tell me when they were ready and though their bodies were telling me, they themselves were not. They still socialized and wanted to eat, so I just wasn't sure how to make the decision. Then on Wednesday, they both told me they were ready. It was clear that the time had come, so I let them go.

I thought the letting go part was going to be the hardest, but now two days later, I realize that the real pain comes in the unfolding of memories and the absence of them which seems to scream it's presence throughout the house. My heart is absolutely broken. Yesterday I ordered some garden stones engraved with their names and four little paw print stones to put in the flower garden where they loved to sleep. When I clicked to confirm the order, it was like being punched in the chest. So final.

As I look through photo albums of the last 20 years, I find pictures of them sprinkled throughout the memories of our marriage and it occurred to me that that sprinkling was like they really were in our lives. Cats are kind of elusive and do their own thing and their presence is sprinkled throughout each day, each week, each passing year. In their older years, they were more home bodies and hung out with us and the dogs. Last night I cried so hard I could barely breathe and while I know the pain will eventually lessen, it's hard to believe it ever could. A part of me almost doesn't want it to lesson as that signifies a greater depth of letting go and I never want to let go.

So, I'm rambling and I'm going to stop now, but it feels good just to say it. Thank you for listening.

Jennifer

[CritzyJ]

So, I've been praying that I would see Joe and Steve in my dreams. Nothing for four weeks until last night. I woke up yesterday with a cold, and decided to sleep in the guest room so my husband wouldn't be bothered by my coughing. The boys used to sleep on that bed for their mid-day nap.

Anyway, there they were in my dream. Both of them laying side by side. I was so excited in my dream. The most surprising thing, though, was that my cat, Jake, was there, too. He died 13 years ago when Steve was 2 and Joe was 7. Jake was standing on the bed with his paws on the windowsill, looking out. He turned and looked over his shoulder and just locked eyes with me for a few minutes while Joe and Steve laid there with their backs to the window. Then Jake looked out the window again as if to say, "Come on, guys, it's time to go."

It's such a nice thought, the three of them together again somewhere. Joe and Steve wanting to take a nap in their old house and Jake leading the way to their new home.